Ugh, elimination night! The first live results show of the "So You Think You Can Dance" season! Which means stupid America makes the first cut! Noooo! Because we all know that voters are tween ninnies who vote for who they'd like to giggle with at a slumber party (Mollee) or have a chaste first kiss with (Nathan). There is no justice in the world. Someone, take away their bedazzled Hello Kitty iPhones, STAT!
 
[Recap of Wednesday (Nov. 11) night's "So You Think You Can Dance," complete with results and spoilers, after the break...]
 
Cat asks the judges how they feel about giving up control of who lives and who dies and they all seem fairly grumpy about it. But really, what can you expect? They know how this works and the truth is, some good dancers will go home too soon and some lame ones will stick around like toe fungus (yes, that would be Phillip from season 5).
 
Luckily, Cat, who is wearing some sort of 1940s housewife costume, cuts to the chase and says it's time to see which couples are in the bottom three.
 
Ellenore and Ryan... are in the bottom three. Adam is not surprised, but he can't wait to see the solos. I can't say I'm surprised, either. That hip-hop dance from last night was utterly and completely painful to watch, even if it was the absolute worst category these two dancers could have drawn. I have sympathy, but only to the point when I start to think, jeez, I could have done a better job, and I am so not a trained dancer.
 
Channing and Victor... are going to have to wait. Because God forbid we miss any opportunity to drag out this process as long as possible. Oh, wait, they're safe. Which I totally agree with. Yes, they were dancing in their category, but they still outdanced plenty of other couples. Like Mollee and Nathan.
 
Legacy and Kathryn are... also safe. Not sure I totally agree with this. Kathryn was a robot and Legacy was a mess. Still, they weren't the worse. Like Mollee and Nathan.
 
Oh boy! A big time waster segment is about to begin! Dominic from season 3 is going to hang out with the audience! And because he has bleached spiked hair and wears a towel around his neck, he's hip and cool and wacky good times! Yay!  He's going to ask audience members to demonstrate random dance moves! Like, developpé! And ponché! And bachacada, which sounds like a Cuban dessert. Anyway, he finds one girl who took ballet lessons, and she nails the first two, but no one gets bachada, so Dominic has to demonstrate what it is. Which is about as exciting as you'd think it would be. But to make sure everyone is having fun, fun, fun, on behalf of K-Mart, everyone gets a scooter! Yay! Between this and the Simpsons contest, I am so sick of product endorsement I could throw up.
 
Ooh, speaking of product endorsements, I saw a Simpsons sign!
 
Oh, wait, we're on an elimination episode, right? With all the cross promotion and silly time wasting, I almost forgot.
 
Anyway, Ashley and Jakob are... safe. I would have been monster pissed if they hadn't been. Best routine of the night. And not just because of the Frankie Goes to Hollywood song and “The Avengers” outfits. Although those helped.
 
Peter and Pauline are... sigh, we have to wait for Noelle and Russell. Oh, Peter and Pauline are in the bottom. Not surprised at all. I mean, come on, that routine was rank. And socially irresponsible, but we won't get into that.
 
Noelle and Russell are safe. S'okay. Their routine was pretty good, I think, though I could be wrong because all I know about Afro-jazz would fit into a thimble with plenty of room left over for a thumb.
 
Mary isn't surprised Peter and Pauline are in the bottom, because they didn't find the magic. That's one word for it. The fact they danced like bears would be my issue with the routine, but if she says it was about magic, so be it.
 
So, two couples down, but none of these dancers are the one dancer I think absolutely needs to go... Mollee. No offense, Mollee, but last night, whoa, you sucked. Like junior high school dance sucked. Not that you're going home, but a girl can dream. Anyway, before we can learn her fate, it's time for a word from our sponsors.
 
Kevin and Karen are... not safe. But Mollee and Nathan sure are.
 
Well, America is STUPID. WTF? Seriously, WTF? And I do not mean “Why the face?” to paraphrase “Modern Family.” Nigel seems pissed, and he says that he thinks America has it wrong, and so do I. He thinks America has protected Nathan and Mollee, and Nathan was an immature boob for saying he felt hot during the dance and Nigel doesn't think he's learning. Because he knows he doesn't need to, because the girls think he's pretty and will keep him in the contest far longer than he deserves to be. Stupid boy! Stupid fans!
 
Time for random dancing from the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater. Which is pretty sexy but turns kind of violent and makes me think it's all probably like a date between Rhianna and Chris Brown, which makes it all very unsexy suddenly.
 
And, a commercial break. Because there just aren't enough commercials on these elimination shows.
 
We come back, and it's time for solos.
 
Ellenore
Even though her name is written in five-foot letters on a wall of TV screens behind her, whoever is doing the captioning for the show is so thick they type in her name as Eleanor. Ellenore, or Eleanor if you prefer, gives us a solo that's just... weird. And twitchy. And not really my thing. Waving at the audience? Massive fail, if you ask me.
 
Ryan
Ryan can do a split in the air and gymnastic tumbles and generally dance his ass off. Ryan should stay, plain and simple.
 
Pauline
This dance isn't wowing me at all. She's just kind of running around and shaking her hips. May be time for Pauline to go home.
 
And, a commercial break. Yay! Can't get enough of those!
 
Peter
Peter is tapping. He's a great tapper. The problem has been when he does anything else. I like Peter. He seems like a nice guy. He's very smiley. But I just think it's his time to go home.
 
Karen
Karen could teach Mollee a thing or two about bringing the sexy. No way is she going home.
 
Kevin
Yes, he busts out his hip-hop, but you can also tell he's capable of plenty more than that. Kevin may be the first hip-hopper who seems like he has the chops to master stuff like ballroom and contemporary, which is more than I can say for Legacy.
 
Nigel tells the group that the judges didn't think any of the solos were good enough to keep anyone on the show, especially compared to season five's solos. And, before anyone can boo, Nigel tells the audience if they disagree with him, they're wrong. Nigel seems pissed. He's probably still pissed that Mollee and Nathan are making it through to the next round.
 
He calls out Karen and says she's smoldering and sexy, and younger voters will be intimidated by her sensuality, and they will be stupid and not vote for her because they think Mollee's super nice. He tells Ellenore trying to be quirky isn't going to take her far and tonight's performance was weak. He tells Pauline she's been getting by on her personality and she's out. The audience is WRECKED about this, because they sort of think Pauline would be plenty fun to hang out with if Mollee was busy or something! Oh no!
 
Pauline, of course, starts crying and Cat talks to her like she's slow and says it's time for pictures, not words, and she's a beautiful, beautiful girl. I give Pauline total props for overcoming that sprained ankle, but let's face it, she's outclassed by most of the competition. Except for, like, Mollee, who sucks more.
 
Guy time! Nigel tells Ryan his roundoff into a back summersault was weak, so he needs to work on his solo. He tells Peter he doesn't have star quality. He tells Kevin he's getting better and better every week, and that's great because he's sticking around and Peter is going home.
 
Peter is Mr. Sweetie Pie and smiles and gives Cat a big hug. And I'll be sad to see Peter go, because he was kind of hot. Even if he did tap, and tap is only slightly more interesting to watch than clogging, and no, I was not a fan of the Riverdance, my friends.
 
So, this week I can't say anyone was robbed, and I'm only so sad to see Peter and Pauline go home, but I do fear in the coming weeks Mollee and Nathan will continue to suck and yet float far above the bottom three, clomping into the finals like mildly spastic monkeys and Nigel will, unfortunately, have a small stroke at some point. But you never know.
 
 
Do you think Peter and Pauline deserved to go? Do you agree with Nigel that Karen will intimidate voters? And who do you think is going home next week?