It’s the 100th episode of “SYTYCD,” so Katie Holmes is going to hoof it up (in a pre-recorded segment – yawn) and it’s all going to be very celebratory and exciting, right up until someone gets kicked to the curb and their little dream of dancing supremacy gets squished like a bug, at which point it will be very depressing. Yay, Thursday.
For the opening number the group dances to “One” from “A Chorus Line” in white tuxes and top-hats, which should have been exciting but really wasn’t all that.
Mia says the best thing about being with the show is watching the babies come back to the nest and seeing what they’ve learned, which is surprising, because I thought she’d say the best thing was biting their cheeks and smashing their chests or whatever weird, violent thing she’s into this week. Mary says being 100 isn’t so bad, thanks to the Botox, and says the show means the world to her, which is pretty obvious since TV stars make plenty more money than professional ballroom dancers and usually have fewer injuries. Nigel says the show has united a country, then mentions that Olivia Newton-John called about last night’s cancer dance, which got me feeling all weepy, so thank God Nigel held it together because otherwise it would have been all over in a hearbeat.
Then, we get to see a bunch of highlights, which became kind of a meaningless blur, although it was nice to see Nigel and Mary both hoofing it up for a quarter of a second. We also got to see the judges’ haircuts through the ages, and I think Nigel should bust out the flat iron again.
Then, we had to watch the greatest hits of last night, which is sort of irritating if you actually saw last night’s episode, but whatever, they’ve got an hour to fill, so it’s probably that or McDonald’s McCafe (lame, lamé) commercials. Although I didn’t mind seeing the cancer dance again.
Then, it’s time to get down to business, which implies we’re going to start busting chops before Katie Holmes does her (pre-recorded) thing.
After the cancer dance, no way was girlfriend going home. Go, iron ballerina, go!
Status: In danger
I guess everyone forgot she has sweaty palms. The judges loved her a little too much last night, and the voters collectively shrugged. Remember what happened to Rubben Studdard on “AI”, people!
Status: In danger
What? What? I am NOT believing this.
No way was she as good as Janette last night. I mean, she’s good, don’t get me wrong, but come on!
Then it’s time for the Emmy-winning Hummingbird and the Flower, which is beautiful and everything, but I’m still a little shocked that Janette is in the bottom two and can’t quite focus. But love the hair.
Now, on to the boys.
Yes, riding the cancer dance train and that’s just fine, really, because that performance was so amazing he could ride it right into the finals and I’d be fine with that.
Status: In danger
Last night was probably his best night, and he did get all Gene Kelly, but he was dancing with Kayla, and she’s the beautiful blonde black widow of this show, so there you go.
Okay, I’m just going to say it. I love Evan. He’s adorable. He’s great at what he does. But is he the best, most versatile male dancer here? No, he’s not. And he’s getting by on personality. Sorry, Evan, but I just can’t see you in the finals – or if you do get there, it really isn’t fair. And you know it hurts me to say that.
Status: In danger
Wow, hard to believe, but Brandon’s in the bottom.
Then, it’s the bench routine from Mia Michaels. Which is perfectly nice, but this is just dragging this all out interminably, really.
She dances for her life, even though she can dance her ass off and it won’t save her, and it just reminds you how graceful she is.
This dance is much better than some of his other life-saving boogies, but that isn’t saying much.
I really, really can’t understand why Janette is in the bottom. Fine, I’m stuck on that, but I can’t help it.
He shows us all the reasons why he should make it another week in this dance (he’s athletic, he’s got attitude, he can do pretty much anything), but hey, big whoop, this is a popularity contest.
And then, it’s Ramalama, a little choreography by Wade Robson, which is rocking the Les Mis/zombie look. This is quite fun, and I have to wonder why Michael Jackson didn’t try this out for “Thriller,”, because he would have liked all the buttons and flouncy shirts, and it’s so much better than those stupid zipper jackets.
Okay, is it time for Katie Holmes? Wow, this didn’t take forever or anything. Oh, great, we have to hear about the Dizzy Feet Foundation, and there’s a little Q&A with Cat, and boy oh boy is this unspeakably boring. Unless Katie actually sets herself on fire in the dance routine, I’m just not going to be impressed. You can’t build something up for a month and expect us to still be excited about it when it finally happens, people.
And now, finally, it’s Katie time.
Katie gets out of a car and walks around in a little 1940s-inspired outfit, and then she sings, and her voice isn’t bad, although I’m wondering how much time they spent sweetening it in the studio, because they certainly had the time to do it. Then, we see a bunch of guys dancing crazy-like, which is usually a way to distract us from a lesser talent.
Katie gets kind of Liza Minnelli and walks around clutching her hat and doing some very, very easy dance steps. Wow, so glad I waited for this crap. Then those crazy dancing guys pick her up and throw her around, which proves she has a rich future as a sack of potatoes or something.
And then, it’s over. Are you kidding me? That was a dance routine? That was a singing routine, maybe, that involved walking around and touching a hat. Puh-lease.
Nigel thanks Katie for working so hard on her routine, which is not the same as saying it was any good. Then he points out Judy Garland’s son is in the audience, which is only interesting to see that he bears no resemblance to his mom.
Then, it’s time to eliminate one of the girls. And it’s... JANETTE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Okay, I am more than a little mad. Janette is the best dancer female dancer in the competition. And maybe Mia Michaels shouldn’t have pointed that out, because it seems to keep people away from the phones in droves. This is so unfair!
Nigel says that Janette was his favorite and he really wanted her to win, and that her exit has ruined his 100th celebration, and I can’t really blame him. Janette, of course, is very gracious and grateful and I’d almost wish she was more of a baby about it because then it wouldn’t be so awful to see her hit the road.
Then, the boys. It’s time for Jason to leave, which is less of a crushing disappointment than Janette’s exit. Now, if Brandon had been given the boot, I’d be really pissed, but let’s face it, Jason was good but was he top six? Maybe not. He’s also very heartfelt in his goodbye, and I am sorry to see him go, but hey, it’s a dance competition, not a love-in. Then, a bunch of confetti falls from the ceiling and someone rolls out a cake, and it’s all over except for the spontaneous dancing.
Okay, that was an occasionally great, occasionally boring, often arduous and ultimately really, really disappointing show (Janette, we won’t forget you!).
What did you think of Katie Holmes’ non-dance routine? Did you think Janette should go? Do you think Even deserves to stay?