I’m not even sure I can sit through this episode, because we’re going to be subjected to another two hour dose of BENTLEY. Let’s say it all together: Bentley is EVIL. Evil, evil, evil. Evil. And why is Bentley evil, ask those of you who missed last week’s first episode of this installment of “The Bachelorette”? Because he thinks Ashley, cute little Ashley, is not his type. More than that, he doesn’t particularly want to touch, kiss, date or marry Ashley. He’s on the show because he likes to be competitive. That’s it. He just wants to beat out some guys who are there for the right reasons (if there really is a right reason to go on national television to find your significant other, but that’s a conversation for another day) because HE CAN. Apparently, he thinks it will be fun to stomp on Ashley like a bug.
That being said, I’m a little ticked at Ashley, too. She has every reason in the world to kick Bentley to the curb, as she was actually warned by a family friend that the guy is only going on the show to promote his construction business. First off – how exactly is it good for business to act like an unscrupulous scumbag on national television? Do people really say, hey, I done saw that man on TV and he acted like an amoral psychopath! I want him to slap an addition on tha back of ma house! But let’s get back to Ashley. Ashley may have applied the brakes for, oh, about one second, but then she decided Bentley was super cute and just threw caution to the wind. That’s using your head, Ashley! Yes, she talked herself out of a relationship on “The Bachelor” last season, so I understand her need to dive right in. But maybe she could apply that same enthusiasm to J.P., the smoking hot construction manager, or, well, anyone who isn’t Bentley! Aaargh!
[Full recap of Monday's "The Bachelorette" after the break...]
Well, let’s get to it. We can only hope Bentley gets crushed by the propeller of a small private jet as it whisks him off to a date with Ashley. Hey, karma can be instantaneous, I’m just saying.
First up, it’s time for little notes from Ashley to arrive at the mansion and send the boys into a tizzy of testosterone-fueled jealousy. For her first solo date, she chooses William the cell phone salesman to jet off with her to Las Vegas.
William is having a great time sampling wedding cakes with Ashley. He’s a little surprised that their next activity is trying on rings. But then he’s really freaked out when they end up at a wedding chapel and Ashley appears in a tight white dress, wiggling and mugging adorably all the way down the aisle, like a slightly insane cartoon bunny rabbit. For most guys, this would be tantamount to watching “Fatal Attraction” on an endless loop while eating pickle ice cream. But William thinks it’s fun. I think William might be in shock, or they’ve been slipping Xanax into the soda at the bachelor mansion.
So, the minister asks William if he’s willing to take the leap, and he actually says “I do.” Ashley, of course, applies the brakes and is just thrilled that William has passed her little test, or I should say the producer’s sadistic little test, because I’m fairly sure no sane woman would come up with this on her own. But hey, she loves the results. She’s falling for him already!
In Vegas, every tourist watches ABC, so Ashley is like Celine Dion but shorter and without the old geezer husband. She’s a star! Whee!
Of course, it being the first solo date, Ashley and William are in for some Vegas-style romance. They eat dinner in the middle of the lake in front of the Bellagio, which is pretty cool, I have to admit. It’s so romantic that Ashley isn’t immediately turned off when William admits he wants to be a stand-up comedian, but maybe Ashley doesn’t know any stand-up comedians so she has no reason to hold it against him. Still, William wants her to know he’s a serious guy. He lost his dad to alcohol six years ago, after he was beaten and left by the side of the road. He shows her the broken watch we saw in his intro, which froze on the exact moment his father died. Ashley feels William’s pain, because her dad’s an alcoholic. That’s it, unless William REALLY screws up (and I’m not entirely convinced that won’t happen, as he seemed a little too dedicated to his sad sack status in the first episode), these two are getting hitched.
Creepy masked Jeff can’t wait for his first date with Ashley so he can take off his damn mask. But then he finds out in one of Ashley’s cheery little notes that everyones’ going to Vegas – except for him and four other guys: Ryan, Mickey, Ben C. and J.P. J.P. assumes that means he’s not getting a date, but I wouldn’t bet on it. You know how twisty “The Bachelorette” can be!
Ashley sees everything in William. To her, he’s the full, slightly dysfunctional package she’s been looking for. They kiss and the fountain goes off. William is at his charming best. Don’t screw it up, William!
Meanwhile, the twelve lucky guys that get to go to Vegas are immediately led to the Jabbawockeez theater at the Monte Carlo, where they see the dance crew perform. Ashley even joins the show for a fraction of a second. All the guys are so impressed – until they learn that they will be divided into two crews, and whichever group wins gets to perform with the Jabbawockeez – and the other team goes home without Ashley face time. The pressure is on!
West wants to name his crew No Rhythm Nation. I think he’s joking, but everyone likes it and voila, they’re No Rhythm Nation. The other team, because they’re doing a wedding-themed routine, is The Best Men. Based on the names alone, you’d think The Best Men would take it for positive thinking alone, but No Rhythm Nation wins. Huh! And friggin’ Bentley is on the winning team. Noooooo!
Ashley feels like the luckiest girl in the world after performing with the Jabbawockeez. Oh, Ashley, enjoy these moments while you can, because Bentley is going to crap all over your fairy tale “Bachelorette” experience.
So, it’s time for Ashley’s exciting group date with the winners, which would be more exciting if she made time for each one of them but it doesn’t seem to be the case. Hot lawyer West pulls her aside to tell her about his dead wife. He feels she responded well, but I get the feeling Ashley’s thinking, hmm, following in those footsteps is not so appealing, especially if she’s read “Jane Eyre” or “Rebecca.” Not that she has, but it tends to be a rough road for novel heroines, at least.
Oh goody, another little interview with Bentley in which he has only crappy things to say about Ashley. Bentley thinks she has a great body and he loves competition. But she’s not his type. God, I hate him.
Okay, I am starting to wonder if Ashley is being pushed by the producers to keep Bentley. He isn’t this good of an actor, is he?
Apparently he is, because there is just one rose to be handed out at the end of the group date and BENTLEY gets the damn thing. Aaarrgh! You’ve got to be KIDDING!
Meanwhile, back at the mansion chef Mickey and construction manager J.P. get a coin to flip to see who goes to Vegas to see Ashley for a one-on-one date. Mickey wins the coin flip and J.P. eats his liver.
Unfortunately, the producers thought it would be cute for the whole date to stick to a coin flip theme, so everything the couple does has to be flipped for. Who’s getting the wine at Aureole? Will it be red or white? We get it, it’s Vegas, but way to kill a moment. But Ashley thinks Mickey is pretty damn cute, which he is, so it’s still a magical evening. Plus, they drink their wine in front of the manta rays at the Shark Reef, so that’s not bad. It’s not exploding sexual fountains at the Bellagio, but hey, William lucked out.
Over dinner in a hotel suite, Ashley asks Mickey to tell her everything about himself. Mickey’s mom died, but it made him a better person. See, Ashley, some of the guys on this show are nice! And have strength of character! And aren’t scumbags like BENTLEY! Aagh!
They share a romantic walk on the “beach,” which is just a pile of sand out by the pool, and it’s very simple and romantic until Colbie Caillat has to start warbling with her band. Leave it to “The Bachelorette” not to let any small, nuanced moment go without something exploding. But Mickey gets a rose, so it’s all good.
It’s the final meet-and-greet before the rose ceremony, and J.P. grabs Ashley almost the moment she walks through the door, which is pretty much what you have to do if you want some face time with this girl. He flips a coin for a kiss, and they lock lips. Ashley likee.
Meanwhile, William is strutting around the mansion doing bad impressions and nudging everyone else about how they had better play hard because he had such a stellar date with Ashley. West wants to smack William and I do, too. He seemed like a nice guy about twenty minutes ago, and now he seems a) not funny at all and b) like kind of a putz. This is hugely disappointing.
Next, personal trainer Nick teaches her how to dance. Then William cuts in because he has to remind Ashley they had the best! First! Date! Ever! The rest of the guys, some of whom haven’t gotten time with Ashley, now want to kill William with their bare hands. I’m not saying William’s in the wrong here, mind you. You have to be aggressive in this game. But I wish William would be a little less cocky about it.
Creepy mask Jeff watches from above. Eeek. But he finally swoops in and grabs some private time with Ashley. He had a brain hemorrhage. He got divorced. And now he’s never been happier. That’s what he needed to tell her so he can take off the damn mask! He’s soooo looking forward to getting it off, because it’s clearly hot and uncomfortable. But Matt interrupts and the mask stays put. Don’t send him home, Ash, we need to see Jeff’s face!
Blake the dentist will be super mad if the Mask gets a rose and he doesn’t. I get that, I do. I’m not convinced Jeff isn’t just plain weird. But I have to admit, he’s made himself memorable. I suspect the producers will keep him around even if Ashley gets skeeved out, at least for a little while.
New Orleans lawyer Ben C. finally corners Ashley. He wanted to dance! I like Ben C. He seems like fun, at least for a lawyer.
And another fun interview with scumbag Bentley. Bentley says he’d rather swim in pee than try to plan a wedding with Ashley. GO HOME, BENTLEY! Bentley has to kiss her, since he apparently has super kissing powers. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Bentley picks up Ashely in his arms and takes her to the fireplace to paw her and make out. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Oh, and it gets better. He thinks she’s a crap kisser. He couldn’t be any more reprehensible without killing orphans or stealing money from senior citizens.
But Ashley says she has a good insincerity radar, so she’s SURE Bentley’s good people. No you don’t, Ashley! Run! Run!
Time for the rose ceremony. Obviously Scumbag Bentley, Mickey and William have roses, so the rest line up to sweat it out.
West gets a rose.
Constantine gets a rose.
Ryan P. gets a rose. Yay!
Ben C. gets a rose.
Nick gets a rose.
Ames, the Harry Connick Jr. lookalike, gets a rose.
Lucas gets a rose.
Jeff gets a rose. Mask guy returns.
J.P. gets a rose. Yay!
Chris gets a rose.
Ben F. gets a rose.
The final rose goes to… Blake.
Kicked to the curb are Matt, the guy who had Ashley talk to his mom on the first night. He promptly calls his mom to leave a message. He wants her to cook him French toast and pick him up at the airport. Hmm, maybe he really is a little more of a mama’s boy than is entirely appealing. Stephen the hairstylist got the boot, but he seems okay with it. I mean, he’s a hairstylist, I’m sure he’s not hurting for ladies. Construction estimator Ryan M. is not as blasé about it, and he seems genuinely disappointed. Gee, if only there was a spot for him not being taken up by some bag of crap called Bentley!
It seems that next week Bentley outs himself to Ashley because he’s too repulsed by her to continue his charade. Part of me is dreading it, but I’m hoping this is the end of Bentley because he can’t be gone soon enough.
Why do you think Bentley is doing this? Would you hire him for a job? Did you see Jeff vacuum through the credits?