Ah yes, my dysfunctional relationship with “SYTYCD” continues. I know in my heart that Mollee and Nathan aren’t going home tonight, that two dancers who don’t suck anywhere near as much will, but still I watch. All FOX needs to do to cap this off is take me out to dinner, stick me with the bill and hotwire my car before abandoning me in a rough part of town with twenty-five cents in pennies and some valuable electronics. I’m warning you, FOX, I just may break it off and you will miss me when I’m gone! And don’t think I won’t get a restraining order, you jerk!

[Full recap of Wednesday (Nov. 25) night's "So You Think You Can Dance," complete with results, after the break...]

But on with the show. We kick things off with... something dancey. I mean, everyone’s wearing neon and Flavor Flav clock necklaces and midriff tutus and I just can’t focus on the dancing. It looks like Mardi Gras threw up and it’s giving me a tension headache. Oh, look, Legacy spun on his head. Must be a hip hop routine. Please, I’d gladly watch an Immodium commercial instead of this.

 
When the puketastic routine is over, Cat asks Nigel to explain how the competition will be changing next week, and he starts talking about the joy of Thanksgiving and serving overseas and why we need to find love because there’s an awful lot of love in the world. So, do executive producers usually get a big ol’ block of high grade medical marijuana or is Nigel a lucky exception? Mary and Adam prattle on about how great everyone is, and then admit to playing a toking game whenever Mollee and Nathan mangle a step and that pretty much explains why they’re still in the competition. Yes, I made that up, but I’m grasping at straws now that logic has left the building. And yes, yes I’m bitter.
 
So, who’s on the block?
 
Victor and Karen are... on the block. No big surprise here after that God awful hip hop routine. But still, I think Karen’s getting the short end of the stick here, as she’s the stronger dancer. After all, she does seem to spend a lotta time on that hot tamale train, which sounds like a ticket to the Land of Indigestion to me, but is, apparently, a good thing.
 
Ashleigh and Jakob are... safe. Come on, how couldn’t they be? Because I swear these guys are our final two. And if they aren’t, Adam is still going to find Jakob, stuff him in a carryon bag and do unmentionable things to him that involve excessive drooling, so he might as well make some money first.  
 
When we return from commercial, it’s Mollee and Nathan. And a horrible flashback to their Epcot Center can-can. They’ve gotta be dancing for their lives, right? America, don’t let me down!
 
And America doesn’t! Yes, Mollee and Nathan are in the bottom! Is it too much to hope that the fan favorites are out on their asses? Adam says they didn’t connect with viewers but they’ll be able to grow if they get a chance to continue. Which makes sense, given that they dance like high school cheerleaders and not even the good ones from “Bring It On.” Adam also says that they should watch their mouths when they’re interviewed, because they sound like simple-minded narcissistic teenagers whose parents indulge them too much. I’m extrapolating there, but I don’t think I’m wrong.
 
Kathryn and Legacy are, of course, safe. I mean, Legacy cried. About hope and having a dream and the Statue of Liberty and 9/11 or whatever the hell. So yeah, we’re going to overlook the dancing like a Clydesdale thing.
 
Then, it’s Noelle and Russell and Ryan and Ellenore. I can’t think either of these couples deserves to go home this week, as they were pretty damn strong. Except for Noelle and Russell’s beauty pageant samba of sexual embarrassment. But Ellenore and Ryan were strong. If they can sell me on Broadway, well, I’m just plain impressed.
 
And the third couple in danger is... Ellenore and Ryan. Oh, come on! I mean, if Noelle and Russell ended up in the bottom because of the santized samba, okay. But Ellenore and Ryan pumped out two pretty damn solid routines. Nigel says Ryan’s one of the best partners on the show and Ellenore is one of the best girls of the season. Agreed.
 
Then, it’s time for the random professional dancing of the evening, a chick from the American Ballet Theater dancing Don Quixote. It was a little bit like one of those jewelry box ballerinas come to life, which was nice, but once you admired her ability to stand on her toes without screaming in agony, it got a little dull.
 
Then, Karen dances for her life. Actually, let’s just say she dances. This honestly looks like something you’d see at your local bar. Except most of the hoochies at my local bar don’t wear tutus and cowboy boots. She keeps repeating the same moves over and over, and they aren’t great moves. Karen, snap out of it!
 
Victor is next. Boy, when he high kicks he almost knocks his teeth out. There’s lots of kicking and jumping and it looks pretty good to me.
 
Next up, Mollee. Doing gymnastics. I swear to god, this is a floor routine. I half expect her to try to line up in the corner for her backward flips. This is not dancing, judges!
 
Nathan rolls around on the floor and rubs his chest like a “New Moon” castmember. S’alright, but not great.
 
Then, Ellenore. Doing her quirky, jerky thing. She has great lines, but girlfriend, the grimacing and general weirdness, gotta tone that down.
 
Ryan does one half of a ballroom dance. Which isn’t as bad as it sounds. But I do think he’s made for partner dancing.
 
Finally, it’s time for Shakira. Because she hasn’t been on every single prime time show for the last two weeks. You know, I think if you put her next to Beyonce and lowered the lights, you’d be hard pressed to tell the difference. I swear, it’s like a separated at birth thing. Like, Shakira may really be Sasha Fierce. Suddenly that whole split personality weirdness from Beyonce makes perfect sense. Which explains why they have the same wardrobe, too.
 
Shakira has an army of dancers who slow everything down so Shakira can dance along without looking totally uncoordinated. But they can’t do a whole lot to help what is, essentially, a pretty forgettable song stick in your head. Ooops, there it goes, completely gone. I think it had the word “world” in it. That’s all I remember. And we just went to commercial. A friggin’ Visa commercial flushed it right out of my brain pan. No wonder Shakira’s flogging this album like a post-crack Whitney Houston.
 
Aack, we’re back! It’s go time!
 
Nigel tells Mollee to step forward. Nigel LOVED Mollee’s solo. She was fighting to stay in the top ten! With gymnastics! So, Mollee is safe. DAMMIT!
 
Ellenore is up next. Nigel says she’s so good the judges can’t think of anything to tell her to improve. Except to stop acting like such a weirdo.
 
Nigel tells Karen she’s a great performer. Uh-oh, this sounds like the break-up speech. Yup, he thought her solo was waving the white flag. And she’s out. ARGGH!
 
Mollee stays and Karen goes? Seriously? This has to be about selling tickets to the stupid live show. I want to take these judges and slap them. Because they’re pimping out their integrity for friggin’ ticket sales. I mean, I can’t hold them to too high a standard because this is just a cheesy reality show, but I can still be mad about it.
 
Then, on to the guys. This is not a unanimous decision. Nigel tells Victor some clap trap about Kelly Osbourne and passion and whatever the hell and he loved his solo, then tells him to get back in line. He tells Ryan his partner work is tremendous, but his solos suck. He tells Nathan he’s brilliant and always was but hasn’t grown. And if he had his way, he’d be sending his sorry ass home, but he was outvoted and Victor’s out.
 
That’s it. It’s a conspiracy. There’s no other explanation for Mollee and Nathan stumbling into another week of the show other than to get the tween crowd, that’s the only thing that can explain it. Yes, Karen did a pretty bleh solo. I get that. But Mollee’s had all the finesse and nuance of a hoedown. Nathan’s solo was also pretty subpar. Granted, Victor’s hip hop last night was God awful, but if dancing for your life has no impact, why force the dancers to jump through hoops? Nathan’s can-can and hip hop routines weren’t worthy of another week. Sorry, but that’s the truth.
 
Deep breath. The truth is, it really doesn’t matter who goes home this week, as we’re getting a pretty good bead on who the final four are going to be – Ashleigh, Jakob, Ellenore and possibly Ryan. And anyone else, well, they’re just hanging on as long as they can. Mollee and Nathan’s days are numbered. I hope.
 
I’m telling you, FOX, I am so close to breaking up with you it’s not even funny.
 
 
Do you think Karen and Victor deserved to go? Are you surprised Mollee and Nathan are hanging around like a stubborn rash? And are you sick of Shakira yet?