Steve-O and Lacey Schwimmer of 'Dancing with the Stars'

Credit: Kelsey McNeal/ABC

The usual recaps inform us that going into Tuesday (April 14) night's "Dancing with the Stars" elimination (which, for some reason, will no longer feature a dance-off), Steve-O and Ty are facing some measly scores from the judges, while Shawn, Gilles, Melissa and top-scorer Lil' Kim continue their reign as the top four. There is no mention of Lil' Kim's alleged near-wardrobe malfunction, which was cut from the west coast feed last night.

With only eight people left to potentially eliminate, there's a lot of time to fill in between, and the "fun" begins with the cast of a "West Side Story" revival doing "America"! Then backstage Samantha gets us some obvious information from the contestants. Kim wants to stay at #1.  Ty admits he was less than spectacular. Steve-O is "eternally grateful" to continue to be on the show.  THIS is riveting television, people...

[Full recap, with results, after the break...]

We find out that Lil' Kim & Derek and Lawrence & Edyta are safe.  The former is a given, but the latter a bit of a surprise considering he was in the bottom two last week.  Steve-O and Ty now certainly seem like the bottom two.

We'll find out the next two after 40 more minutes of poorly produced reality television. Next up: Multi-platinum selling superstars Rascall Flatts! Singing "Here Comes Goodbye," I am tempted to do the same.  I hang in there for the clips to follow, which I like to call "weekly useless segment to fill time," this time featuring a behind-the-scenes look (and of course, recap) of the "star"'s costumes. I was hoping for at least a fun sound bite, or some reference to Lil' Kim's wardrobe malfunction. But no. Though we do learn next week the "stars"'s will design their professional dancer's outfits (I assume by "design," they mean "pick out for them"). Oh, man.. I can't wait!

More results... Shawn & Mark and Melissa & Tony are told to step down to the stage as if there's some suspense to whether they are safe or not.  Tom somehow draws out the obvious with ten too many seconds of silence.  As expected, both safe.

Dear God.  A Pussycat Doll (not Nicole, the only one who's name I know) has choreographed a dance featuring Carmen Electra, brought to us by Macy's. From Etta James last week, to this? As suspected, its a PG rated strip show. And a poorly imagined one at that. Carmen makes 2009 Britney Spears look like 1999 Britney Spears.

So now it's 9:45 and we still don't know either of the dancers in the bottom two.  But instead of finding out, we get ANOTHER performance from Rascall Flatts covering The Beatles in a way never intended... AND a bizarre, bizarre segment where a doctor is interviewed to explain to us the concept of body language and how it applies to the dancers:  Lil' Kim's eyes are always wide open. So she wants to see it all!  Shawn likes to shrug. It means she's insecure!  Melissa's "facial expressions show fear," this means... guess what... she's scared!

They couldn't do a dance-off, but they can do all of this??

It's 9:52. Get this over with. Gilles & Cheryl? Shocking! They're safe. But after Tom announces this, it suddenly cuts to commercial with him saying offscreen  "well, that was abrupt."

They come back with no explanation, but finally give us the results: Chuck & Julianne are safe, leaving us with the cowboy and the jackass... And it seems the fans have finally given up on Mr. O, after six weeks of keep him safe despite horribly low scores. Steve-O tells us it's "been awesome" and "forced him to really grow as a person," and heads back to obscurity...

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