It's gettin' close to the finale of this season of "True Blood," and we all know what that means! Someone. Will. Die.
If Vampire Bill has his way, that someone will be Maryann, she of the succulent blood pies. But he needs advice. So Vampire Bill has traveled to see the Vampire Queen of the, um, area. She is quite literally long in the tooth. When Bill arrives, she's kinda busy chewing on another lady. But the Vampire Queen, she is a just and fair queen, and she eventually makes some time to see her subject. Bill fills in the Queen on the maenad situation, while the Queen reads an old Vogue magazine. The Queen explains that Maryann and her good times cannot be killed. But here's a sort of reveal: Maryann was likely once a human.
[More shocking revelations from Sunday (Aug. 30) night's "True Blood" after the break...]
The Queen insists that Bill stay the night, but not like that, because the Queen likes the human ladies.
Tara is frantic. She wants to save Eggs from Maryann, but Mrs. Thornton, Lafayette and Sookie won't let her leave. Lafayette even pulls a gun and puts his cousin in a pair of his kinky handcuffs. Lafayette and his gun go out on the porch to make sure Maryann don't come knockin. Sookie goes with him. Her cell phone buzzes, and she learns that Bill isn't coming back to rescue everybody until tomorrow. Don't die, Vampire Bill!
Over at Merlotte's, Jason and Bellefleur are learning all about Sam's animalistic powers. They think it's neat, but Jason is more interested in shooting up some supernatural evil. Sam doesn't want to play, saying he can't put bullets in his own friends and neighbors. A pair of faces appear in a restaurant window, and Sam goes out to investigate. It's two young chilluns, and they're scared and hungry and neglected due to the orgies. Sam decides to care for the children instead of helping Jason with his shoot-em-up.
Jessica has been busy trying to bite on Hoyt's mean ol' Mama what called her bad names. Mama is fine, but Hoyt is furious, and Jessica cries the blood tears of the young damned.
Meanwhile, Tara is pulling out every argument in the book trying to persuade her mom to let her out of those fuzzy cuffs. Mom just starts praying harder. Outside the house, Sookie is describing what it's like to be inside another person's head. It's really awesome. Sookie suspects that Lafayette is having erotic dreams about Eric Northman. Why? Because Sookie has them too, is why.
Tara's mama comes out, convinces Lafayette to give her his gun and then turns it on this pair of porch perchers. She has decided to help her daughter escape the house. Lafayette has a vision in which Tara's mom is replaced by Eric Northman in a dress. It makes Lafayette almost catatonic with fear. Tara runs off to save her man Eggs.
The two neglected little kids have all manner and class of question for Sam, and he comforts them and asks them his own questions. Turns out they're the kids of the Red-Headed Slacker Waitress. The kids demand a vampire hero to save their mother from her “sickness,” and Sam racks his brain trying to think of one. Because Vampire Bill is still unavailable at this time.
Jason and Bellefleur arrive at the sheriff's office, and it's a mess. It's manned by a sole dispatcher with black eyes. Jason distracts the horny lady while Bellefleur infiltrates the building and tries to stock up on ammo, but his former boss leaps into the scene in his underwear. He has black eyes too.
Sookie and Lafayette trick Mrs. Thornton into dropping her gun, and the two young people run off to help Tara. In the car, Sookie instructs Lafayette to be prepared to shoot Maryann in the head.
Tara arrives at Maryann's House o' Good Times. She tries to persuade Eggs to run, but he has black eyes and it's hopeless. Maryann cuts Tara off and confronts her. Big reveal: That time that Tara was out in the woods? With the shyster fake voodoo priestess? That thing actually worked. Sort of. The ritual summoned up Maryann the Maenad. This is all Tara's fault! Slap her, Maryann! Slap her til her eyes go black again! Good maenad.
Maryann orgy o' followers arrive at the house and inform their lady that the God has come! Only it wasn't the god, and Maryann knows that. She makes everybody's head hurt and the orgy people run away. Don't die, orgy people!
Meanwhile, the little kids are bonding with Sam, talking about how no one knows who their daddy is. The three of them go to the vampire bar. The kids wait in the car while Sam bribes his way in.
At the sheriff's office, Jason is attacked by one of Maryann's whacked-out orgyists, but Bellefleur runs in to rescue him. The orgyist shoots Bellefleur, but Bellefleur has a Kevlar vest -- the only one in the place.
At Hoyt's place, Hoyt's mama is cookin up a casserole with candy bars, potato chips and hot sauce. It's for Maryann. Hoyt tries to keep Mama from leaving, but she says hurtful things. Daddy was a secret drinker and, possibly, a closeted friend of Dorothy. And oh: Hoyt's Dad did not die at the hands of a burglar. He committed suicide. Ouch.
Sookie and Lafayette have arrived at Maryann's House o' Good Times. It's totally crazy town. Does Sookie go in? No, because she has to talk about the nature of man first. Red-Headed Slacker Waitress and Terry leap out and confront Lafayette and Sookie. He distracts them with his stash of drugs while Sookie runs up to the house. Don't die, Sookie Stackhouse!
Oh, Sam does know another vampire! It's Eric, the Oontz Oontz Euro Vampire Sheriff! He arrives at Merlotte's with a very 80s-looking Pam. Sam asks Eric for help with the maenad. The kids ask to see Eric's fangs, and he obliges. Eric agrees to help with the maenad situation in some mysterious Euro way and then flies straight up into the sky to amuse the kids. They love it.
Sookie arrives in the kitchen of the House o' Good Times to see that an orgy person has sliced off her own finger to give to the great horny god. Another dude seems to be bathing in the sink, eating organs. And still another dude is lying on the floor freaking out. He wants Sookie to lie down with him, and she does just to calm him down. They argue down there.
Back at the Queen's castle mansion thing, the Queen has lined up a bunch of half-nekkid humans for Vampire Bill to eat, but Vampire Bill will feed only from Sookie. He begs for leave to return to Bon Temps, but the Queen insists he feed on a nice boy first. Over a game of Yahtzee, the Queen finally reveals more about maenads: they are eternally waiting for Dionysus, who will never come. Maenads, we learn, wish that the god would come and have sex with them and then eat them. That's the way maenads want to die. The maenads try to lure the god by sacrificing supernatural critters like shape shifters. And at that moment, when the maenad is, um, submitting herself, is the only time that the creature can die.
Oontz shows up at the Queen's house; Vampire Bill can finally leave. On the way out, Eric and Vampire Bill glare at each other. Eric asks if Sookie has mentioned him. Vampire Bill warns Eric to stay away from Sookie, or Vampire Bill will tell the Queen about Eric's new enterprise in the V drug. Ooh, that spooks Oontz but good.
Lafayette is creeping through the woods commando style when Maryann finds him. She has a poisonous plant and her bald chef with her. Lafayette shoots, but Maryann deflects the bullet, and Carl gets whacked instead. I really hope he's not the only one who dies. Not that I'm mean like that, but you know.
Jason and Bellefleur and their arsenal of justice have arrived at Orgy Central. Jason wonders if Sam could turn into a chicken and eat his own eggs. Bellefleur grouses, and Jason confronts him: Why you hate me, man? Bellefleur responds that Jason has had everything too easy, his whole life. Jason convinces Bellefleur that he actually works real hard, and then turns them back to the matter at hand. They prepare themselves for battle. Don't die, Andy Bellefleur!
At Merlotte's, Sam is sitting on the porch with a gun, waiting for trouble, when Vampire Bill finally arrives to save the day. And it's none too late, because Sookie is still dealing with the freak on the floor. She tags him with a frying pan and heads up to the second floor, where some dude is trying on a dress. In another room, Tara and Eggs and smashing up Gran's stuff. Oh, Gran. Where are you now that there's a giant, weird egg on the bed, shaking and looking bizarre?
Lafayette creeps up behind Sookie. And lo! He has black eyes! Don't die Lafayette! You're my faavvvvooorite!
Anything you're particularly hoping for in the finale? How're you going to spend your "True Blood"-free weekend next weekend?