It’s been a long time since we’ve seen “Vampire Diaries,” but let’s rewind. Isobel is visiting Elena! Isobel is Elena’s vampire mom! Jenna answers the door! Rick is Jenna’s boyfriend and Isobel’s husband! Jenna thinks Isobel is dead! This is all really not good! For someone! Probably Jenna! And Elena, who is always pissed about something or sulking about something, has something new to sulk about. Phew, I’m exhausted and we haven’t even started yet.
Elena slams the door in Isobel’s face, but it’s too late. Too late! Isobel sorta makes it clear that Elena knew she was alive and never communicated that fact to Jenna. Jenna is hurt and angry in that tearfully storming off kind of way. Poor clueless Jenna runs to her room and slams the door, which is silly and adolescent but pretty justified considering she has just found out her ward has neglected to tell her that her boyfriend Rick isn’t the widower he’s been claiming to be. Elena needs to talk to Jenna! But Jenna isn’t interested!
We can assume Elena has a phone or telepathic abilities, because Stephan and Damon know that Isobel has dropped in on her daughter almost as soon as it happens. Before Stefan darts out the door to save the day, Katherine suggests he keep her absence from the tombs to himself, just in case he ever needs her to play Elena again in a school play or vampire killing. That crafty Katherine!
Rick rushes to Jenna and Elena’s house to do some damage control, but surprise surprise, Jenna is not all that fired up to see him. She storms out. John, who is always around like that annoying guy by the keg at a frat party, swans in. He tells Rick that everything’s a little better with Jenna out of the house, but maybe he should have been a little more honest with her. Rick is not thrilled with this useless advice, so he slugs him.
Caroline is desperately stalking Matt, who does not seem the least bit grateful for the whole lifesaving blood transfusion thing. Jeez, dude, just because she’s a vampire and may or may not have had something to do with killing your sister doesn’t mean you have to be rude, you know.
John, being John and very sneaky, invites Isobel into the house while no one is looking. Elena is so mad! But Isobel has information. Information about Klaus. Well, not really, but she says lots of people know about the doppelganger thing, so Elena is toast. Elena is even madder! John tells her to suck it up, as he and Isobel have been killing off all the 1864 massacre vampires who might have told Klaus where to find Elena. Elena doesn’t care! Isobel tells Elena she has a safe house for her. She just wants to help! Elena tells Isobel to get the hell out of her house! Elena is full of righteous indignation!
Bonnie, Damon and Jeremy go to Luka’s place to clean up. Bonnie tells Damon Luka’s dad gave her a message just before he died that she can harness some dead witch power if she just finds where they were massacred. Damon can totally hook her up! He knows just the place!
Isobel and Katherine hang out at Elena’s new safe house. They’re totally buds! Isobel tells Katherine she completely snowed John into believing she wants to help Elena. Ha! Isobel is palsy with one of Klaus’ witches, and she’s made a deal with the witch to deliver the moonstone and the doppelganger so that Klaus will leave Katherine alone. Katherine will have to get the moonstone away from the Salvatore boys, but she has no problem betraying Stefan and Damon. She’s so evil!
Stefan and Damon inform Elena she must be with them every second. Gosh, that’s terrible, being protected by two hot vampires! Elena pouts. Katherine tries to convince Damon to tell her where the moonstone is. He informs her that she should not confuse the fact he hasn’t set her on fire yet as trust. Take that, Katherine!
Caroline goes to the Lockwood luncheon. Everyone’s going to the Lockwood luncheon. Elena is going to the Lockwood luncheon. I bet big things will be happening at the Lockwood luncheon! Which you wouldn’t expect for a luncheon.
Damon takes Bonnie and Jeremy to where the witches were burned. The dead witches are not thrilled, so they burn him. Bonnie and Jeremy can do their witchy thing, but Damon’s so outta there.
Katherine looks for the moonstone. She finds it in the soap dish. You are so stupid, Damon! Soap dish? Really?
Isobel corners Rick. She tells Rick she loved him, but she has to apologize to him? For what? Oh, for the fact she’s handing him over to some bad guys. Isobel is SO evil!
Meanwhile, Bonnie and Jeremy are getting all witchy. Bonnie hears voices. Jeremy is freaked out. But the witches are ready to rock, so Jeremy’s just going to have to shut up and deal.
Elena has to accept something or other at the Lockwood luncheon. See, everyone’s going! Isobel is there, too! She creates a distraction by biting John. In the chaos that follows, Katherine shows up wearing the same dress as Elena. Zoinks! Stefan decides to look for Elena. He finds Katherine and doesn’t know it. Because Isobel has Elena! That sneaky Isobel! Stefan knows it’s not really Elena, though. But Katherine is crafty and drugs him. Who will stop Isobel now?
Bonnie communes with the witches. She screams a lot. Jeremy is even more freaked out. But she does whatever she needs to do and she and Jeremy hug. I’m guessing Jeremy is wondering if there are easier girls to date at his high school.
John seems dead. But Damon shows up and explains, um, he has a ring protecting him from death by a vampire, so he’ll be fine in a few hours. Phew! That doesn’t sound crazy at all! But just then, Matt shows up and tells Caroline’s mom, who is also the sheriff, he wants to see his sister’s file. She was killed by vampires! The sheriff tells him to calm the hell down.
Damon takes John back to his place and gets a call from Stefan. Elena’s gone! So is the moonstone! All hell has broken loose! Eeeek!
Katherine shows up at the safe house, feeling smug and catlike. She calls Isobel from the road, and Isobel kinda hints that she won’t be showing up, as she’s double crossed her. Zoinks! Klaus wanted Katherine, not Elena, and Isobel delivered her. Why Katherine didn’t think this might happen, I’m not sure, as Elena is Isobel’s kid and Katherine is just Katherine, but whatever.
Caroline calls Matt. Again. But he’s at her house! Matt needs to know more, more about Vicki, about Caroline. Matt probably doesn’t, really, but Caroline is so! In! Love! She ignores the signals.
Jeremy asks Bonnie how much power she has now. Um, dumb question. Bonnie makes it rain. And thunder. And starts a little leaf tornado. Bonnie does weather! That is often useful! For something!
Stefan and Damon find the safe house. No one is there! Isobel forces Elena to go to a cemetery with her and visit her own headstone. She says a lot of claptrap about her human part being dead and then there’s a bit about betraying her own flesh and blood and then her cell phone rings. Klaus’ minion tells her to release the doppelganger. Yay! Elena is free. And Isobel kills herself right in front of her. Wow, Isobel, way to make an exit and traumatize your kid for life. But I guess Elena is pretty used to the combustible death thing by now.
Caroline tells Matt she loves him. She loves him so much! And she’s really sorry about Vicki. Say something, Matt! He does. He’s all alone! His sister is dead and all of his friends are liars! This is too much! It’s all too much! Caroline was kind of hoping he’d say he loved her back, but whatever. Caroline just wants to help! Matt asks her to make him forget. Now, dammit!
Elena and Stefan talk about Isobel. And then Damon tells Elena he’s going to have her sign the deed to the Salvatore house so it can be her new safe house. Aw, shucks, those nice, hot, protective vampire brothers!
John wakes up from being dead. Damon glowers at him. Elena asks him why he was so stupid to trust Isobel. And he says lots of stuff about Elena being born and then tells her he’ll do whatever she asks of him. Elena tells him he’s a screw-up but he can stick around. She’s going to try to learn not to hate him. Aww.
Jeremy discovers that Bonnie will die if she uses all her new powers. And it will take all of her new powers to kill an original. Jeremy can’t let her do this! But Bonnie must! It’s not just for Elena, it’s for the world! Or something!
Matt tells Caroline’s mom the whole vampire thing. She’s sad. He’s sad. It is their secret. So, Caroline doesn’t tell them the truth and they don’t tell her that duh, they already know. They must protect each other from the truth! For some reason!
Damon and Stefan realize no one knows about Bonnie’s new powers. She’s their secret weapon! Whee! Maybe they can make her start a hurricane or some light spring showers or something.
Katherine, who has been carted away by some bad guy or other, wakes up. The bad guy is doing a spell on Rick. Rick looks all blessed out but in a creepy way. He saunters over to Katherine. He’s now Klaus. Zoinks! Two actors playing double roles on the same show! The fun never ends!
Do you think Isobel is gone forever? Do you think Katherine is really in danger? And do you think Bonnie should put her skills to good use warming up the East Coast or something?
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