So, it’s nice to see Brooke all dressed up and not looking cranky in a videotaped deposition which has been endlessly run and re-run on the local ABC news. You would think that an ABC affiliate might not be so quick to make one of the network’s minor stars look like an irritable furniture thief, which is what the legal action against her and her boyfriend claims, but go figure. In any case, Brooke has more important things to worry about, namely an elimination episode of “DWTS.” As they say, the tediously drawn-out show must go on, so let’s just make like Brooke and get down to it, shall we?
 
[Full recap of Tuesday's (Oct. 12) "Dancing with the Stars" episode after the break...]
 
First off, the top three couples are plopped on the block – Brandy and Maks, Jennifer and Derek and Audrina and Tony. But good news, they’re all safe. Wow, if only the rest of this show was as quick and painless.
 
But no, this is “DWTS” and ABC is going to stretch out what could be a five minute blip to an excruciating hour, so brace yourselves. We get to find out what audience members thought of the new stage. And the show. And I care what these random people and a handful of pseudo celebrities think why? Sigh.
 
Len requests to see Jennifer and Derek’s routine again. It’s still sharp, but there are a few steps where Jennifer seems to be easing up on her foot. Which she probably should, because she has a neuroma and I’m guessing it hurts like hell. Hang in there, Jennifer, and that mirror ball trophy is likely yours.
 
The Goo Goo Dolls play a medley. “DWTS” is way into the medley thing, which I guess is the show’s way of cutting out any parts of a song that don’t lend themselves to dancing. Of course, the problem with these medleys is that by pairing a band’s big hit with new material, the newer song always suffers by comparison. But I’m guessing the Goo Goo Dolls are probably taking any national prime time television exposure they can get, as “Iris” was a hit in the 90s.
 
Next, it’s time for wacky hijinks and fun! Tom reminds Len that he’s appeared topless on the show before, so he shouldn’t be giving Mark a hard time for dancing without a shirt. How funny! Hahahahahaha! I feel for Tom Bergeron sometimes.
 
More results. Bristol and Mark and Kyle and Lacey. Kyle and Lacey are safe. And Bristol and Mark are… in jeopardy. This isn’t exactly a shock, as at some point the people voting for her to give a thumbs-up for abstinence or Sarah Palin or teen motherhood or whatever will eventually realize she looks really, really uncomfortable, especially with the sexy dances, and will let her go home.
 
Tom assures us that ABC news will cut in if there’s any news about the Chilean miners. To which I would say, well, I would hope so.
 
Next up, Kurt and Anna and Rick and Cheryl. Rick and Cheryl are safe, while Kurt and Anna are... in jeopardy. I do think the judges gave Kurt an unnecessarily hard time last night, but I don’t think he’s going home.
 
More timewasters! Len reveals how to get a ten paddle from him in a long, painful segment that forces the celebrities to act like naughty children in a classroom. Wow, so not funny. Anyway, Len wants magic if he’s going to give out a ten. Shocking.
 
Forever Tango performs as part of the Macy’s Stars of Dance or whatever the hell. Because the routine is shot mostly in awkward close-ups and the beginning of the dance is sluggishly slow, this is sort of like watching a tango-themed funeral.
 
Florence and the Machine perform an ACOUSTIC VERSION of “Dog Days Are Over.” Because it’s all about the acoustic. And dancing on circular stages. Not that these two things go together very well. The song is strangely flat when played on the harp (I’m not even making that up) and the more frantically the dancers whip their hair back and forth the weirder the whole thing seems. It’s like watching people go-go dance to hymns.
 
Florence and Corky and The Situation and Katrina are next on the block. Florence says everyone she spoke to loved her sexy dancing. Because those people were being nice and didn’t want to make Mrs. Brady cry. The Situation, however, is deeply upset about receiving fours and apparently tossed a hissy fit after the show. But that’s okay, because he’ll prove the judges wrong next week. Or not. Florence and Corky are safe, The Situation and Katrina not so much.
 
Then, we see a day in the life of a “DWTS” celebrity from their P.O.V. Which you know is crap, because it starts off in a house with a crappy kitchen and an outdated bathroom, so it’s more like the P.O.V. of a “DWTS” P.A., who was just excited by the chance to film something.
 
So, the three couples in jeopardy stand on the stage, looking nervous. The Situation flexes his man boobs, which is just as unappealing as it sounds.
 
The next couple safe is… Kurt and Anna. And the couple going home is… The Situation and Katrina. Even though he pitched a fit in the backstage interview, he’s all Zen about getting the boot in the exit chat, which is nice to see in a “Jersey Shore” star, who might reasonably be expected to pull Tom’s hair or start punching Carrie Ann in the face. Hopefully when he gets back to Jersey he won’t put his new skill deadlifting dancers to misuse.
 
Do you think The Situation deserved to go? Who do you think is next? And do you think these agonizing elimination episodes should be thirty minutes instead of an hour?