It’s elimination night (waah waah) and, as usual, we get the tired patter about how anyone can go home and one bad dance could put a nail in a celebrity’s dancing career coffin or some other weirdly mixed metaphor that makes sense if you don’t think about it too much. This week, Tom mentions that one couple was shocked by their crap dance, so he asks us if lightning strike again. Okay, I take that back about making sense if you don’t think about it too much. I really think they should just ask Tom to wing it through the intros, because even on a moment’s notice he’s still a hell of a lot pithier than the show’s writers.

[Full recap of Tuesday's (May 3) "Dancing with the Stars" results after the break...]
 
Anyway, time for some dancing! Len requests the team dance by Team Chelsea, a cha cha to Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way,” otherwise known as Madonna’s “Express Yourself.” With the pressure off, everyone seems to be having a grand old time, especially Chelsea. She’s just so happy and bubbly I will be really, really bummed if we someday discover she’s a tortured soul with a drug problem and a shoplifting habit or whatever the starlet meltdown du jour happens to be. But I don’t even think that’s possible, as she’s just too darn cute.
 
The first two couples on the block are Hines & Kym and Kirstie & Maks. Time to watch moments from last night. I didn’t realize that Hines stepped on Kym’s shirt, but he still got 36 points so I’m guessing the judges didn’t, either, or simply didn’t care. Kirstie tells us she was fine until she kissed Maks, and then everything became a blur. I get that.
 
The first couple safe is… Hines and Kym. Kirstie and Maks are in jeopardy.
 
Backstage, Brooke talks to Chelsea and Mark about their tendency to push the envelope. Have they pushed too far? Well, now’s not really the best time to hash this out, but Chelsea assures her that it’s always right time for a risk! Hines gives Brooke his typical post-game patter about working hard. Kirstie flips her hair and giggles. I seriously think Kirstie may be lacking nutrients.
 
Nicki Minaj performs “Moment for Life.” I love Nicki Minaj and I love this song, but it doesn’t really lend itself to ballroom dancing. But what does? Still, that’s fine, because we get to see Nicki Minaj’s latest crazy ass outfit and hair. Does she share a closet with Lady Gaga, because that would save so much money and time.
 
Next, we see a ballet dance from Patricia Zhou. She didn’t start dancing ballet until she was 13 and now, four years later, she’s poised to become the Michael Jordon of dance. Does this mean she’s going to have a Hanes endorsement? Her parents are so glad they let her dance, because now she’s happy and successful. So, I guess if she pursued dance and didn’t become the Michael Jordan of dance, they’d just pressure her into med school?  
 
Our next couples on the block are Chelsea & Mark and Ralph & Karina. Mark is so pissed at Len for grumbling about theirpaso doble and only giving them an 8. He doesn’t know how else to please Len! Len doesn’t get what Mark’s problem is, because he didn’t give anyone a higher score than an 8 last night and that’s what they got. “Such is youth, I don’t know,” Len grumbles. Well, maybe Mark’s pissed because Len acted like they crapped on the dance floor and they should have gotten a 9 from him. But such is crotchety old man attitude, I don’t know. 
 
The next couple safe is… Ralph & Karina. Chelsea & Mark are still in jeopardy. Waaah!
 
Brooke chats with Romeo and Kendra. Brooke has to ask if Romeo regrets the day that he skipped practice to fulfill a contractual obligation to promote his movie. Um, I doubt it Brooke, but thanks for giving Romeo an entrée to plug “Jumping the Broom.” Meanwhile, Kendra’s heart is bumping outside of her chest. She’s nervous! She loves dance! She’s discovered a whole new her! Does this mean you won’t wave your farts in public anymore? Because honestly, I think that’s a gift to everyone.
 
Next, Wayne Brady pays tribute to James Brown, because when I think of the Godfather of Soul, I think of that guy who hosts “Let’s Make A Deal.” But I have to admit, he is not bad at all. No, he isn’t James Brown, but he has a solid enough voice and is able to put his own spin on “Sex Machine,” which is saying something. And sure, he can mimic the moves and the little scream Brown did, but it feels like homage, not parody.
 
Yay, another time waster! The dancers pow wow with their partners in a dark room that looks like a good spot for an interrogation or a David Mamet play. The pros trot out the usual tropes: You need to work hard! You need to be sexy! Don’t think so much! Kirstie needs more validation! Kendra likes being pushed! Hines is a natural dancer, Kirstie and Ralph are good actors, blah blah blah
 
Five time Grammy nominee James Blunt sings “I’ll Be Your Man” while 14 time national Latin champions ValChmerkovskiy (yeah, Maks’ brother) and Dasha Chesnokova dance. Such a waste of truly awesome dancing. This is like watching these guys tango to a McDonald’s commercial soundtrack.
 
So, next up are Romeo & Chelsie and Kendra & Louis. Romeo is not discouraged! He’s going to work even harder! Kendra doesn’t want it to end! It’s a part of her!
 
The next couple safe is… Romeo & Chelsea. Kendra & Louis are still in jeopardy. Tom tells Romeo he could tell from the look on his face he thought he was going home. Hell, I thought he was going home. Actually, I think Kirstie’s going home, since they both stunk up the joint last night. But who knows? Lightning could strike and shock us or something. Tom said so.
 
Time for advice for our final three couples from the judges. Len tells Kirstie she needs to be more consistent. He tells Kendra she’s a late blossoming girl. And as for Chelsea, she’s one of the most talented girls on the show and he’ll be shocked if she goes home. So will I.
 
The next couple safe is… Kirstie & Maks. Hmmm. Kirstie’s fun, but come on, she really blew last night. Chelsea looks nervous, but the couple going home is Kendra & Louis.
 
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this week she wasn’t deserving of the boot. A week ago, definitely, but this week she honestly wasn’t as bad as a few other celebrities we could name (cough, Romeo and Kirstie, cough, cough). But you can tell Kendra could see it coming, and I’m certainly not going to cry about it. If she didn’t go this week, I’m pretty sure one good waltz and she’d be flying out the door. She thanks baby Hank and says she’s glad she’s back to being a mom. Louis loves her and is so proud of her. Then she gets out on the dance floor and does a booty shake. Oh, Kendra!
 
Do you think if was Kendra’s time to go? Do you think Kirstie’s falling apart? And are you looking forward to Michael Bolton next week? Kidding!