Ian Somerhalder, Michael Trevino and Paul Wesley of 'The Vampire Diaries'
Credit: The CW
Oh boy, it’s werewolf/vampire smackdown time!
But before we can have a smackdown, Caroline needs to let Tyler down easy. She can’t go there with him. She can’t, she can’t! But not because one hickey from him will make her batcrap crazy and subsequently dead. She can’t date Tyler because she still likes Matt. That is a slightly more palatable reason, really. She thinks everything’s duckywith Tyler until he throws her against a car for forgetting to inform him his Uncle Mason is taking a dirt nap. Well, that’s one way to change the topic.
Back at Elena’s house, Uncle John offers her coffee. Elena would prefer Uncle John effed off. Sounds like someone needs their caffeine! Jenna walks in and just doesn’t understand why Uncle John is acting like he owns the place. Um, because he’s Elena’s dad? Uncle John tells Elena to inform Jenna of the ugly truth. Elena would rather eat hair, but she does it. Jenna is not pleased. He may be family, but that doesn’t make Jenna want to run over Uncle Daddy John with a truck any less.
Meanwhile, it’s time for brother bonding and some helpful exposition. Damon thinks Stefan is all kinds of stupid for asking John for help. Stefan points out that Elena is all kinds of stupid for making a deal with Elijah. Touché! Now that it’s been established that everyone’s being pretty stupid, it’s time to explore Damon’s feelings. Stefan accuses Damon of liking Rose. Damon says he knew her for five minutes. But they were five minutes of LIKING, Stefan points out. Damon glowers and says he’s achieving greatness and needs a hero haircut. We can assume Damon is being bitter and sarcastic, although it would be nice to see the hero haircut, as we haven’t had a good hairdo trend since the Jennifer.
Having explored Damon’s feelings, it’s time for Stefan to talk to Caroline. Caroline tells him that Tyler is super mad that Damon killed Mason, and she doesn’t even mention how she totally doesn’t want to date him. But she’d prefer no one kills Tyler. Because he’s nice. For a werewolf. Who can kill her with a hickey. But she doesn’t like him that way, so no threat of that.
Tyler is confused. He trusted Caroline! And she totally doesn’t want to date him! And there’s that whole other matter of his dead Uncle Mason! Jules tells Tyler that vampires suck. Tyler says she’s stupid, because Caroline is super nice. Jules tells him he needs to leave town so she can teach him how to survive. It’s her duty and honor. Being a werewolf is much like being in the military but better, because you get to kill people but there’s no itchy uniform. Although the wolves do wear a good amount of flannel. It's sort of a 90s grunge uniform, really.
Damon needs to check on Elena. He asks her if she’s okay now that Uncle Daddy John is here. She is. Damon, being a chivalrous sort, tells her he wants to kill him, but he won’t out of respect for her. I think if he really pushed, Elena just might give him the go ahead to eat Uncle Daddy John. She is so not a fan right now.
Stefan goes to talk to Tyler. And throw him against a wall. Because he wants vampires and werewolves to get along! And maybe wrestle a little!
Jules goes to Brady’s trailer in the woods. Brady is all hopped up to do some vampire killing, but Jules wants the boy, not vengeance. Brady wants both. Cue hot werewolf makeout session.
Uncle Daddy John bothers Jeremy. Jeremy tries to give him the superpowers ring, but he won’t take it. He’d rather have lunch. Jeremy doesn’t want to have lunch. So, he keeps the ring and his appetite. Poor Uncle Daddy John. He sulks. Will no one have lunch with him?
Dr. Martin bothers Bonnie. Bonnie tells him she knows he and Luka are working for Elijah, so she is not going to stop walking to talk to him. Dr. Martin’s okay with that. He tells her Elijah is trustworthy, because he’s given Bonnie so many reasons to trust his opinion. Dr. Martin clearly thinks Bonnie’s a little dim.
Jules tells Alaric she just can’t believe that Elena is her sister’s husband’s brother’s daughter. And her mother is her boyfriend’s deceased wife. She can’t believe they kept it a secret! I can, because it’s really, really hard to say that, much less remember it. Uncle Daddy John wants to have lunch with Jules and Alaric. Jules doesn’t want anything to do with him. I don’t think this guy is going to get a hot meal unless he eats by himself.
Damon goes to the Grille to give John a big hug. Maybe Damon will eat with him! But no, Damon wants to tell Uncle Daddy John that he’d better dish about Klaus or he’ll be Damon’s next meal. Well, that’s almost a lunch date. But John says he needs to feel trust before he tells secrets. And maybe have lunch.
Meanwhile, Stefan is at Tyler’s house telling him he needs to be nicer to vampires! Like Caroline! And alert your mom to my presence and I will beat your face in! Stefan is not exactly selling his argument for werewolf/vampire bonding.
Caroline bumps into Matt. He accuses her Matt accuses of avoiding him. He wants to talk. She’d really like that. She can! She can!
Except Brady shoots her in the head. This would be a horrible moment, but she’s a vampire. She just gets knocked out and has to pull a slug out of her forehead, so no biggie. Except in the time it takes her to recover, Brady and Jules put her in a dog cage. And Brady shoots her again. Brady is like one of those kids who tortured cats in elementary school, because he is enjoying this way too much.
While Stefan is trying to bully Tyler into being a nicer, kinder werewolf, Jules calls on Carolines phone. She tells Stefan she wants Tyler pronto or she’ll kill Caroline.
Damon hangs out at the bar, looking gloomy and handsome. The news lady Andie Star wants to meet Damon. And buy him a drink. And make goo goo eyes at him. But Damon isn’t interested. He only has eyes for the woman he can’t have. He gives Elena meaningful looks.
Stefan calls Elena. She tells Damon about Tyler and Jules and Caroline and the whole big mess. Damon wishes she’d told him all of this earlier, because he could have solved everyone’s problems by killing Tyler. Elena shakes her head and pouts, because Tyler is a good werewolf. She wants Damon to be the better man. Elena does not seem to grasp that Damon isn’t programmed to be the better man, because if he’s too successful at it there will be no show. Damon resists the urge to roll his eyes at Elena’s goody-goodiness and decides he has to go kick some werewolf ass. He makes Uncle Daddy John babysit his daughter, which makes Elena all kinds of pouty.
Back at the trailer, Brady tortures Caroline by shooting her repeatedly. He is totally ruining her jacket. Jules tell Brady to stop being a jerk. Brady doesn’t care, because he is so enjoying this shooting a vampire thing.
Uncle Daddy John tells Elena she’s grounded. Elena does not accept his authority. She tells him he may be her father, but she’ll never be his daughter. This makes no sense, but she’s really mad so John isn’t going to argue with her about it.
Stefan takes Tyler to Jules. He demands to see Caroline to make a trade, but Jules never learned negotiating tactics so she just stomps her foot and demands Tyler. Damon drops by and decides to break the impasse by telling Jules she’d better produce a blonde vampire on the double of he’s going to kick her ass. This seems like a more efficient way of getting Caroline, but then Jules wolf whistles and a bajillion or maybe eight werewolves come out of the woods. And they have sticks and blowtorches and stuff. Jules prepares for everything!
Damon and Stefan tear up some werewolves. Damon gets a heart! But then Stefan gets walloped by some stick wielding werewolf. Eeek!
Meanwhile, Tyler stands around. And then he remembers, oh yeah, Caroline’s here. Caroline begs Tyler to let her out of her dog cage. Tyler hesitates. Tyler just failed the friend test. Finally, he lets her out and stands around some more. Caroline is ready to dive into the fight, but Jules pulls a gun on her. Jules is always so prepared!
So, Stefan and Caroline are about to die. But this isn’t the end of the season, so no dying allowed. Dr. Martin comes out of nowhere and does some magical dog whistle on the bad, mean wolves. He informs the vampires he’s only doing it for Elijah, so they’d better get lost.
Stefan walks Caroline home. Stefan is worried about her. But she isn’t girlie little Caroline anymore. She can take care of herself. Except when she needs two vampires, a friendly werewolf and a witch doctor to help her get out of a dog cage. But mostly she can take care of herself.
John has decided he trusts Damon, even if they didn’t have lunch. He gives Damon the ash, dagger and little piece of ratty fabric needed to kill an original. Damon and Uncle Daddy John bond over their love for Elena, although they love her in different ways, thank God.
Caroline is picking splinters out of her neck at home when Matt calls. Matt wants to know where she is. They need to talk! Even though he’s not good at that sort of thing! Caroline tells Matt she’s with Bonnie. Unfortunately, Matt is looking right at Bonnie, so he knows Caroline is full of crap. Caroline may be able to take care of herself, but she has a lot to learn about lying. Matt
Tyler visits Caroline. He feels really bad that she ended up in a dog cage and was shot repeatedly by a crazy werewolf. Caroline is not feeling the love. He just stood there! Friends tend to not let their friends shoot you in the head in Caroline’s book. She slams the door in Tyler’s face. Tyler is so confused!
Uncle Daddy John scares the crap out of Elena when he does that horror movie move of appearing as she’s closing the fridge. Being creepy is not useful in selling the loving dad thing, John! Elena glowers at her dad, so he gives her her mom’s charm bracelet. He knows he can never make things right with her, but he’s going to protect her and occasionally give people like her and Damon random but meaningful gifts.
Tyler visits Jules and Brady. Maybe they are his friends! He asks them if this whole werewolf thing sucks as much as it seems to. Brady and Jules tell him werewolfing is totally better than it seems. And Tyler happens to mention to them that Mason found some dumb moonstone. Jules and Brady are psyched!
Stefan visits Caroline. And drops off Elena and Bonnie for a slumber party and a group hug. They’re gonna slumber it! Do people really say that?
Damon gets soapy with news lady Andie. He’s in a bad mood, even though he’s naked in a bathtub with an eager date, because he loves a woman he can never have. Andie is not feeling very loved. Oh, and then he tells Andie he’s bad and kills people. Andie is not having fun in the tub. And then he eats her. Poor Andie. Now Damon’s going to have to change channels for his local news, too.
Uncle Daddy John goes to visit Katherine. He’s going to help her get out of that stinky tomb. Uh-oh.
Next Thursday, there will be a romantic getaway with some ass whupping and vase breaking. Let’s see if Elena and Stefan also lose the security deposit on their room.
Do you think Uncle John is up to no good? Do you think Caroline should forgive Tyler? Do you think Elijah is trustworthy?
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