As we open on this 7th episode of "True Blood’s" Season 3, Sookie is still in the Slave Pens, where she was trying to free Bill, only to be waylaid by a chompy Lorena. Sookie uses her power to talk victims into a stupor to good effect; she distracts Lorena, who was just in the middle of trying to snap Sookie in half. Vampire Bill leaps up with a sudden bout of vampy strength and overpowers Lorena, allowing Sookie to stake Bill’s maker.
Poor Lorena. She had such a good stylist, too.
[Full recap of Sunday's (Aug. 1) night's "True Blood" after the break...]
Debbie, high on V and dressed for a Samantha Fox concert, busts into the Slave Pens with a gun and penchant for scrappin’. Sookie once again uses her superlungs to buy time. Tara tackles Debbie, and -- oh, howdy, hot Alcide! Take it off -- I mean, protect the ladies! Anyway, Alcide gets Debbie’s gun. Then Cooter comes in, and Alcide shoots him dead.
Poor Cooter. Nobody liked him -- especially HIS stylist.
Tara wants to leave shifty Bill behind. But Sookie is determined to rescue him. She loads Bill into Hot Alcide’s truck just as a bunch of werewolves give chase.
Meantime, it’s daylight, which means it’s dogfightin’ time in the Next County Over. Sam tries to get the Dog Fighting Place to save Tommy from a life of four-footed ripplin’ and snarlin;, but a shotgun-toting hayseed cuts Sam off. Sam, dauntless, shape-shifts into a pit bull and breaches the perimeter.
Jason Stackhouse is lounging half-naked around his place just as Hoyt, also half naked, emerges from the shower, in a scene that left this recapper confused for several long seconds. Turns out the roomies are just talking about, um, ladies. Stackhouse moons over that blond woodsy girl with the perfect cube for a head. Hoyt suggests that Jason go to the jail, where one of Cube Head’s meth friends is cooling his heels; maybe Jason can find out some more about the woodsy girl -- at the very least, why her jowls are so pointy.
Turns out the jailbird meth head is Cube Head Girl’s cousin. The meth head might talk, but only if he gets some, you know, meth.
Hoyt’s new love interest Summer arrives and declares that she likes Hoyt real fine. Jason likes her biscuits -- that’s not a metaphor for anything, she really brings biscuits -- but Hoyt apparently can’t get over Jessica.
Over in the Vampire Queen’s Playgirl Mansion, the Vampire Queen is sitting in a big cage that must have been, you know, sitting around, waiting for the queen to get captured. Eric Northman threatens Hadley, Sookie’s cousin and the Queen’s human, with total drainage unless Sophie Ann spills Sookie’s secret. Bleeding Hadley whispers it into sexy Eric’s sexy ear.
Speak to us, Vampire Bill! Speak to us! In the back of Hot Alcide’s truck, Sookie runs a saw through her skin so Bill can feed from her and live. Except then Bill gets a little too chompy; I guess he doesn’t know it’s rude to overeat on a dinner date. Anyway, during a pit stop, Tara opens the back of the truck to check on Bill and Sookie, and discovers that Sookie has been overchomped; she kicks Bill out of the truck in broad daylight. He should fry up, but it appears that Sookie’s blood has saved him from a crispy death.
Over at the Dog Fighting Place, Shape-Shiftin’ Sam switches into human form, dons some Good Ol’ Boy coveralls, frees the fighting dogs and breaks up the ring. One dog doesn’t want to go, until Sam goes all Cesar Milan on his ass. Tommy is also saved, to the major disappointment of Joe Lee, who is given the what-for by Sam. Tommy bails on his moocher parents and leaves the Dog Fighting Place with Sam.
Poor Sookie, meanwhile, is in bad shape. Tara takes her to a hospital, where she and Hot Alcide learn that Sookie “doesn’t have a blood type,” which is not good given that she needs a transplant. Tara calls Jason with the bad news -- Sookie’s in a coma -- and he runs to to the hospital.
Unlike Sookie, Jason has a blood type; the clot, er, plot, thickens.
More clues about Sookie’s Magical Past: She has never really been sick, and probably has never been to a hospital. She was even born at home. Jason then grabs Sookie’s hand and whispers that he fuckin’ needs her, so she better wake up.
Sookie doesn’t fuckin’ wake up, but she does have a dream while in her coma. She has a glass in her hand, and when she opens a door, she finds topless hippies with flowers in their hair leaping and capering around a pool. A beautiful woman with a fancy accent walks up to Sookie, says her name is Claudine and bids her to join in the Stevie Nicks video. A lady emerges from the pool from nowhere, and Claudine says the pool is much deeper than it looks. It is very profound.
Claudine wants to bring Sookie to her home, through the pool, but Sookie hesitates, thinking that her mom drowned and that she herself cannot swim. Claudine’s brain tells Sookie’s brain that isn’t true.
Anyway, then Bill shows up in the hospital room promising to bring Sookie back from the Stevie Nicks video. With his blood, of course.
As he’s doing that, Sookie’s Claudine vision warns that vampires like Bill are bad news and may steal Sookie’s “light.” Sookie seems to recover, but she opens her eyes and screams -- again -- this time at the sight of Bill.
The Magister is still torturing Pam. He politely asks if it’s OK to pierce Pam’s eyelids with some sterling silver earrings. She says yes; they are from Tiffany’s after all. Hot Eric shows up just in time with the Vampire Queen of Louisiana. Eric tells the Magister the truth about the V dealing scheme, just as Russell Edgington also emerges.
The Magister tries to arrest the Queen for her V dealin’s, but the King uses his elegant Southern accent to declare a coup. We learn that there is some other, higher vamp authority out there that the Magister works for. The Magister calls it the One True Vampire Authority. I vote for Emily Blunt to play her, whoever she is, doesn’t matter, get me Emily Blunt.
Russell ties up the Magister and threatens to off him if he doesn’t swear fealty to Mississippi Manor. The Magister finally caves and declares Edgington and the Queen Sophie Ann husband and wife.
Things seem to be A-OK. The Queen asks to leave. They all prepare to leave. They are all SO ABOUT TO LEAVE -- and then Russell changes his mind. He cuts the Magister’s head off. Like Lorena’s, it splashes onto the floor in a heap of goo.
What'd y'all think of "Hitting the Ground"?
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