Who will be going home tonight!?!?

We'll find out after 58 minutes of garbage, starting off with a complete re-do of last night's 60s-themed group dance, and then lengthy recaps of every single performance. In case you need the summary: The group dance was lame, Ty and Lawrence are in serious trouble, while everyone else - unless the home voters show us some bizarre judgement - is looking good to make it to next week.

[Recap and results after the break...]

Before we find out, we get the week's horribly produced "the expert explains" segment, this time about dancing and how its actually a form of exercise! Some fun facts do arise though: Lil' Kim has lost 2 inches from her waist since she starting Dancing; Gilles approximately burns 12,000 calories every week; and Lawrence has lost 15 pounds. The doctor (who Tom tells us "coulda been surgeon general" - THEN WHY IS HE HERE?) gives us the revelatory secret to all of it: "Push yourself to the breaking limit, but not beyond."

Natasha Bedingfield's the first performer of the evening. She's a step up from last week's double-dose of Rascall Flatts, and Carmen Electra's dance that was choreographed by a Pussycat Doll, though whenever someone I don't hate performs on this show I find myself losing huge percentages of what respect I do have for them. Natasha's followed by some dance group called "Burn The Floor," who I'll admit do just that (Tom tells us: "Go see them on Broadway today!").

We get the names of the first three couples that are safe. I will be SHOCKED if Ty and Lawrence aren't the bottom two "stars." So far, my prediction is working out: Chuck & Julianne, Melissa & Tony, and Shawn & Mark are all safe.

Now I don't quite know what's going on, but two dancers I've never seen before are rehearsing for some sort of side-competition. We learn its to become one of the professional dancers. Has this ever been mentioned before? Did they decide this last week when they saw "American Idol" was kicking the results episodes' ass?

Anyway... here's Brent and Afton, a real-life couple, and they competing against each other to become the next Derek or Cheryl. The home voters solely choose who wins or loses. They're both really good, but I'd give my vote to Afton, though I was totally unprepared.

Wait, now we're getting more new dancers. I'm beginning to understand, and I don't like it. 8 episodes in and they are introducing a whole other competition-within-the-competition? I thought Tuesdays I'd basically just bitch about the tasteless entertainment value and tell you who won. Now I have to judge these "non-celebrity" performers? The next two are Anna and Mayo - who likes to tell us he grew riding horse and playing sports but also has a serious case of jazz hands - and Mayo is obviously the best dancer - and knows it. Now we have Snow and Genya (let me get this right: Snow and Mayo?), who put on a nice rumba, but I can be honest for a second here: I really don't care about this. Do a spinoff series if you need to, but throwing this into the results show with no warning 8 weeks into the show is a really lame.

Now its 9:50 and we're getting a performance from Celtic Woman?

Finally.. 58 minutes in (as predicted), we finally get the goods: And, as predicted, Lil' Kim & Derek, and Gilles & Cheryl are safe, and Lawrence & Edyta and Ty & Chelsie are the last couples standing.

And the loser is... Lawrence & Edyta. At least he lost those 15 pounds.

Did the right Star head home?

 

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