Jakob Karr of 'So You Think You Can Dance'
Yes, Russell. The competition is over. And yet, we’re going to drag out the agony for two friggin’ hours. Welcome to the agony that is the finale of “SYTYCD”! Somebody prod me awake when it counts, thanks.
[Full recap of Wednesday's (Dec. 16) "So You Think You Can Dance" finale after the break...]
One last group dance. Wait, this is a lot of people. Is this the top twenty? Aw, I’m feeling all nostalgic now. And old, because I don’t remember these people. Of course, they are moving very fast and wearing costumes, so they could be a junior high dance troupe for all I know.
Cat comes out in a particularly unattractive drag queen table cloth and a horribly clashy necklace. I know matchy-matchy is over, but that doesn’t give you license to mix metallics like that, Cat. Literally, she looks like five bucks.
Ooh, judges’ table is crowded! Lil C is there, as is Toasty and Debbie Allen. And then, our usual suspects all dressed up fancy like. Except for Nigel, who can’t be bothered, but he’s the executive producer, so he doesn’t have to try that hart.
Yay, let’s get things started with a rehash of last night’s episode! Although it does remind me that, wow, everyone was really good this season, and, I think, better than last season. Even in the top six last time, there were a few people who were scraping by on charm. This time, everyone’s just solid.
As an aside, I’d like to say that I think by the end of this episode, I will be so damn sick of blue smurf "Avatar
" people I will hurl. Don’t push me, James Cameron!
It’s time for the judges to pick their favorite routines. Lil C wants Cat to bring the buckness in. In plain English, he wants to see Kevin, Legacy and Russell do their thing. I’d love it if they ran subtitles when Lil C opens his mouth so you know what the hell he’s talking about. Anyway, aatching all three of these dancers together is pretty amazing, but even surrounded by guys in generally the same genre, Kevin really does shine.
Shankman wants to see Ellenore and Jakob do the “Tore My Heart” routine. Which is just as stellar this time as it was the first time. Why couldn’t have Ellenore gotten another routine like this instead of that crap robot dance last night? Watching this, I’m reminded that Sonja may have deep-seated emotional problems, but who cares if she can choreograph routines like this one?
Nigel wants to see the tap dancers. Phillip, Peter and Bianca take the stage, and all I want to do is tell Bianca to stop flapping her arms like a rabid turkey. Peter may have lasted longest in the competition, but I still think, of the tappers, Phillip had the most natural grace and was the most watchable. This routine gets boring surprisingly fast. And the guys just tossed Bianca over their heads in a most awkward way. Seriously, tap is like the vinyl record of dance.
Mary wants to see Ryan and Ashleigh dance a high-kicking jive. Which I’d like to see, too. But really, it doesn’t excite me as much as I’d hoped. I do think Ashleigh has more chemistry with Jakob than her own husband, which makes me think they either have a really great marriage or a really lousy one.
Goody, it’s time for Leona Lewis to sing the theme to, yes, “Avatar”! It’s not Celine Dion “Titanic” shlocky, but it’s pretty close. I know I’m supposed to be excited about the giant Smurf movie, but I’m not really getting it. There are regular people, and then there are blue giant people, and there’s some really bad dialogue and Sigourney Weaver, and that’s about the time I start looking for the remote and the trailer isn’t even half over.
Really, this could be a half hour show. And we’re not even halfway done yet. Really, if someone could just wake me when it gets interesting, I’d appreciate it.
Time for the Groovaloos to dance. They’re groovy. Maybe it’s time to go get a snack. I’d rather watch Legacy or Russell, honestly. This isn’t significantly better than anything I’ve seen buskers doing on the curb.
Nigel wants to see a contemporary routine starring Kathryn and Jakob and that vomitous Michael Buble song. But yes, this is a beautiful routine. It’s yet again awesome. Although this time I was even more tempted to hit mute than before.
Toasty Oreo wants Bollywood. And he’s reading notes to convey this, which makes me wonder if he really wants to see this or the producers are holding a gun on him under the table. Because really, can’t say I’m eager to see Mollee and Nathan dancing again. But this is definitely one of their better routines. I have to say, I like them much better now that they’ve been eliminated.
Things are just about to get exciting when Cat’s mic goes out. And she’s standing alone on stage. Oh, the joys of live television! Crap, Russell injured his leg. And he’s crying. Poor baby! Ryan, being the partner guy, is holding him up. Do we really have to do results
right now? I feel like there’s a family emergency that requires someone’s attention and it’s kind of tacky to say, um, one of you guys is going home.
The person in sixth place is... Ryan. I just realized why Ryan always seemed a little creepy to me – it’s the well-tweezed eyebrows. I’m serious. I mean, metrosexuality can be taken too far. I am sorry to see him go, because he’s a great dancer and a better partner, but yeah, it was his time.
Oh great, more "Avatar" promos. Sigourney, I like you better when you’re not blue.
Time for a performance by Adam Lambert. I hate seeing him on network TV
, since he’s been so beaten down for kissing a guy I think he must not be having too much fun at all. But I love that jacket, even if that thing on his shoulder looks a bit like something very ill pooped on him. Even when his guitarist leans against his back, you can see him stiffen up a little. You know he’s thinking, God, I hope the network doesn’t accuse me of having back sex.
Time to watch the audition montage! Or go to the bathroom! Or see if there are any bills to open!
Now, fifth person out... and Cat has to read everyone’s name, just in case anyone in the audience is mentally feeble. Ashleigh’s out. Aww. But man, she went far for someone who wasn’t even in the cut for the top 20. She should be really, really proud of herself. She and Ryan are going to kick even more ass on the ballroom circuit now.
Adam wants to see another routine. He requests Ellenore and Legacy doing their Mr. and Mrs. Smith routine, which was red hot. Ellenore is starting to look a little tired. I’m sure she’s stressed out and really needs to soak her feet.
They finally remember Debbie Allen is sitting at the dais with nothing at all to do. She wants to see the frog dance, but Russell is injured, so we’re going to watch a tape. Debbie must be thrilled she dropped everything else she was doing to appear on the show.
Final four – time for results. Russell looks grim, though he could be in pain. But it’s Ellenore. Damn! I blame the robot dance. I thought she’d be at least third, possibly second, because until last night she was the best girl. Stupid robot dance!
More "Avatar" plugging. Did you know the female characters are so empowered Sigourney and Zoe Saldana are going to give one another high fives? Wow! I’m still not interested!
Lil C wants to see a dance in which the dancers had to dance through every portal of their beings, and it’s an orgy of majestic contemporary artistry. Maybe he should be like Toasty and refer to notes. Nathan jumps a full beat before everyone else, and I think that was a whole hella lotta not intentional. Nathan is not dancing through every portal. But I think someone should give him a role in the next “Twilight” movie, because he’s still tween dreamy.
Two more routines. And J. Lo. And Mary J Blige. Dear GOD, does Fox have no mercy in their quest for ratings?
Mary wants to see Russell and Kathryn dance. So, we’re going to the tape. Looks pretty much exactly like it looked last night. Yay, filler!
Mary J Blige rocks a blonde bouffant and a very tight skirt. She kind of looks like a more mature Rhianna. But I think she’s actually singing, and she’s always good. Thank you, Mary, for actually being interesting.
Nigel wants to see the top 20 dance to Wade Robson. It’s all good fun, but really, twenty people on stage is just hard to sort out.
Eeek, final three! Eeek! Eeek! The next to go is... Kathryn. Bummer. Another one who’s grown by leaps and bounds since Vegas. As much as I love Russell, I do think she should have come in second. And, you know, Jakob should win.
Next up: Jennifer Lopez. Poor thing has to follow Mary J Blige. With a Christmas intro and a big shoe. And a telephone prop. Gee, she isn’t lipsynching, is she? She is throwing on her Louboutins. This is not a great song, but she looks great, which may be more impressive. She’s still throwing on her Louboutins. This chorus couldn’t be more annoying. And now she has some dancers who look like Rockettes. Is this supposed to distract me from how sucky this song is? Because it doesn’t. And I hate to see Rockettes rock out, because it’s like making Santa rap. It’s just wrong and sort of craps all over a fond childhood memory. Thanks, J. Lo. But she gets props for hiring contestants from previous seasons. Even if this song still sucks. God, is it long or what. Oh, thank God, it’s over.
Ooh, final two! Aaack! No more chair for Russell. I guess the producers feel like he should man up at this point.
Final words from the judges. Nigel says the true winners are dance, this show and America. Blah, blah, blah. Who WON?
And the winner is... is Russell going to pass out? I’m sure he just wants an aspirin. Anyway, America’s favorite dancer is... Russell! Really? Huh. I mean, I was rooting for Jakob, but this is okay, too. Russell seems CRAZY happy. So that’s nice.
Russell may be the sentimental favorite, but you know, he needed the break more than Jakob. Jakob will do fine (and he might have an insta-boyfriend in Adam Shankman), but this win probably will be much more life changing for Russell. But now I need a nap, as two hours of sitting on pins and needles waiting for a reveal that took all of two minutes just wore me out.
Do you think Russell should have won? Who were you rooting for? And will you be tuning in for season 7?