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Recap: The first couple is put on the block on 'Big Brother'

As HOH, Rachel is determined to be smart -- this time

By Liane Bonin Starr Monday, Jul 11, 2011 1:04 AM

The cast of season 13 of "Big Brother"

The cast of season 13 of "Big Brother"

Credit: CBS

Well, it was about time “Big Brother” threw a really good twist into the game that wasn’t squid-flavored slop, but I’m not sure I’m completely thrilled to have “BB” alumni returning to the house. Okay, correct that. I’m not sure about having Rachel return to the house. I admire my colleague Dan’s ability to illuminate her nails-on-a-chalkboard voice with uPpeR aND loWeR cAse, but I’m just too busy throwing my remote control at the television and covering my ears to follow suit. Needless to say, I could have lived happily without ever hearing that braying, crazy horse laugh again, and the claw marks from dragging my nails down my face every time she was on screen last year have almost healed. But it’s nice to see Jordan and Jeff back, I guess.

 
Anyway, everyone is SO excited about the golden key! Or, at least the new hamsters are, because they’re all apparently a bunch of lily-livered floaters. They slid off the bananas in last week’s challenge like Vaseline on a warm eel, and I don’t sense a lot of really smart game play in action here. Evel Dick says he’s going to eat these newbies for lunch, and I don’t think he’s wrong.
 
Porsche, who apparently thinks with her breast implants, tells Keith she wants to team up with the all-stars. Keith thinks she’s an idiot. Well, Keith, that’s what you get when you partner up with the girl in the house you’d most like to bang. She may be thinking with her implants, but what you’re thinking with isn’t too smart, either.
 
Time to unveil the HOH room. Rachel is SO EXCITED about her HOH room. Evel Dick could give a crap. But he doesn’t say crap. You’d think having people feign enthusiasm while secretly wishing she’d choke to death on her coveted snack collection last year would inspire her to put a damper on it, but no. Rachel is at FULL ANNOYING VOLUME! AND SHE’S LAUGHING! A LOT! Everything is funny to this woman. I wonder if that laugh can actually cause insanity. I may be able to test that hypothesis on myself after a few more weeks.
 
Brachel talk Botox. He thinks she’s beautiful. She wants to go all Heidi Montag frozen-face. I still don’t understand why these two are together. I keep wanting someone to put together an intervention for Brendon. You can do better, Brendon! Lots of girls have implants! And some of them don’t LAUGH LIKE RABID HOWLER MONKEYS!
 
Dominic has a plan. He convinces one half of each newbie pair to create a secret alliance. And, because every secret alliance must be named, he dubs himself, Cassi, Keith and Lawon the Regulators. This would be more impressive if this super secret voting block was more than four people. Does Dominic know there are ten other people on the show? I know his mommy mashes his peas for him, but I would have hoped she taught him how to count somewhere along the line.
 
Evel Dick gets to work. Porsche, believing her glamorous secret VIP waitress skills have gifted her with negotiating super powers, talks with Dick. He promises to protect her and take her to the end. Porsche’s head bobbles up and down. You can practically see her thinking, man, I am SO SMART!
 
Rachel leaps into the house dressed as a psychedelic cow sponge. It’s time for the have/have not competition. “What is this, space milk mountain?” asks Dewan. Oh, no. Actually, it’s space milk soft core porn movie mountain. This is like Twister, but with grinding and milk. I’m sure this is someone’s sexual fetish, but I can’t imagine who’s. I hope I don’t know them. I’m guessing the crew member who came up with this is a very, very troubled person. In short, the hamsters are divided into three teams of three milky cow spongey people and one milkman. Then, each milky cow spongey person must jump into a lake of milk, run to the milkman, and have him squish them until they’re, um, dryish. This is actually gross. Funny, but gross.  
 
Kalia wants to win because she deserves it. Daniele doesn’t want to get down to 97 pounds again, which happened last time she was on slop. I’m putting my money on Daniele. She’s motivated, whereas Kalia’s just a bratty pain in the ass.
 
While Jeff takes a kind of rolling, plank position squish approach, Keith is sorta humpy. He literally looks like he’s trying to penetrate three people in squishy cow outfits. Someday you’ll be able to look back on this and laugh, Keith, but I’m not sure when that day will come.
 
The Blue team of Dick, Daniele, Jordan and Jeff wins it! So, that rolling thing seemed to work. Humping takes the Green team to second place. The Orange team of Cassi, Kalia, Lawon and Shelly, who seemed to rely on strangling and hopping around, will be eating slop.
 
They’ll also be sleeping in a padded room. Which has ugly fluorescent lights on all day and all night. But Kalia can deal with anything. It’s the mark of a princess or a queen or something. And she is a princess or a queen or something. Kalia, shut up.
 
Evel Dick gets back to work. Even though he literally looks like someone I’d expect to see in “Sons of Anarchy” or hitchhiking on the highway to hell, he is a wonder to watch.  Evel Dick decides to work his magic on Adam. He offers to take care of him, and it’s an offer he can’t refuse. I love that Evel Dick is borrowing every mafia movie cliché he can without an ounce of irony. But Adam says he’s coming after Evel Dick. Good luck with that.
 
Shelly wants Jeff and Jordan to be happy in love the way she’s happy in love with her husband. Aw, shucks. They’re still going to vote your ass out, Shelly.
 
Rachel is pondering her options as HOH. She thinks Adam is a fan she can manipulate, and she’s scared to give Porsche a three week golden key. Evel Dick assures Rachel and Jordan that Porsche is on their side. But Rachel still doesn’t know what to do! Hmm, last time you were on the show, Rachel, you antagonized people and cackled until you had a target on your back only slightly larger than the Cape Canaveral launch pad. That seemed to work for you. Kidding.
 
But Rachel isn’t going to make emotional decisions. It’s game play! She just figured this out? I hope Brendon is prepared to support Rachel and her future Botox habit, because I don’t see a really great career path ahead of her if waitressing and topless dancing doesn’t work out.
 
Nomination ceremony! I know, it’s become part of the tradition of the show, but that weird key disk just has to go. Every time the HOH drags it out it looks like they’re hefting a vacuum cleaner into the middle of the kitchen.
 
The first duo safe is Daniele and Dick.
The second duo safe is Jordan and Jeff.
The third duo safe is Lawon and Kalie.
The fourth duo safe is Shelly and Cassi.
The last duo safe is… Adam and Dominic.
 
Porsche is shocked to be put up first. Shocked! Oh, Porsche. Just remember, the glamour of VIP waitressing waits for you. Keith hopes the Regulators have his back. Oh, Keith. Jesus is waiting for you, though I suspect He’s going to want to chat with you about that milk humping thing. Rachel wants Keith to go home, and I suspect Rachel will get what Rachel wants.

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Finally, we hear from mastermind wannabe Dominic, who says the Regulators are here to stay and Porsche is going home. I like Dominic, and he’s cute as a button. But seriously, I’m pretty disappointed in the new kids. So far they've proved themselves to be either floaters, terrible players or simply annoying. I never thought I'd say welcome back, Brachel, but... wait, I'm still not saying that.

What do you think of Rachel's decision? Do you think Porsche is going home? And do you think the Regulators have a shot?

 

Liane-bonin-starr-sm
Liane Bonin Starr
Sr. Editor
Liane Bonin Starr is an author, screenwriter and former writer for EW.com. Her byline has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, Variety and a lot of other places. Her last book was called "a scandalously catty, guilty pleasure" by Jane magazine. Expect the same from Starr Raving.
Related Searches: Evel Dick, Julie Chen

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  • Jeff_avatar_2_talkback_profile

    Mulderism

    I can't believe what a spineless milksop Brendan is. I'd forgotten how lame he was. Rachel is the brains behind that operation. Brendan has got to be one of the worst players ever. Much as Rachel makes my ears bleed, she is much more of a player than he is. He's just floating on her breasts!

    The Regulators are no Brigade. I don't see them running the show.

    July 11, 2011 at 1:27AM EST Reply to Comment

    • The Regulators are a pretty sad excuse for the Brigade, that's for sure.

      July 11, 2011 at 1:32AM EST

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