Ah, we’re still slogging along in the soapy HOH competition. It’s all fun until someone breaks a leg, Big Brother. Of course, the hamsters must sign really comprehensive rights wavers, so any unlucky accident victim would probably be patched up, slung into a humilitard or an elf costume and told to chicken dance for his or her housemates.

 Anyway, our hamsters are still slip sliding along with their little measuring cups. Shelly repeats over and over again that she’s doing it for her daughter Josie. Really, Shelly? You mean the HOH competition or the lying? Sorry, but I can’t imagine your kid is swelling with pride for the last few weeks. Don’t you miss friendly, maternal, playing-both-sides Shelly?  
 
Kalia is trying SO hard to win the HOH competition! Which, apparently, isn’t that hard, as she’s quite a distance behind Jeff, Rachel and Porsche. But it’s not Kalia’s fault! Daniele is an awful cheerleader, and it makes Kalia SO mad. Oh, that’s it!
 
Jeff is distracted by the cuteness of Jordan’s humilitard. When a guy can look at you in a pink tutu, Crocs and a green unitard, that’s love. Go on guys, use Jordan’s big win money and get hitched!
 
Despite Jordan’s distracting cuteness, Jeff wins HOH. Kalia, Daniele and Porsche are quietly devastated. I can’t blame them. This is bad news for them. Of course, Rachel thinks they should at least pretend to be happy for Jeff. This is why people think you’re fake and annoying, Rachel.
 
Shelly decides she sucks at competitions, so she’s going to have to be a really good person. And then she calls Rachel a bitch and declares that she dislikes everything that comes out of her mouth. Isn’t she, by being in an alliance with Jeff and Jordan, also in an alliance with Rachel? Maybe Shelly needs to take a time out.
 
Daniele and Kalia talk about how sad they are, but Daniele feels secretly relieved knowing she made a deal with Jeff and Jordan. Of course, Daniele isn’t stupid, either. She knows Jeff could betray her. I’m not sure he won’t, either.
 
Jeff acknowledges that everyone should act fake and come see his room, which I love. Finally, someone acknowledges the pain of seeing someone else’s HOH room! Shelly’s so glad to be back in the penthouse with her alliance. Hopefully this will calm down Shelly a bit. We can only hope.
 
Jordan’s happy Jeff won HOH, because she gets to eat his cereal. She loves Lucky Charms. I do hope she gets a free supply for the innocent product plug. Jeff is the first guy to win HOH this season, which is pretty remarkable as we’ve had some strong guys in the game (most of whom are gone, of course).
 
Rachel hangs out in the HOH room and glares at everyone else until they leave, as she wants to talk to Jeff. This makes Shelly irate for some reason, and she decides she’s going to go up to the HOH room and “light into her.” I have to say, Shelly has come unglued in a most unattractive way. She tells Rachel to stop rolling her eyes at her. Jeff assures Shelly and Rachel they’re both in his alliance, which is his way of saying, “Crazypants One and Crazypants Two, cool your damn jets.” Rachel, amazingly, bites her tongue, which has the miraculous effect of helping Shelly realize she’s the only person in the room who looks truly unglued at that moment. She calls for a clean slate. Jeff tells them both they have to play together and be nice, and he’s impressed that Rachel actually bit her tongue for once. He’s proud of her for the first time during the game. I’m shocked, honestly. Maybe Rachel’s just in such deep mourning following Brendon’s exit she’s too depressed to fight, or maybe (shocker!) she’s trying to play a smart game instead of a crazy one.
 
Later, Jeff offers to make Shelly some food, and this is when we learn Shelly eats like an elementary school student and doesn’t know what her local grocery store carries beyond the aisle with the Smuckers and the Jif in it. She only eats peanut butter and jelly. She doesn’t know coconut water is (well, that’s not so weird, really), but she can’t identify a pear, because it’s brown. That’s a Bosc pear, Shelly. I worry for Shelly and the rest of her little family, as I’m afraid they’re going to develop scurvy.
 
This week the Have Nots will be eating hard boiled eggs and jalapenos. There’s no Have Not competition, so Jeff gets to pick three candidates. He doesn’t hesitate and quickly chooses Daniele, Porsche and Kalia. He claims this is simply because Daniele and Porsche haven’t been have nots and Kalia will want to hang out with them. Still, I love that Jeff doesn’t hem and haw and pretend this is a painful, heartbreaking decision. It may not be painful, but it’s not a popular decision, either. Kalia cannot eat jalapenos! She wanted coconut and catfish!
 
Daniele flops on a bed, exhausted by the very thought of slop. She doesn’t get food on her birthday, but that isn’t the real problem. Daniele gets tired and irritable on slop and she doesn’t perform as well. This week, that’s a real problem, as Daniele needs to be playing her A game.  
 
The sucking up to Jeff begins in earnest. Kalia asks Jeff if she’s going on the block, and he admits there’s a very good chance (read: DUH) that that will happen. Kalia tries to suggest he put her up against Rachel, suggesting that the redhaired nutjob l has been quick to throw Jeff under the bus. Not only is Jeff not buying this, he’s annoyed that Kalia isn’t taking personal responsibility for the move that made her his target in the first place. Yeah, the newbies aren’t so good at the game play, are they?
 
The hamsters are floored when they walk into the house to see the new, smaller kitchen table. It’s a big milestone. There is much high fiving and general merriment. About a table. Do you think if a helicopter dropped a bunch of magazines onto the Big Brother house the hamsters might fight to the death just to have a chance to read something, even if it’s every dumb detail of Kim Kardashian’s wedding? Jeff is happy about the new table, but he’s keeping his eye on the real prize: a table set for two. It just may happen.
 
Daniele makes sure her deal is good with Jeff. They discuss the POV, and she asks him what he would want to happen if she won the competition. He tells her he wants nominations to stay the same, so she says she’ll just throw the POV competition. Daniele throwing a competition? One bite of slop and the girl falls to pieces! Of course, I fully believe Daniele might just be saying that.
 
Jeff talks to Jordan. He has a big decision to make. Admittedly, if he screwed over Daniele and backdoored her, that would be kind of underhanded. Still, I think Daniele might be able to see a good game move for what it is, even if it gets her kicked out.
 
Porsche tries to talk game with Jeff for the first time in 49 days. It doesn’t go so well, as Jeff is not completely stupid.
 
It’s time for the nomination ceremony!
 
First person safe is… Rachel.
Second person safe is… Shelly.
Third person safe is… Adam.
Fourth person safe is… Jordan. About time!
Fifth person safe is… Daniele.
 
Kalia and Porsche are on the block. Jeff tells Porsche she needs to show she’s there to play. Jeff tells Kalia he told her she’d be on the block a few weeks ago and he’s just made good on her promise.
 
Porsche is pissed off! She wants to kick Jeff off next week. Oh, Porsche. I guess there’s a small possibility she could finally win something, but I don’t really see it happening. Kalia’s method of being on the block is laying low. Isn’t that how she mostly approaches the game, with the exception of that one HOH week that left her hysterical, in tears and finally inspired her to betray her own instincts and make the worst game move of the season? Yeah, she should lay low. Playing hard doesn’t seem to work out so well for her.  
 
Jeff isn’t worried about either Porsche or Kalia, as he suspects their first move will be to take a nap. Sadly, I don’t think he’s wrong.
 
Do you think Jeff will succeed in backdooring Daniele? Do you think Shelly and Rachel have really made a clean slate? And can someone send Shelly’s family some fruit and vegetables?