So hey, July 23rd, Katie Holmes hoofing it up to Judy Garland! And tomorrow night, Kelly Clarkson! Whoo hoo! But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s rewind.

Alright, I know this little dance contest is all about building the tension and the drama. I know they whipped out the Wagner because Cailtin and Jason danced to it the week before. But it’s a little crazy melodramatic to start off the show prattling on about the many lives lost, the epic battle to achieve and how it’s all come down to this, the final... 14. Um, that’s still a lot of people. Note to Fox: don’t blow your wad this early. When it’s down to, say, 8, what are you going to do? You’re actually going to have to shoot someone at the beginning of the show, because that’s about the only thing that’s going to impress us after you wear us down with the Most Important Show Ever crap. Just saying.

[Full recap of Wednesday (July 1) night's "So You Think You Can Dance" after the break...]

And I know I bring this up every week, but really, can someone dress Cat properly? Here is this gorgeous glamazon hostess wearing a modified prom dress that gaps weirdly and smooshes her boobs as flat as an anorexic 14-year-old’s. What, is there a rule she can only wear the slightly irregular stuff from Marshall’s deeply discounted rack?

I was excited to see Mia Michaels on the judges’ panel tonight, especially sitting next to Mary Murphy, as I was thinking this time the two could suddenly come to blows and I’d put my death match money on Mia in a heartbeat and maybe make some quick cash. All she’d have to do is yank on Mary’s weave and it would all be over.

But anyway, on to the dancing.

 

Janette and Brandon

Choreographer: Jean-Marc and France Généreux, cha-cha

Verdict: On fire

Oh, Brandon. You’re such a good dancer. But could you please shut your damn trap? The minute he burbled, “She looked beautiful, I looked beautiful... we sparkled in the light,” I wanted to reach for my air sick bag. I know you’re good, the judges know you’re good, but if you start believing your own press, voters are not going to pick up the phone for you, bub.

But I forgave Brandon his ego trip once I saw his hot-cha-cha with Janette. How can you not love these little live wires? Nigel broke out into an uncharacteristic crazy sweat and said he thought it was the best damn cha-cha he’d ever seen on this show. Mary said the footwork look exciting and added that her pet Brandon was brilliant and she gave them two first class tickets on the hot tamale train (I wonder if there’s coach and business on there, too). Mia, backpedalling frantically, said she was tough on Brandon because he has so much ability (riiiight), and then Brandon started crying, and it was a touching Hallmark moment. Mia did remember to tell Janette she was brilliant, which was nice, since everyone was so focused on stoking Brandon’s ego she kind of got lost in the shuffle.

 

Kayla and Kupono

Choreographer: Sonya Tayeh, contemporary

Verdict: First class tamale train riders

I still have a soft spot for my one remaining crash test dummy, but I was a little ticked when he said his hip hop routine with Ashley went south because “he couldn’t find a connection” with his partner. Um, what? As I recall, Kupono, you just sucked ass in the hip hop category, so don’t be trying to pass the buck to someone who isn’t around to defend herself.

Although I am sick to death of all things “Twilight,” the dance itself was still pretty beautiful (and slow enough that you could appreciate the choreography). And, of course, as with anything involving Kayla, it was awesome. I kind of wish she’s screw up one week just to make things interesting.

Nigel said Kupono was a new man and said the two have reached their potential on the show. Mary said they were alive and kicking, that they had chemistry and they get to stay on the hot tamale train, although she didn’t make a big deal about it, maybe because she realizes the hot tamale train tends to ride people right off the show. Mia thought they were a stunning couple and loved the make-up and the choreography. She said Kayla has ridiculous lines (in a good way) and gave Kupono props for getting better every week. And I have to say, he is getting better. As long as he stops slamming Ashley for his problems, I’ll totally root for him.

 

Randi and Evan

Choreographer: Joey Dowling, Broadway

Verdict: Well, I liked them

They’re so cute, on stage and off. They just seem so grateful to be on the show, and neither one of them says something stupid about how beautiful they look (hint, hint Brandon). I have to say, I thought this was just the coolest routine, all Bob Fosse jazz hands and super 60s sexy. It was nice to see Randi and Evan do something that wasn’t jokey, Pepe LePew butt dancing. No offense, Mia Michaels.

I was a fan, but the judges weren’t. Nigel thought Evan was a little disappointing, but still thought they were in his top ten list. Mary thought they did fairly well, gave them props for getting the characters and she really enjoyed it (but no hot tamale train for them). Mia felt they needed to take it to the next level because of their height but they didn’t, then concluded that Randi was a little heavy for her and Evan was disappointing.

 

Caitlin and Jason

Choreographer: Brian Friedman, jazz

Verdict: Eaten by aliens

God, I was hoping they could bring it. But she’s an alien who has to procreate with the last human? Really? That sounds... friggin’ awful. Really friggin’ awful. What the hell is wrong with you, Brian? You have one of the prettier girls in the contest this week and you make her look like a damn latex lizard. They were in the bottom three two weeks in a row and you couldn’t throw ‘em a bone? I mean, seriously, they’re so screwed.

The judges tried to find something nice to say, like loving parents at a nightmare school play. Nigel said it was very weird, but praised them for committed themselves 100 percent and noted that Caitlin looked like a dancing condom. Mary didn’t think it played to their strengths and it didn’t sit right with her. Mia said the only thing she didn’t like was the tin foil but thought it was fun.

 

Phillip and Jeanine

Choreographers: Napoleon and Tabitha Dumo, hip hop

Verdict: Who cares? Phillip should GO

Oh, yay, Phillip, who can’t dance anything but hip hop, gets a pass this week.  How exactly has he pulled his one area of expertise out of the hat twice in four weeks? Have producers determined he’s such a fan favorite he must stick around? Ironically, I thought Jeanine was the better dancer this time, but she’s the better dancer every time, isn’t she?  Nothing against Phillip, but when you watch Randi and Evan or Brandon and Janette, you see exactly how little he’s bringing to the table. But he’ll stick around like a bad rash or “According to Jim,” impossible to explain but tenacious nonetheless.

Nigel thought they should be chained together for life and gave Jeanine props for looking like a hip hop natural. Mary thought it was incredibly creative and thought Phillip brought it and Jeanine was crazy good. Mia said the concept was there but got caught up in the chainography and had more criticism for the sloppy chain than either Jeanine or Phillip, so go figure. They’re not bottom three. Again.

 

Melissa and Ade

Choreographer: Thordal Christensen, pas-de-deux

Verdict: Ballet sweet

Hey, Ade left his pick at home! Yay, Ade! Oh, wait, it’s back. Never mind.

I was pretty excited about this one, since Melissa busted out the pointe shoes and actually did some real ballet, which had the unfortunate side effect of making Ade look like a big, clumsy galoot running around barefoot, but so be it. Melissa is definitely one of the strongest dancers in this competition and I have to say, anyone who can even hobble around in pointe shoes wins my everlasting admiration, since I dropped out of ballet classes right when they started to talk about pointe, as I liked my feet non-crippled and my toes mostly straight instead of curled like rotting bananas. That’s not a slam on ballet dancers, but come on, dancing in pointe shoes is one step away from Chinese foot binding. You see a ballerina and you’re looking at someone who REALLY loves dance.

As expected, Nigel said it was beautifully danced. Mary just loved it and felt the chemistry was flawless. Mia said she was so excited classical dance was on the show and especially that it was danced as well as it was, then called it gorgeois, and I have no idea what that means, but I think it’s good. 

Next, we learned about the Dizzy Feet Foundation, which sounds really wonderful, except for possibly the worst name ever. And then we finally, finally got confirmation from Nigel that on July 23, Katie Holmes is doing her dance tribute to Judy Garland (who else is thinking the whole thing was pre-taped weeks ago?) and our bud Toasty Oreo choreographed the whole thing, which just makes me smile.

Then, our last, unlucky couple.

 

Karla and Vitolio

Choreographer: Jean-Marc and France Généreux, quick step

Verdict: Nice, but screwed

It looks like Karla and Vitolio are having fun, which probably isn’t a good thing, as couples who cross their fingers and swoon at the camera are usually the ones who kick ass with the judges. But hey, I’d like to see if Jonathan was the weak link holding Karla down, so this should be interesting.

Nigel loved the way Karla’s polka-dot dress transformed into a ball gown, which was really cool, and would have liked to see more bounce in the Charleston step but thought they were finally getting their personalities out there. Mary thought they brought the whole thing to life and gave them a congratulatory whoop. Mia thought Jean-Marc was a genius and said that Vitolio and Karla stepped up, then added that Vitolio made out with the kiss of death. Or joy. Or something. She also said Karla looked scared. So, yeah, they’re back in the bottom three again.

 

Do you think it’s time for Phillip to go home, or are you a little dense? Do you think Caitlin and Jonathan got screwed with the weird alien routine? Most importantly, are you looking forward to seeing Katie Holmes hoof it up?