It’s time for another couple to go home, and considering how weird the judging was last night, I have no idea what to expect tonight. I can only hope neither Jennifer or Brandy get the boot, but at this point I’m beginning to think Bristol may just win the whole thing, even though she tends to stagger around the floor like a semi-tranquilized farm animal, at least in comparison to some of the stronger dancers. But hey, it’s about popularity, not talent, right?
[Full recap of Tuesday's (Oct. 26) "Dancing with the Stars" after the break...]
Anyway, first on the block are Bristol & Mark, Kurt & Anna and Jennifer & Derek. If I had to pick any couple from this bunch to be in jeopardy, it would be Bristol & Mark. But for whatever reason, Bristol is proving absolutely bulletproof. Is there some unwed teen mother voting block I didn’t know about?
The first couple safe is… Kurt and Anna. Also safe is… Bristol and Mark. And where does that leave Jennifer and Derek? In jeopardy. Seriously? Of these couples, Jennifer and Derek are the strongest by far. Of course, the judges practically caned her Singapore-style for wobbling at the end of her routine, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that voters took their direction.
Len requests to see a repeat performance from Bristol and Mark. Because it was so great? Egads. Bristol did turn in a better performance than usual, but the dance itself was about as exciting as watching senior citizens gum bananas.
Heart performs “Barracuda” and I don’t know where Nancy Wilson keeps her Dorian Gray picture or who her plastic surgeon is, but she looks amazing and she is not a kid. I mean, come on, “Barracuda” came out in 1977.
Next up, Kyle and Lacey and Rick and Cheryl take their places in the spotlight. And we relive their dances. In an unfortunate camera angle choice, Cheryl slaps Rick repeatedly on the hand to encourage him to get it, get it, get it, get it, but from said angle, it looks like she’s punching him in the crotch. But it’s okay, because Rick & Cheryl are safe. Kyle and Lacey, not so much.
Then, we hear from Bret Michaels, Alice Cooper and Dee Snider about what it means to be a rock star and who they’re rooting for. Because apparently they’re fans of the show. I kind of love this. I know Alice Cooper is a golfer so it’s not such a stretch for him to dig ballroom dancing, but I keep picturing him and Dee Snider having “DWTS” viewing parties and drinking mojitos while they call in for their favorite performances. And maybe give themselves jailhouse tattoos, just to man it up a little.
The kids of School of Rock perform with John Burroughs High School show choir and a dozen “amazing dancers.” Although you don’t see the School of Rock kids for more than a half second, I swear. Mostly, this just looks like a bunch of naughty schoolgirls looking for a stripper pole with the occasional guy dancer thrown in to throw off the censors. I would have preferred another song from Heart.
Kylie Minogue performs “Get Outta My Way,” and I know she’s a brave cancer survivor and has amazing legs, but this is the first time when I’ve thought, hmmm, maybe she should wear something age appropriate. Because girlfriend, she ain’t looking so young and fresh these days, and right now she’s looking like she could be a real housewife of somewhere or other. She’s just a hoochie outfit and chirpy dance song away from either being Madonna or looking like she’s trying too hard. Which, I guess, are the same thing.
Ah, that wacky Brooke. She asks Audrina about how it feels to be seen by the judges as a big ol’ slab of plastic. Audrina smiles brightly and says it’s hurtful, which doesn’t really make her case. Then Brooke asks Brandy if melting down is helpful to her. Brandy says she’s just excited to learn. Um, okay.
On the block are Audrina & Tony and Brandy & Maks. Watching Brandy getting way too emotional during judging, I’m starting to worry that the former Moesha might lose her mind if she doesn’t win “DWTS” and will run around the set stabbing everyone and then herself. Which would make for the most memorable season ever, but probably the last one.
Hey, the plastic has melted! Audrina actually cries as Tony tries to encourage her after Len scolded her for being too fake and shiny. But, even as she cries, she’s still smiling. Oh, Audrina.
Tom has a chat with season six winner Kristi Yamaguchi. She’s going to be a team captain and she’ll be facing off against team captain Apolo Ohno. Not sure I completely understand how the team thing and the fifty returning stars are going to work, but I guess we’ll find out next week.
We get a montage of the celebrities complaining about how tired they are and how hard they’re working. Really? Shut up, celebrities. World’s tiniest violin playing for your privileged butts. Oh, and Brandy says she doesn’t think anyone wants to make the final as badly as she does. We know, Brandy, we know. Seriously, she is worrying me. I’m starting to feel like I have to vote for her so she doesn’t commit seppuku on national television.
The next couple safe is… Brandy and Maks. Audrina and Tony are still in jeopardy. So, Audrina smiles. This girl should do pageants.
Down to the bottom three, none of whom I felt were really the worst of the evening, as I’d save that distinction for Rick and maybe Bristol. Kyle and Lacey are… safe. I’m thinking it’s Audrina and Tony.
Time to listen to the judges. Bruno can’t believe Audrina is in the bottom two. He’s very surprised. Bruno is being far too emotional about this. Carrie Ann says it would hurt if Jennifer and Derek went home. Maybe she should have thought of that before she gave them a six. Len thinks it’s ludicrous that either of these couple are ever going home and sees no justice in this. Len seems very upset. Poor Len.
And the verdict is in -- Audrina and Tony are going home. She doesn’t blink and is gracious in her defeat. Although I have to agree with the judges that Audrina had a soulless Barbie quality to her, I’m still a little sad to see her go on the off chance she ever managed to break out of her casing and find a personality. But hey, at least we know she’ll keep smiling. Unlike Brandy, who will take some people out if she doesn’t win.
Do you think Audrina deserved to go? Who do you think is going to win? And do you think Kylie is trying too hard?