Chad Ochocinco during his Monday performance on 'Dancing with the Stars'
Boo, hiss, it’s elimination Tuesday. It’s time for yet another celebrity to set aside his or her bedazzled spandex costumes and slink out the door. Elimination Tuesdays are generally just a bad scene. Sometimes there’s crying and it’s always uncomfortable and a little sad, like seeing your parents doing it on the sofa or breaking your ankle on the first day of a two week ski trip. Of course, if a reality dance show really bums you out, that’s depressing in and of itself, so let’s just move on, shall we?
[Full recap of Tuesday's (May 11) "Dancing with the Stars" results after the break...]
First off, Len has to give us his recap, which is apparently for all the early onset Alzheimer’s patients in the audience who can’t remember yesterday or where they live. He makes one fabulously cutting comment, however: “In this competition, there are pretenders and contenders, and for me, Chad and Niecy are the pretenders.” Ooh, burn!
As usual, the judges have to pretend to pick a dance to see again, and this time it’s the 1950s paso doble by Derek and Nicole. As expected, it’s just as fabulous the second time around. The audience gives them a standing ovation. The judges give them a standing ovation. Oh hell, just name them the winners already.
After a commercial break, Tom Bergeron reveals that tonight we’ll see the show’s first college dancing championship or some such crap featuring dancers from Purdue and UC San Diego. Could I care less? Possibly, but it will require some effort. But I love that the audience is full of school boosters wearing their school colors and shaking pom-poms. Because you know they’re all big supporters back on campus and they’re really not there just because it was a chance for a drunken road trip to Los Angeles and an opportunity to be on TV.
Then, we have to listen to a crappy song by the Gypsy Kings from “Toy Story 3.” I just want to tell the lead singer to clear his damn throat and not sound like he’s been sucking on a tailpipe. Really, I’d rather listen to Leonard Cohen when he has a sinus infection. We are distracted by the pure crapness of the song by lots of dancing. But seriously, this is an intensely lame version of what was a pretty good Randy Newman original, which you have to expect Disney. Maybe they should have requested something fresh from one of the mariachi bands walking around Epcot instead.
It’s time for a time suck! Yay! It’s a parody of Sports Center. Called Dance Center. Oh, and the first funny is making fun of Niecy’s weight. That’s nice. Jerry Rice leers and shows off his Superbowl rings. And wears a Carol Channing wig. Stop me, I’m rolling on the floor, laughing. Or not. This is like an awkward high school production put on by the A/V team that amuses the hell out of them and makes the rest of the school want to hang themselves.
But the segment is educational. What we learn about Nicole is she likes to stick her hands under her armpits and sniff them, which is from that irritating Molly Shannon/ “SNL” routine, and it’s not any cuter when Nicole and Derek do it. Also, they grossly spit gum back and forth into one another’s mouths. This wins, hands down, for the single most disgusting thing I’ve seen on television since they found that liquidized guy on “CSI” a few seasons back.
And now, twenty minutes in, we actually get some freakin’ RESULTS. The first couple that’s definitely going into the semi-finals is... Nicole and Derek. Knock me over with a feather. The first couple in the bottom two is... Chad and Cheryl. Again, not exactly shocked.
Oh, yeah, time for the college dance championship/time suck. UC San Diego’s dance team is tackling the samba. I’ve seen less wobbling in a Jell-O salad. These guys make both Niecy and Chad look good, honestly. But Len liked the pattern changes, Bruno didn’t think the lines were great and Carrie Ann felt it was too Evan-like. Their score: 24, straight 8s. I guess the judges didn’t want to make them feel too bad, given that they probably had to sit in traffic for a while to get to the taping.
Next up, Purdue, dancing the mambo. I love how the British announcer makes every dance sound like an exotic fruit. This seemed a little sharper than UC San Diego to me, but then again, what else do you have to do in Indiana other than dance? Bruno thinks they were definitely shaking it out there. Carrie Ann liked the spirit but wanted to see more pattern changes. Len liked it. Score: 22. Color me mildly surprised. But only mildly, because I’m already bored. Can we get back to the point of this show, please?
Oh no, we can’t. It’s time for another song by the Gypsy Kings. Hey, they play this song on an endless loop at my favorite Mexican restaurant, no joke, so now I want a chicken pasilla plate with mango salsa. Thanks, ABC.
And more time suck – another installment of the sadly unfunny Dance Center. Evan is the next target. They swoon over his perfect black hair and compare him to Justin Bieber. And then make fun of him for being boring. Her ESPN co-workers criticize Erin for not realizing Maks is Ukrainian, not Russian. Oh, and they declare Niecy the winner. I have to say, I love those Sports Center ads. They’re funny. But this is just painful.
Oh, hey, results! The next couple in the semi-finals is... Evan and Anna. No surprise there. And the next couple in the bottom two is... a commercial! Aaaargh! Even the audience boos. Okay, so, the next couple in the semi-finals is... Erin and Maks! So Niecy and Louis are in the bottom two.
Now, the moment of truth, according to Tom Bergeron. Leaving RIGHT NOW is...Niecy and Louis. Waaah. I have to say, Niecy wasn’t exactly great, but she was a hell of a lot more fun than Chad, the moody schizophrenic. Niecy practically grabs the mic away from Brooke and starts talking about C-sections and hula-hooping with Cheerios and there are no tears but just smiles, which is very Niecy. Then Tom admits to being a fan of “Reno 911” and even the clip memorial is surprisingly upbeat. Finally, Niecy asks for music she can krump to, which just makes me miss her already.
Do you think Niecy deserved to go home? Do you give a crap about the college dance championships? And do you think this show should really be a half-hour?