It’s the 100th elimination on “DWTS” and that, combined with Miley Cyrus performing, promises to make this a night of abject misery and possibly crying. Oh, and Rutgers is going up against Utah Valley University in the college dance championship. Which I care about not at all, but hey, they’ve got to fill up the damn hour somehow to prolong the suffering.

 

[Full recap of Tuesday's (May 18) "Dancing with the Stars" after the break...]
 
The first couple dancing in the finals is… Evan and Anna. Yay! Evan is growing on me, I have to admit, even though I was pretty crushed to realize the guy who looked so smooth on the ice in Canada was an enormous dork once he took off his skates. But, you know, he kind of reminds me of Gonzo on the Muppets, which is kind of adorable if you really think about it, plus he has great hair, so you go, Evan.
 
Len gives us his usual stating-the-painfully-obvious recap. He says Erin has to stop being nervous, Nicole appealed to all his senses, including his tastebuds, which is, bluntly, entirely gross. Len thinks Chad would be a shoe-in for the finals – if this was one of the usual semi-sucky seasons. Which is sadly true.  Len calls Evan’s foxtrot brilliant. As for the Latin round, he doesn’t have much to say about Erin, but he thinks something is wrong with the world if Nicole doesn’t make it to the final and says Chad wasn’t good enough. He calls Evan’s paso doble genius. Then, Len tells us that getting knocked out in the semifinal is devastating. Really, Len? Devastating? Disappointing, yes, but it’s not exactly a death in the family or an unplanned pregnancy.
 
The judges ask to see Evan and Anna’s paso doble. Which is just as fierce the second time around. This is the Evan we saw at the Olympics. You know, before we knew he was a big dork.
 
Hooray, another time suck! We’re going to learn more about the pros, but honestly, nothing interesting. Maks grew up in Ukraine and later, in Brooklyn. And he got beaten up and robbed on his second day in America. He wants to succeed. I can’t decide if Maks is dull or the producers just asked him for the least interesting information from his background for this useless segment.
 
Sarah McLachlan performs a medley of “Angel” and “Loving You is Easy.” The new single is peppier than “Angel,” but not all that interesting. Still, Sarah does rock that red dress, so she has something to be happy about.
 
In the celebuquarium, Brooke quizzes the celebrities about how they’re feeling. Watching Brooke, I’m feeling bored. And, shockingly, she gets boring answers to her boring questions. Everyone’s nervous, no one wants anyone to go home, blah blah blah. Really, I could do without this segment ever.
 
Back to the pro segments. Cheryl was an unfortunately ugly little girl who was so quiet her mother thought she was deaf. It’s a small miracle Cheryl turned out as well as she did, because yeah, that was not a pretty baby picture, boy howdy.
 
Then, Melissa Rycroft and Joey Fatone are the viewers’ picks to return to the show and stumble through a routine without enough preparation. Poor Joey has clearly gained back every pound he lost since doing “DWTS.” Although, I will say that if he wears that black plastic garbage bag ensemble for a few hours a day, every day, the weight will drop right off. I’m not sure ballroom dancing was ever meant to be performed to a KISS song, but Joey gets big props for his willingness to be put in weird silver make-up and a faux hawk, which really speaks to him being a good sport as most celebrities would throw a diva fit if they were forced to look this lame on television.
 
Time for the dreaded college dance-off. First up, Rutgers. The team is brand new, and they’ve been practicing seven hours a night, four days a week, which makes me think all of their grades just blow. But some of the girls apparently still had time to hit the school cafeteria a little hard. I’m just saying, fluorescent pink does nothing to disguise heavy thighs, girls. The routine isn’t bad, but one couple is in their own little world, as in they aren’t synching up with the rest of the group, so this is not looking like a win.
 
Len thought it was a great effort, under the circumstances. Bruno says they needed to be together at all times, but with time they’ll get there. Carrie Ann thinks they have a future. This is what we call faint, faint praise along the lines of, “You have such a pretty face” and “He’s a really nice guy.” Yeah, they’re losing unless Utah Valley really blows.
 
Score: 21
 
We are past the half hour mark and only one couple has passed into the finals. These elimination episodes are such a time suck for no good reason.
 
Oh, yay, Utah Valley University. They offer a BA degree for ballroom dance, which I guess is the major you sign up for if underwater basket weaving is full up. I mean, no offense, but what are the pre-reqs? Great abs? Rhythm? But yeah, I guess the degree pays off because they wipe the floor with Rutgers.
 
Bruno yells and screams about how good it is. Carrie Ann screams a little, too. She thought it was incredible and effortless. Len thought it had a high degree of difficulty and says it was perfect. Say bye-bye, Rutgers.
 
Score: 29
 
Another pro dancer segment. Anna is from Russia. Anna loved dancing as a kid. She has asthma, which is why they moved to the U.S. Her husband thought she was a bitch at first, but he warmed up to her. She’s happy to be back in the semifinals. Blah, blah, blah. I suspect Anna has a lot more to say, but some of it would be curse words and the producers of “DWTS” like to keep things family friendly.
 
Oh, goody, it’s time for Miley Cyrus to perform, looking like she had an unfortunate encounter with a crow sanctuary. She’s surrounded by the cast of “Cats” or maybe some leftover Cirque de Soleil dancers who are playing on jungle gyms, which should be a relief because Miley left her pole and ice cream truck combo at home. According to the utterly unmemorable song, Miley can’t be tamed, which is a shame, because I wish she would be, because this is just uncomfortable. It’s like watching Arianna Huffington rap or Britney Spears think. I know Miley’s all grown up now and poses nude for Vanity Fair and gives lap dances to gay men, but seriously, with her cute little buck teeth and too-close-together eyes, it’s like watching a fuzzy little baby farm animal go rabid or something.
 
Thank God, out last boring pro segment. Derek is from Utah. He has four sisters. He loved mud puddles. His sisters dressed him up and slapped lipstick on him, which didn’t cause permanent emotional damage to the best of our knowledge. His parents forced him to take dancing classes, but he loved it. When he was a teenager, the best way to punish him was to take away his hair gel.
 
The next couple in the finals is… Nicole and Derek. Well, duh.
 
And the last couple to make it to the finals is… going to be revealed after a commercial break!
 
And after the judges talk about the final two couples. Carrie Ann says they had high hopes for Chad, then he let them down, but thank God, he’s finally recovered and doesn’t suck as much. Bruno says Erin has gotten better every week, and every week she’s an edge of your seat event, because sometimes she falls on her ass. Len says that in a normal season, both couples would be in the final, but this is the toughest season ever. So Erin and Chad are thinking, crap, I should have waited for next season.
 
The 100th eliminated couple is… Chad and Cheryl. At first Chad looks like he’s been punched, then he looks kind of relieved. He feels like he’s already won, because he got to dance with Cheryl and he got some great criticism, which only made him stronger. Cheryl says Chad is amazing and soft and gentle, and she says nothing about how nutso he seems to be. Chad says he’ll come back as a professional dancer next year. You go, crazy Chad. We’ll miss you.
 
 
Do you think Chad deserved to go? Who are you rooting for in the final? Do you think Evan has a chance to beat Nicole?