Do you ever think Heidi Klum missed her calling as the dictator of a very small fascistic country, someplace that has exceptionally clean streets but canes citizens for chewing gum, perhaps? Maybe we should all just be happy she’s on “Project Runway,” where she’s less likely to hurt someone. Not that I don’t love her. I don’t know what that says about me, but I suspect it’s not good.

Everyone is recovering from last week’s elimination. Mitchell’s glad he didn’t take a bullet, and I’m glad he didn’t, too. Althea is shocked that Ari is gone, shocked, I tell you. Because... people don’t get eliminated on this show?

Oh, you know how this week’s challenge is for everyone to create a non-whale like outfit for a pregnant supermodel? I was kind of thinking it was Heidi, even though I think this was filmed so long ago that her fourth baby wasn’t even a glimmer in Seal’s eye, but in fact Heidi reveals that hugely pregnant Rebecca Romijn will be the lucky model for their pregnancy fashions. What, she’s too good for Pea in the Pod?

Anyway, everyone hustles over to FIDM to play with their pregnancy pads. Now, I know Christopher won the last challenge and he’s a natural born genius or something, but he has a tendency to say things that make me think he not only needed a design school education, but maybe something past fifth grade, because he actually points to one of these pads and asks, kid you not, “Is this where the baby goes?” and I’m thinking he just means where it goes on the mannequin but I’m not entirely sure. He also wears potholder on his head during the diary cam interview, and I just don’t know what to think.

Gordana has an advantage in this challenge because she’s actually squeezed out a couple pups, so I’m putting my money on her to, if not win, at least place.

It’s time to sketch, and Logan tells us he’s frightened of babies and doesn’t associate with pregnant women, which means this challenge is onlybslightly more appealing to him than an appendectomy. Ra’mon is feeling super confident, as he was in the top three last week as he so readily reminds us, and he’s totally going to win this and then grind his win in everyone’s face. Including ours. But I will say, for a guy who went to medical school, he got “trimester” (as in baby) confused with semester (as in college) for just a minute, so I’m wondering how smart he really is.

Shirin is making a dress and a coat, although I think she was also the designer who made weird crap with detachable capes for her audition video, so I’m not all that impressed. Plus, at Mood she picks out a fabric that looks like a 1940s tablecloth and I do not mean that in a good way. Cristyl is freaking the hell out at Mood, throwing stuff everywhere and running around like a crazy person, which I’m guessing means her pregnancy look will be just as scattered and, knowing her, tacky.

Ra’mon tells us he’s going for refinement, while everyone else is going for flowy and goddessy and Pea in the Pod. Which means he’s never walked past a Pea in the Pod, which specializes in tailored stuff preggos can wear to work. But Ra’mon probably can’t bring himself to walk into malls, as they’re full of unattractive people wearing Birkenstocks and eating soft pretzels and that’s just not his thing.

Louise tells us she’s working on a 1920s negligee-inspired cocktail dress, while Malvin is playing around with the idea of fertility and birds’ nests and eggs and his look is called, I kid you not, the Mother Hen. If this piece of crap has feathers, I am going to pass out.

Ra’mon tells us he’s getting a case of nerves, because Nina told him not to play it safe, though I would argue that maybe making a pregnant lady look like a hoochie mama fashionista, not such a good idea. If you’re going to play it safe, this might be the week, Ra’mon. But because he’s a type A personality he feels he has to WIN. Oh, Ra’mon, just relax. Worse comes to worse, there’s always med school.

Althea loves Malvin’s egg design, possibly because it’s interesting and possibly because she thinks he’s lost his mind and might follow Ari into the Crazypants Loser Hall of Fame, leaving her safe to flip her hair and be all Farrah about things.

Mitchell is doing mom shorts, literally, with a belly band. And he’s making everything supersize, having learned his lesson from the previous week, so everyone takes a turn trying on his extra large shorts, which is kind of fun, although the designers think it’s REALLY funny because they’re tired and punchy and hugely stressed out, and anything is funny when you’re that much of a hot mess.

Ooh, it’s time for Tim to check in! I love this part.

Tim tells Althea her look is night, not day. He tells Louise that, if she’s feeling too nightgowny, she probably is, which is good advice for anyone, really. He tells Mitchell he doesn’t need a T-shirt, but Mitchell lives in fear of sheer, so he ain’t giving it up.  Tim warns Shirin that she better make the right jacket, because the dress is pretty stellar without it. Then, he gets to Malvin. And the poor dear WILL have a feather going on. But that doesn’t bother Tim. The “chicken thighs” theme of jodhpurs, that’s what puts him off, although he does say he’s not bored, which is something. He also warns Ra’mon that he may be calling too much attention to the baby bump. And all the way through, Tim holds his chin and nods meaningfully, which I love.

And then, the game playing starts. Mitchell tells Ra’mon that his model’s baby bump looks like a bowling ball. But in a good way. What is wrong with Mitchell? Seriously, does he think he’s on Big Brother or something?

Ra’mon actually flees the room to have a minor breakdown while Mitchell tries to convince him they’re really friends. Even though you should not tell a friend his dress looks like a bowling ball.

Then, the models come in to get pregnant, which sounds more exciting than it was, and Johnny is wondering if his jacket looks retro or dated, and Qristyl with a Q clarifies that it’s definitely the latter, as Rebecca wouldn’t dust with the damn thing it’s so lame. To which I say, pot meet kettle, because your design last week gives me zero confidence in your taste level. But Nicolas is equally bitchy and says he doesn’t think there’s another design in the room that Rebecca would be caught dead in, so maybe Qristyl’s just stating the obvious.

Oh boy, it’s runway day! Malvin feels he needs to make his egg nest more... literal, which sends a shiver of terror down my spine. Mitchell is worried about his mom shorts, as he should be. Ra’mon thinks he’s the frontrunner because his look is unlike anyone else’s, which tells me he hasn’t seen Malvin’s weird omelet-on-a-stick creation.

Anyway, enough about the Eggman, it’s time to hit the runway. Today the guest judge is Monique Lhuillier, who’s filling in for Michael Kors. Rebecca’s back, of course, as is Nina Garcia. Heidi helpfully points out that every one of the judges has been preggers, so if these designs suck, the designers will be pelted with soda crackers and pints of Ben & Jerrys.

Logan

A casual day look of a white sweater and, I think, leather long shorts, which looks like something I would see in stores, but does that mean it’s Project Runway material?

Shirin

The dress, with the draping neckline and column smocking is a knockout. Not totally sold on the lining of the jacket, though that’s a quibble at best.

Nicolas

His dress looks like a black and grey nightie. It pulls in all the wrong places, and the shiny fabric does that belly bump no favors.

Christopher

I actually like the balloon draping on the bottom of this one-shouldered blouse, and I have to say, maybe Christopher is truly a Rainman genius designer, because this rocks. The color is gorgeous, too.

Mitchell

The mom shorts? Well, not working. Too short. The model looks like a big, white blob thanks to the T-shirt. I’m surprised she’s not wearing Ugg boots and carrying a Starbucks cup, because this is very much an “I just rolled out of bed” look. But I like the cardigan.

Qristyl

Hey, this is actually kinda cute! And the color looks great on a redheaded model like this one. Simple, classy, flowing. And she left the Miami prints at home, thank God.

Epperson

I am so rooting for Oldie McOlderson, but this is not the look. The stiffness of the material hangs awkwardly over the model’s baby bump. The jumpsuit is okay, but not my favorite. And why didn’t everyone remember that white makes you look FAT even if you’re not pregnant?

Louise

The nightie actually turned out to be pretty gorgeous. Great color, cute hemline on this dress. Love the slight ruffle on the three-tier hem.

Gordana

A nice casual look with a cardigan and leggings. Not a home run, but not bad at all.

Johnny

While he blew me away last week, this is very blah. A plain shift dress that clings to her baby bump and does nothing to distract us, it not only makes her look bulbous, it calls attention to the fact that it’s a fake bump. Not good.

Malvin

Instead of egg, we get diaper. It literally looks like he took a wad of fabric and threw it on the model, then told her to start walking. He says it’s flattering, but I say, only if your goal is to look slightly insane while pregnant. Which might work for some people, who knows.

Ra’mon

The Purple People Eater arrives! The dress is interesting, but it doesn’t seem well made to me.

Carol

The turquoise color of this dress is interesting, but I’m not sure about the fold of fabric underneath the baby bump. It’s like when people with horrible scars decide to use tatttoos to cover them up, which just makes you say, "Hey, look at that ugly tattoo on top of that scar!"

Althea

This is a nice dress, but model’s got her hooters out a bit.

 

Irina

Beautiful blue color, but the dress is a little too short. Like, bend over and end up in the tabloids short.

 

Time for judging. The winners and losers are Louise, Malvin, Mitchell, Ra’mon, Shirin and Althea. Everyone else is safe to snip another day.

Ra’mon

Nina thinks it looks sloppy and confusing. Not a winner for Ra’mon.

Louise

Rebecca likes it. She’d wear it on a date with her husband. Monique likes the details. Nina digs the tiers, which accommodate the different stages of pregnancy.

Althea

Rebecca likes the lines of the dress and how versatile it is. Monique says it’s perfection and loves the color, except it needs more boobage coverage. Nina likes the maxi length. Heidi thinks it’s a beautiful dress.

Malvin

He starts talking about the mother hen crazypants crap, and it does not go over. Nina likes the black detailing, but finds the sling disturbing. Heidi doesn’t think anyone wants to look like a chicken.

Mitchell

Heidi likes the idea, but wonders why it’s so difficult to make freakin’ shorts. Nina calls it a mess. Rebecca thinks the execution didn’t work out.

Shirin

Rebecca loves the lining and the waistband. Monique loves the draping and thinks Shirin should get into the maternity business. Nina thinks it’s versatile and nicely done.

With the designers tucked away backstage, the judges get their bitch on. Rebecca thinks Ra’mon’s dress looks like a bowling ball bag. Monique has friends who’d wear Mitchell’s outfit, but Heidi says the shorts look like she sewed them herself, and she can’t sew. Nina calls Malvin’s outfit bizarre, though Monique gives him point for having a concept. Everyone loves Shirin’s outfit. Heidi loves the slimming cut of Althea’s dress, and Monique loves the color. Rebecca would wear Louise’s dress, but Nina isn’t sure about the lingerie aspect. Heidi is amazed by the execution.

It’s decision time! And I think Shirin has this in the bag. Rebecca names Shirin the winner, and she’s all kinds of happy. Qristyl gives her a big hug backstage. And that leaves the loser...

It’s down to Mitchell and Malvin. It’s hard for me to pick between these two. Malvin at least had an idea, even if it was a weird one, but Mitchell made mom shorts. Bad mom shorts. Mitchell hasn’t been doing so well, has he?

And the loser is... Malvin. Heidi warns Mitchell he needs to start bringing his A-game. This guy is seriously lucky.

So, last week we lost crazy Ari, this week it’s crazy Malvin. And I’m genuinely sad about this, because Malvin was weird in an interesting way. So was Ari. Yes, I called his design crazy and, I think, an omelet on a stick, but I still don’t think it was so awful he needed to go. At least it all fit, unlike, ahem, Mitchell’s boho homeless look. Honestly, I think this show needs at least a few designers who are willing to think waaaaay outside the box and are willing to do something edgy, at least for a few weeks. You don’t want them taking their crazy to Bryant Park necessarily, but at least keep them around until week four or something.

I’ll admit, Rebecca wouldn’t wear Malvin’s weird egg thing, but that’s not the point of his design – he’s thinking of what’s right for the runway, not what’s right for a C-list actress to waddle around town in. Sure, that wasn’t the assignment, but I didn’t think Malvin would eat dirt this early on. And I think the show is lesser for it. So there.

Do you think Malvin deserved to go? Do you think Shirin’s outfit was the best? Do you think Mitchell and Ra’mon are frenemies or friends?