See, I would have been doing at least a few of those things (I mean, I’m curious, not a freaky stalker type), except I was screaming at my computer.
Apparently said computer is not only sentient but very empathetic, because today, clearly overwrought thinking of the two talented dancers about to be eliminated and hoping to pay homage in some small way to their suffering, it decided to crap out on me. Which would not be so terrible, if not for the fact said computer has my Slingbox software on it. So, long story short, by the time I kicked said computer a few times and told it to snap out of it, getting all Cher in “Moonstruck” on its ass, and it had reluctantly booted up after giving me a slightly dirty look from the eye of its webcam, I had missed the first 7 minutes of the show.
So, I’ll be watching those 7 minutes when everyone else in L.A. is watching them, and blogging about them shortly afterward. Right... here. It’ll either be a blow-by-blow account of Katie performing “Sumer Stock,” or a slightly disappointed account of the group dance number.
Annnnnnd... it’s the stupid stinking group dance number! Okay, it wasn’t that bad, but it lacked the possible train wreck potential/creepy Scientology vibe of a Katie Holmes hoedown. But you can’t absolutely hate a dance routine that’s equal parts Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” zombie dance and rabid gorilla stomping around. Set to Stevie Wonder’s “Higher Ground” (although Red Hot Chili Peppers’ version would have been so much better), it was fun to see the cast done up in Maori face paint, the only drawback being you couldn’t recognize a damn one of them.
But really, even without Katie’s Judy Garland tribute (excuse me, when did she become a middle-aged gay man?), these 7 minutes were so worth watching. Why? Because we were treated to Lil ’C’s dictionary of dance! Seeing a loving montage of his fantabulous, super crazy lingo strung together in one endless thread of semi-articulate blather was something close to a religious experience for me. But I wanted to throw something at Cat and her Diane Keaton pantsuit when she got down on the ground and bowed to the guy. What the hell was that about? This is clearly a little bit of laughing at as well as with the guy, so let’s not lay it on so thick, woman.
But anyway, what my computer did let me see (while making high-pitched electronic sounds of grief) was the eliminations. So let’s hop to it.
Ade and Melissa
Mary loved them, America loved them, I loved them, big hugs all around, ballerina power, whoo hoo!
Caitlin and Jason
Status: In danger
I have to reluctantly agree with Mary on this count – she wasn’t surprised, but she was disappointed. Me, too. I still don’t think we’ve really seen all that Caitlin and Jason can do, so I’m hoping they stick around. But yeah, their dancing last night was pretty eh.
Phillip and Jeanine
Now, this kinda ticks me off. Yes, Jeanine brought it, but Phillip looked like he was trying to pass an unusually large kidney stone all through their routine. I realize the guy already has a big fan following, but I have yet to be convinced that he’s more than a pop-and-lock hip hop dancer. His performance was so stinky, in fact, I think it’s fair to say these two deserved to be dancing for their lives.
Janette and Brandon
Okay, come on, there was no freaking way these two would be in the bottom three unless someone hacked the phone lines. Watching them tear it up with The World’s Fastest Disco Dance, they not only established themselves as the ones to beat, they made otherwise sane people (like myself) want to wear polyester. That’s damn good.
Jonathan and Karla
Oh, yeah, the Boring Twins will be back again. I could say more, but I’m yawning and don’t want to fall asleep on my keyboard.
Ashley and Kupono
Status: In danger
Okay, I knew this was a possibility. But my crash test dummies in danger, heck, it makes me want to drive my car into a brick wall (couldn’t resist, and it is sort of true). Granted, their dance was pretty blah last night, but I have to say, as with Stinky Face Phillip, the fault lay entirely with the male half of this team. The only bright spot in this bad news is that Lil ’C was chosen to deliver his verdict, which sounded like just another play from the judges’ handbook about shock and surprise until he busted out his made-up words dictionary and started talking about the “comfortability” of Kupono’s dance genre. I can’t decide if I love Lil ’C for making the English language his bitch, or if I want to smack him with a copy of Miriam-Webster, but he’s fun so who cares.
Evan and Randi
Watching their dance again, I have to say, they did seem to be having fun, or, as Evan pointed out, 14 times the fun. Anyway, we got to see that Evan’s brother Ryan made it through the L.A. auditions for season 6 of the show, and best of all, he was sitting in the audience looking all Hollywood cool with a little black cap and glasses. It was a warm and fuzzy moment that ensured Evan’s fan status is going to carry him and Randi through at least the next several weeks even if they decide to limit their routines to the Hammer Dance, the Roger Rabbit and the Mashed Potato from here on out.
Asuka and Vitolio
It was sweet to see Vitolio practically explode with excitement once he and Asuka got the good news. It wasn’t as sweet to see Asuka yanking down her underwear as Vitolio twirled her buttward toward the camera. But hey, good for them.
Kayla and Max
Status: In danger
This was a shocker. Kayla practically has this competition wrapped up, if you listen to the judges. And maybe that’s the problem – they love Kayla so much, no one thinks they have to vote for her. I wonder if Kayla, who seems sweet but possibly a little vacant, doesn’t have the personality to bring in the votes. And Max’s Ed Grimley hairdo isn’t doing him any favors, either.
The truly odd thing is that the judges just glossed over the bad news for Kayla and Max, and Nigel decided that was a good moment to tell Cat she looked especially nice that evening. Way to make the dancers feel special, Nigel!
After all that excitement, there was a special guest from the world of dance whose name sounded like something I should order take-out. But it was a nice routine that maybe didn’t translate so well to television (someone standing in one spot and jangling their ankle bracelets is probably very impressive live, but a little boring in prime time). But, good fun.
Then, the bottom six DANCED FOR THEIR LIVES. I always think this is such a melodramatic thing to say unless they actually start killing people on the show, in which case ratings would go WAY up but I’m sure the FCC fines and civil suits would just ruin all the fun.
Her dance was very beautiful and her lines were clean, but I worried the judges might give her a slap on the wrist for being old-fashioned as they had early in the competition.
He wisely showed off his athleticism and good form, and should get extra points for making wise use of his time.
I love this girl. She looked all 1920s Hollywood glam, her song was cool, but the dance... well, I still think she’s cool. Go, little crash test dummy, go!
Ah, my favorite OCD sufferer. This dance was definitely original, but it bordered on the arm-flapping chicken-dance wacky, and not really in a good way.
No way she’s going home. She could have sat on the stage picking her nose and the judges would give her a pass. Enough said.
Not sure if “Footloose” was a great choice for the ballroom dancer, as he looked less like he was cutting loose and more like he was having a seizure.
After the solo dances, we got to see Kristinia DeBarge lip synch to her “hit single” “Goodbye,” which sucked about as much as everything else the rest of her extended family pumped out in the ’80s as DeBarge.
Well, after that waste of time, the judges came back to announce that neither of tonight’s eliminations were unanimous, which was apparently meant to make everyone feel better. Somehow I really doubt any of the dancers go home saying, “You know, I got kicked off the show, but it’s cool because it wasn’t unanimous,” but hey, whatever makes the judges feel better.
Nigel called Kayla’s solo crowded, gave Caitlin props for her quality of movement, then smacked Ashley on the head for her lack of substance.
And then (sniff), the first crash test dummy was tossed into traffic. Truthfully, I did feel awful for Ashley. She auditioned four damn times for the show, and she’s gone by the second week? And honestly, the only reason she ended up on the bottom was because Kupono completely messed up their routine. Damn him! Bad crash test dummy, bad! Bad!
But no time for tears – it’s on to the men. Jason got props for his “exceptionally strong” solo, Kupono was told that, despite a routine that had “very little substance” he’s still a different and intelligent dancer (who happens to get a little crazy chicken dance-y), and Max gets the kiss of death. The second Nigel tells Max he’s a “hard worker,” I knew he was gone.
It was the Ed Grimley hair.
Do you think it’s entirely unfair that Ashley got the boot when Kupono screwed up their hip hop routine? Did you like Max’s hair? And how do you think Kayla and Kupono will be as our newest dance team?