It’s time for the finale of season twelve of “DWTS,” which is being addressed with all the fanfare of a royal wedding, but with tacky spangles, even more boring parts and fewer ridiculous hats. So let’s get through these two hours of fluff to learn the fate of our three celebrity finalists, shall we?

Click to find out who the lucky winner is.

So, the trumped up drama begins. Did you know the definition of the word “journey” is “the act of becoming a champion”? Someone alert Merriam-Webster, because my dictionary is SO off.

First off, many sexy dancers hit the floor to welcome back some amateurs and, I’m guessing, make them feel even worse about their limited skills. Oh look, there’s Petra! And Wendy! And Kendra! And Hickory, you were there, too! But you were the tin man! Sorry, got distracted there.

The Black-Eyed Peas perform “Don’t Stop the Party” from “The Beginning.” This album has been out since last year, so if you dig the Peas, you’ve probably already bought it. Fergie is working a necklace that looks like a silver version of what the giraffe women of the Paduang tribe wear to detach their clavicles, but it works for her.

Oh, yay. The judges weigh in on the finalists. What I have to admire about the judges is how excited they are doing essentially the same canned segments every single week as if they’ve never had to make pretty much these exact same comments before. Chelsea is little Miss Dynamite. She has the most consistent technique. Hines’ secret weapon is his smile. Kirstie is a phoenix rising from the ashes week after week. No clear leader has emerged!

Finally, our dancers come onto the stage. And we cut to commercial. Yay.
 
Psycho Mike Catherwood auditions in legwarmers and a unitard for the “DWTS” Dance Troupe. And then he gets down on the dance floor with Lacey Schwimmer. Words fail Tom. Words are failing me, too. This is cute at first, and then it drags on. And on. And on. Yes, we get it, Mike was pretty bad. But making him stumble through a non-jokey routine isn’t all that funny.
 
Clip montage time! Kirstie fell on Maks. Wendy Williams sucked. Kendra was a stripper. Yada, yada, yada.
 
Petra performed a waltz to “Raise Me Up” in week three, and performs it again with Dmitry Chaplin. Josh Groban is actually singing, which makes Petra giggle with delight when she discovers the surprise. It’s still a beautiful dance and I’m still surprised Petra didn’t last longer in the competition. Or at least longer than Kendra, she of the horse laugh and the unfortunate gastric eruptions.
 
And speak of the devil! Kendra is dancing with Louis, Tony, Tristan and Teddy. What’s so funny about this is that – though technically the dance is messy and she lacks control – she seems so much happier and looser than she did during the actual competition. If she’d been this relaxed during the show, I think she might have gotten better scores.
 
More clips. Sigh. Oh, and Chris Jericho is going to dance. And so is Sugar Ray Leonard. It’s a dance off. They dance with their partners, then face off. And Chris feebly kicks at Sugar Ray’s head and that’s the end. Um, okay. Can we find out who placed third now, please?
 
No, we can’t, because Chris Jericho worked on an imitation of Bruno. Oddly, he sounds like Bruno with a touch of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Then, Chris and Bruno fake kiss.
 
Wendy Williams interviews herself and Tony Dovolani. This is all kinds of bad, but it gives her a chance to plug her daytime talk show. She’d like to drink with Kirstie. She thinks Hines is very attractive. She thinks Mark Ballas wears more eyeliner than Chelsea. And she can’t choose a winner. Ballroom diplomacy!
 
It’s time for the dance created by a viewer (Tracey Sue Hess) as well as voted on, cast and musically matched by the audience for the Macy’s Design A Dance. Maks Chmerkovskiy, Lacey Schwimmer, Cheryl Burke and Chelsie Hightower perform to the Go-Go’s singing “We Got the Beat.” Nice to see the Go-Go’s, I guess, but this looks a bit like it should include stripping.
 
Romeo is going to perform for kids everywhere by dancing to “The Greatest Love of All.” And a children’s choir kicks in. This feels like the drippiest Christmas special ever. And then, because it’s Romeo, he plugs! At least this time it’s his charity urbanborn.org. And then he plugs his Twitter feed. That’s our Romeo! This is slightly more charming when we’ve had a few weeks away from it.
 
More clips. Hey, they blurred out Hines falling on Kym this time.
 
Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff dance. I wish Ralph had delivered on the promise we saw in his first week, but at least it looks like he’s having a good time, Karina doesn’t fall and he isn’t clutching his leg in pain.
 
Now, a cute clip montage that turns the judges’ critiques into a rap song. They should have done this through the whole episode! Oh, wait, no. It would make me insane after ten minutes. But points for mixing it up a little.
 
Time to chat with the finalists. Chelsea wants to win, but she’s honored just to be with Hines and Kirstie. Kirstie is excited to perform in a scrap of her dress from the first week. Hines is visualizing a win. And he’s going to have a twinkletoes battle-off with Emmit Smith. That I’d pay to see, honestly.
 
Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas
They’re going to do their wizard waltz again. Last chance to prove to Len it’s a real Viennese waltz! Chelsea cries because she’s going to miss Mark. They hug. It’s cute.
 
It’s hard to remember the original version, but I think this is pretty polished by any measure.
 
Len says Chelsea is a fantastic dancer. Bruno says she’s an enchantress and she’s a great technician. Carrie Ann says that she’s very talented and graceful woman. Chelsea gets weepy.
 
Carrie Ann: 10 Len: 10 Bruno: 10 for 30 out of 30. Whoot!
 
Kirstie Alley and Maks Chmerkovskiy
Kirstie wants to repeat her week one cha cha cha. Most importantly, she wants to wear that dress again – but taken in to fit her new body. I think Kirstie is going to have to do some serious shopping after this week unless she decides to start eating pies with both hands to get back into her old wardrobe.
 
The good news is that she doesn’t run out of steam. But I think she’s too nervous. She blows a few moves and doesn’t stay on beat at the beginning.
 
Bruno calls her a cheeky girl and thought it was a 100 proof cocktail. Carrie Ann loves her for being her. She saw magic. Len thinks it was her best dance. Really?
 
Carrie Ann: 10 Len: 10 Bruno: 10. Oh, come on. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t perfect, people. Kirstie is going to miss dancing with Maks every day. They are, oddly, a really cute couple.
 
Hines Ward and Kym Johnson
They’re going to do the samba for his mom. In rehearsal, he takes off his sweatpants to show Kym he’s keeping his legs straight. Hines already misses Kym.
 
Hines is adorable, and this is, of course, a strong performance. And there’s his mom, waving a yellow towel.
 
And, apropos of nothing, there’s Sarah Palin. Huh.
 
Carrie Ann thinks he’s danced with heart and it shows. Len thinks Hines brings every dance to life. And then he gives a shout out to the band. We’re running out of time, Len. Bruno thinks he’s Mr. Irresistable.
 
Carrie Ann: 10 Len: 10 Bruno: 10 for a total of 30 out of 30. So, no real point in the judging tonight, just one big love fest. I’m not saying Hines didn’t deserve a perfect score, mind you. But his performance was quite a bit better than Kirstie’s, and she got the same perfect score.
 
Sara Evans performs “A Little Bit Stronger.” And we watch clips of the finalists and then the actual finalists getting all weepy. You know, the Oscars aren’t as big of a maudlin production as this is.
 
So, the third place couple is…Chelsea and Mark. Waah!
 
So the new champions are… Hines and Kym. Well, he was the front runner, and he visualized it, so yeah, he was going to win. Go Steeler nation, I guess. Was he the best dancer? Does it matter? He’s definitely one of the most likable football players who’s been on the show and he does have that smile. But what’s most important is that season, and this two hour extravaganza, is finally over.
 
Do you think Hines deserved to win? Do you think Kirstie’s performances yesterday hurt her? And who would you like to see on season 13?