Dum, dum, dum dum-DEE-dum, dum-DEE-dum. I think that’s the Darth Vader theme, or maybe it’s a Lady Gaga song or one of those infernal KFC commercials, but in any case, my point is that it’s elimination day, poor widdle Cat’s least favorite day of the week, wah. And I’m not exactly looking forward to it either, because I’ve been hugely disappointed with the judges’ taste when it comes to picking off the dingbats and I have a lot less faith in the average couch jockey.

Does Cat look like a windblown hooker tonight, or is that just me? Is she wearing a massive Ace bandage? I have to say, she was looking pretty darn normal for a while, and this Madonna circa 1993 outfit is just obliterating that. I know she styles herself, but I’m saying, Fox, come on, get her a professional.

But enough about Cat. It’s time for the group dance! Whee!

[Full recap of Wednesday (Dec. 2) night's "So You Think You Can Dance," with results, after the break...]

Oh, no. No wheel. Crap, they’re dancing to Billy Joel. Wearing black Spandex. This is very high school musical, and I don’t mean High School Musical, I mean a bunch of kids who aren’t too coordinated running around and dancing. Too much is going on and none of it’s coordinated. Oh, wait, they just did a quick little group shimmy. Toasty Oreo put this together? Oh, Toasty, not your best work. I am officially embarrassed for him on so many levels.

Next, we get a Reader’s Digest version of everyone’s dance routines. This, my friends, is what we call filler. We could also have Cat go all Ernie Kovacs and stand in front of a camera twisting around a kaleidoscope and I think that would be infinitely better, because seriously, is anyone who didn’t watch last night really tuning in tonight?

I think the show just dropped a massive hint at the nine minute mark by showing a clip of Legacy followed by one of Ashleigh as Cat morosely intones that “one guy and one girl will be going home tonight.”

So, the girls are the first on the block, and all of them are still dressed like fetish queens from New Jersey, which I guess was the unfortunate point of the opening number, but really, how unpleasant to be sent home looking like you whip naked middle-aged men for a living.

Ellenore is…safe. Which is entirely expected. When Nigel says one of your dances was the best of the season, you’re fine.

Mollee is… safe. DAMMIT! Stupid America! While last night was a vast improvement for Blondie, I still don’t think she holds a candle to the rest of this group.

Noelle is… in danger. This is kind of heartbreaking, but I do think Noelle’s somewhat blank personality during the interstitials has come back to haunt her. She seems… nice. And an excellent candidate for Miss America. But I think voters needed more to go on to pick up the phone, unfortunately.

Ashleigh is…safe. I’m glad to see this if only because she’s the one dancer on the show who has developed by leaps and bounds each week. By the end she should be cutting through walls with her newly-discovered X-ray vision and breaking the sound barrier.

Kathryn is… on the bubble. This is really a shame, because Kathryn got stuck with Fish Lips Nathan and, despite outshining him at every turn, got slapped on the wrist for not seeming connected to her partner. Argh!

Next, time for the boys.

Ryan is… in danger. Wah! I’m guessing that people aren’t voting for Ryan because he has a little of that conservative ballroom geek stink on him, but that’s a shame, because he’s just so damn good. And I kind of want to see the married couple together for as long as possible. Although it would be ironic if the one who actually got on the show lasts longer than the one who was pulled in as a last minute replacement.

Russell is… safe. After that “It’s only because of dance and my parents that I avoided becoming a crack-smoking gangbanger who shoots small children” interstitial, well, duh, it was practically your American duty to vote for the guy. But who cares, because he’s becoming one of my favorite little trains that could on this show.

Jakob is… in safe. And if he hadn’t been safe, I think Adam Shankman would have said screw this and quit on the spot, so it’s really better that America did his bidding.

Nathan is… in danger. Good! Fish Lips gotta GO!

Legacy is…safe. I like Legacy. Like Russell, he’s really stepped up to the plate and delivered. But I am a little surprised to see him safe given that the judges had a pretty major hate on his hip hop with Ashleigh.

The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers does their thing to a classical music version of a Coldplay song. And they are pretty extraordinary. Lots of tossing themselves into the air, which makes me think that anyone doing the next martial arts movie could find a lot of extras here.

Oh, hey, did everyone see that AT&T commercial with Luke Wilson? Does anyone know what happened to his neck? I think it disappeared into the hole with all those unused cell phone minutes. And, um, his career.

Noelle dances her little heart out for absolutely no reason, because nothing is going to change the results. Poor thing. Adam lavishes her with praise and says she had a breakthrough show the night before.

Ryan bangs it out to that stupid Scorpion song again. I honestly think that might have been part of the reason he’s on the bubble. Scorpions? Really, Ryan? Mary says that, even though his solos have sucked, he’s more than made up for it with his couples dancing.

Kathryn dances, yet again a little too frantically. But hey, she has reason to feel frantic, because she could be going home. I’d be frantic, too, and possibly pissed off and tempted to yank Mollee’s hair out by the roots. Mary tells Kathryn she’s shocked she’s in the bottom, because she’s great. And she’s sad. And then she gets weepy. Girl, it’s not like they’re executing these kids, simmer down! You can still call Kathryn anytime you want to.

Nathan dances in his shorts. Lots of pulling and tugging. Nigel tells Nathan he shouldn’t take it personally if he gets voted off. Nathan says he wants to get kicked in the butt some more. Nathan has learned judge approval is more important than he realized.

Snoop Dogg performs wearing some unfortunate hand jewelry and a big ass chain. Dancers dance around but eventually give up and just wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care, because caring would totally diminish their hard won street cred or, um, something. Hey, he just made a Michael Vick reference! And he’s done. It’s a little hard to tell, because it’s not really a song so much as a repetitive chant or really more like a rap to a dial tone or something, but the kids will like it, I’m sure. Oh, he’s definitely done because he made a tough scowly face at the camera. Okay, that’s over now.

Uh-oh, time to lower the boom or drop the blade or whatever gruesome execution metaphor you prefer. Adam is beside himself.

Time to auf a girl. Why is it always ladies first? Sometimes, that’s not so polite.

Noelle is… going home. Poor Noelle. That’s gotta suck when you deliver two amazing performances and America goes, eh, not so much. Noelle is smiling her ass off and does not seem overly sad, which at least something. Oh, no, I take that back, she’s choking back tears. She’s going to miss Mollee most. Funny, I can’t start missing her soon enough.

On to the boys.

Nathan is… going home! Wow, that is kind of a shocker, especially after the crying about how much he loved his parents. I think it was the Fish Lips. Oh, and the crappy dancing. Can’t forget that. Actually, now that he’s on his way home, I can say he was a skilled dancer with lots of potential. But potential is not the same as delivering the goods, and Nathan was just out of his depth.

 

Do you think Nathan deserved to go home? Why do you think Noelle got the boot despite killer performances? Who do you think are the better decision makes – America or the judges?