Very unlikely to become the ninth couple eliminated from this season of "Dancing With The Stars," Melissa & Tony open tonight's results show with a re-do of their perfect 30 samba. It's as fantastic as it was last night, and Melissa is just as trampy-looking in a re-do of her sparkly-blue-showgirl getup.
With two dances per couple to recap, Melissa's dance leads into an extra long montage that let's us know what we already do: Melissa & Tony are in the lead (with 57 points), with Gilles & Cheryl and Shawn & Mark just behind (with 56 each). Lil' Kim & Derek are falling a bit behind after being on top last week (with 52 points), while Ty & Chelsie are obviously the ones that deserve to go (with 46). I'll be pretty shocked if that's not the case, but I should keep in mind that last week they weren't even in the bottom two.
We'll find out in 55 minutes.
First up to held build the tension is guest performer Jamie Cullum, who becomes the first performer this season that I've never heard of. He's fine I guess, but I refuse to ever say I enjoyed a musician "I first heard on 'Dancing With The Stars.'" Cullum leads into something called "Dance Center," which continues the show's horrible, horrible tradition of attempting parody. A spoof of Sports Center featuring Len and two people I don't recognize and didn't catch their names, it's the producers' oh-so-clever way of ensuring once and for all that we are totally caught up on what's happened so far this season through childish humor. Example of the jokes attempted: "Lil' Kim has one huge asset. And she knows how to work that asset." They only get through 3 contestants, so I fear their return.
First, though, we actually get some news on the competition: Gilles & Cheryl are safe. Gilles is very excited, despite this being very obvious to everyone other than him.
Dance Center is back already. They giveth, they taketh away.
Now Samantha's introducing the "Macy's Stars of Dance" by saying were about to see the biggest stars this dance floor has ever seen. Bigger than Belinda Carlise!?? Actually, no. It's Marty Kudelka and Dee Caspary, who I'm not totally unaware of. I'm sure they are genuinely huge in the dance world, and with good reason: an intense number to Coldplay's "Vida La Vida" set inside a giant star is definitely the highlight of the night thus far.
We get one more couple that has made it to next week's semi-finals: Melissa & Tony. Shocking.
Ugh, now it's the pro-dancer part of the competition (where a separate competition decides who would be next professional dancer). Do I really have to do this? Quick, and with no feeling: There's three left - Afton, Anna, Mayo - and they have been paired with three former contestants (Cody Linley, Maurice Greene and the only one I recognize, Lisa Rinna - to go on this show is one thing, to RETURN is a true stamp of the F-list star). The best part is Rinna's rehearsal montage with Mayo, who is a foot taller than her. Ever the cougar, Rinna says something along the lines of "your body is just so different than I'm used to. I'll just have to get used to. Like if I was sleeping with you." He's a child, Lisa. And very likely gay. And aren't you still married to Harry Hamlin? Wait.. later I see him in the audience clapping for you, so yes.
Mayo and Lisa are probably the weakest couple, with both Afton (with Cody) and Anna (with Maurice) excelling in both my eyes and the judges.
Alright, 7 minutes left. Let's get to this.
One more safe couple: Shawn & Mark. So we get the obvious bottom two, Lil Kim & Derek and Ty & Cheslie. And let's hope after an umpteenth commercial break we get the get obvious voted off. Lil Kim CAN'T go home.
And... she DOES! Travesty! Lil' Kim and Derek are somehow, thanks to a bunch of extreme ill-judgement on the part of the viewers (those 18 Jewel fans can't be entirely to blame either), have been voted off! For the first time, I feel emotionally connected to the show, and not in a good way. Ty better be gone next week...
Are you as annoyed as Peter?