Considering this episode has actually been on the nightly news more than once, and actually trumped the current Korean crisis for coverage (say that ten times fast), I’m worried that there might be picketing or small scale rioting, though I can’t imagine what that might look like. Maybe “DWTS” fans will knock over Capezio stores, or they’ll picket outside Arthur Murray studios.

[Who won? Who lost? Was there a revolution? Full recap of Tuesday's ("Dancing with the Stars" finale after the break...]
 
So, the eliminated contestants return for the opening routine. Except Michael Bolton (who has a gig) and Audrina Patridge (who doesn’t).
 
Then, it’s time for a quick recap of last night’s performances. The only truly interesting moment was the last one, when Bristol grins and says, “[Winning this] would be like a big middle finger to all the people who hatemy mom and hate me.” So really, all the yapping she’s done about how Democrats are voting for her because she’s just a sweet little peanut and it’s not a political thing, well, that’s just crap, isn’t it? Just for the record, I don’t hate Bristol or her mom, but I do think it would be a shame if the least talented dancer won because some people wanted to make a statement that has nothing to do with the show.
 
Tom explains the scoring, but not very well. Jennifer is less than five percent ahead of Bristol.
 
Then, oh no, Tom is calling Jennifer to the stage and talking about “surprises” and hinting that there’s Something Wrong. And there is, but not really. Jennifer ruptured a disc, but she’s toughing it out. I’m not sure you’re really supposed to tough it out when it comes to your spine, but I guess she really wants that mirror ball.
 
Christina Aguilera performs “Show Me How You Burlesque.” I’ve been reading about how Xtina had packed on some pounds post-split with her husband, and it seems to be true, but whatever, she still has great legs. And pipes. And really, it could be the babydoll minidress, which isn’t flattering on anyone.
 
Kyle and Lacey will be performing their tango, which is just as much fun as it was the first time. Kyle’s the kind of guy who could actually get a conga line started at a party without anyone rolling their eyes about it.
 
Len thinks he had a great attitude and he’s exciting. Bruno thinks he’s a talented young man. Carrie Ann thinks the dance showed all the wonderful aspects of Kyle. And then we cut to Montel Williams, who seemed really excited about this.
 
Bristol and Mark will also be doing a tango. Can they at least wear different outfits so Bristol doesn’t look like she’s a member of Prince’s marching band? Unfortunately not. But Bristol tells Mark she wants to do the headbanger move in the middle of the dance, even though it cost them a point the last time. Which makes me think she either knows she’s coming in last anyway, she just doesn’t care, or she’s confident she’s winning this thing.
 
Bruno thinks this dance put her into the final. Carrie Ann says it’s her favorite from Bristol. Len thinks she’s the opposite of Kyle and skirts giving her an actual compliment.
 
Jennifer and Derek do a Viennese waltz, the one that reminded her of Patrick Swayze. And, yet again, great job from Jennifer and Derek. But then they cut to her husband, and he actually looks worried. Which makes me think that maybe she shouldn’t be toughing it out. But I can’t focus on that too long, because then we’re cutting back to Jamie Lee Curtis, who’s wearing what appears to be fabric swatches on a ring around her wrist. I’m assuming this is a good luck thing and not a horrible, horrible fashion choice. But it’s good to have supportive friends, even if they’re a little nutty.
 
Anyway, back to the judging. Carrie Ann thought Jennifer had new wisdom. Len thinks she’s the whole package. Bruno thought it was blissfully beautiful. Hmm, who do the judges thing should win? That would be Jennifer.
 
Kyle’s scores: 9, 8 and 9. Did Len actually give Bristol the nine?
 
Bristol’s scores: 8, 9 and 8. Len, Len, Len.
 
Jennifer’s scores: 10, 10 and 10. Jennifer says she’s going to go out and shake her moneymaker. Which she really shouldn’t, as I’m thinking her moneymaker is attached to her spine, and the show won’t be fun if someone ends up in a wheelchair or a neck brace.
 
Next up, the instant dance. Kyle and Lacey will dance first, Jennifer and Derek second and Bristol and Mark last.
 
But first, we need to watch David Hasselhoff do a not-funny intro and a fairly decent song and dance routine. Then, Rick Fox and Kurt Warner do a not-funny intro and a fairly decent dance routine. Although I kind of love that their partners wear dresses in team colors.
 
I do love that Tom calls Rick and Kurt out for not answering the “who do you think” will win question.
 
After the commercial break, Brooke invites the “funny ladies” of the season back to the dance floor. I’m not sure if Florence Henderson really considers herself a funny lady, but if that’s what it takes to get her out on the dance floor after Margaret Cho while wearing a banana-colored dress, so be it.
 
Oh, yay, here’s a look at the most dramatic moments of the season. And we start with Jennifer crying. Then Brandy swearing. And The Situation tossing Karina around. And the audience booing. Then assorted crying and freaking out. I know ABC wants to milk this show for every ratings drop it can, but really, the clip jobs are just irritating.
 
Tom Bergeron points out that the dance room backstage is tantamount to a veal pen. Tom Bergeron is one of the most underrated funny people on television, because unlike most announcers, he’s actually far better working off-script. Instead of boring up with canned comedy, why not just let Tom loose, “DWTS”?
 
The Situation does a funny intro and a not-so-great dance number, but he gets points for having a good attitude.
 
Then, another clip montage. Maybe “DWTS” is going after the Alzheimer’s audience or something. Really, I haven’t forgotten what happened two weeks ago, producers. And if someone’s just tuning in for this episode, well, a clip job isn’t going to fill in the gaps.
 
Brandy and Maks dance. Oh, what could have been.
 
Brooke asks Jennifer if she’s going to collapse in pain on the dance floor. Jennifer assures her she’s fine, but her voice sounds KiNd oF SqUeAKy, which makes me think she’s not feeling so great.
 
Christina Aguilera performs “Beautiful” in so much fog machine fluff I’m not sure she’s really on the stage at all. I think we may have lost one of the shorter dancers.
 
The judges talk about the finalists, but don’t really say anything they haven’t said before.
 
Kyle and Lacey do their cha-cha-cha. Nice job. But then Jennifer and Derek come out, and it’s also a nice job, but just that much sharper. Bristol also does a fair job, but gets goofy, doing rodeo roping moves and booty shakes to get through the minute. But at least she looks like she’s having a good time.
 
The judges lavish the contestants with praise. Can we just get to the results now? Please? Come on!
 
Kyle’s scores: 9, 9 and 10. Good job!
Jennifer’s scores: 9, 9 and 10. Huh.
Bristol’s scores: 9, 9 and 9. Really? Bristol’s performance was just one point less impressive than Jennifer’s?
 
Now it’s time to reveal who’s in third place. And it is… Bristol and Mark. Okay, that’s fair. I think, given Bristol’s ability, third place is an exceptional result. She doesn’t seem too broken up about it, either. She never expected to last this long and said as much, so I don’t feel too bad for her, really. And let’s face it, if she had won this thing, there would have been violence. Or a very angry fan dance-off somewhere off Broadway.
 
And who won the trophy? C’mon, let’s hear it! Really, I’ve got to think it’s Jennifer. She may be a drama queen, but she’s really head and shoulders above the competition.
 
And, after many pregnant pauses and a musical build-up, the new champions are revealed to be… Jennifer and Derek. Jennifer starts crying, which I’m sure has something to do with the fact her spine is about to fall out.
 
Kyle is gracious in defeat, as you’d expect. I think, like Bristol, he was pretty happy to make it as far as he did, given that most people over the age of twelve have no idea who he is.
 
So, the American public voted for skill over trying super hard and still not showing much natural aptitude for public performance, which is encouraging until you remember that more people probably voted for “DWTS” than the last general election. But hey, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’ll take the positives where I can get them.
 
 
Were you surprised Bristol came in third? Do you think Kyle should have won? Are you getting tired of seeing Derek win?