It’s time for the tediously drawn-out results episode of “Dancing with the Stars”! Yay! Not that viewers seem to care as much now that Kate Gosselin, the freakishly untalented baby machine, has been kicked off the show – last night’s episode scored the lowest ratings of the season. I will admit, I do miss Kate’s presence on the show, only because watching her clomp around the stage made me feel pretty darn good about myself

 

[Full recap of Tuesday's (April 27) "Dancing with the Stars" results...]

The first couple safe is… Erin and Maks. Go figure, wearing a purple feather duster and pasties will not get you voted off this show!

Now, it’s time for cranky Len’s rundown of last night, because all of us have early onset Alzheimer’s and can’t remember, um, Monday. Or, you know, they have to fill up an hour. Len has to make a stupid pun about Evan falling from heaven, because it wasn’t enough that Evan got his head cracked open this week and fell to the middle of the pack, he needs grade school taunts thrown at him, too. Next, Niecy slaps an arm around Len’s shoulder and practically challenges him to say something crappy about her, but she doesn’t really need to, because he liked the cookie dance. Remember, no props unless they’re bakery items! Erin wants Maks to keep his clothes on because Len hates male nakedness. Or Len was having an episode of male menopause or something, I don’t know. It could happen.

The couple that has to perform yet again in the sweaty, possibly stinky clothes they wore last night is…  Chad and Cheryl! What an honor, getting to recreate a dance with absolutely no incentive to improve your score and yet with the added appeal of getting a giant whiff of your partner’s old flop sweat with every spin. Yay!

The newly single Melissa Etheridge is performing the title track from her new album, “Fearless Love.”  Which sounds like every other Melissa Etheridge song I’ve ever heard. Can I just say that, once menopausal spread has set in, leather jeans are not a smart fashion choice? We know you’re a lifelong rocker, Melissa, but the truth is, you look kind of like a middle-aged soccer mom who’s trying too hard.  Glad you’re cancer free and out and proud and all that, but honey, consider a stylist.  If you can afford to keep getting women pregnant, you can spring for someone to dress you.

Another couple is safe… and it’s Chad and Cheryl. Even though I didn’t love Chad’s dance as much as the judges did, I think he’s definitely improving. Plus, he seems like the one contestant left who has the capacity to do something either really crazy or really stupid, and that’s just plain good television if you ask me.

Next up, we have the Spanish prince of the guitar or some such crap inflicted upon us. Benise is very talented for a guy who looks like he might be homeless and possible smell bad, but I just feel like I’m in a Spanish elevator or something. Did you know Benise was born in Nebraska? You say you don’t care? Me neither!

Oh goody, we’re going to get a sports science breakdown of Edyta and Demetri’s dance moves. Is this supposed to be educational? Or is it just supposed to put me to sleep before I can reach for the remote? Did you know Edyta spins faster than Lance Armstrong pedals? Wow, I so did not give a crap! The scientific conclusion of this pointless exercise is that yes, dancers are world class athletes. No kidding. Please inform me that milk is, indeed, white, the world is round and Jamie Oliver is not going to cure childhood obesity with a TV show, and I’ll be impressed.

Melissa Etheridge comes back with “Come to My Window.” No costume change for the divine Miss E. Because she’s a rock and roller, people.  And once you start to sweat in leather jeans, it’s like that episode of “Friends” where Ross had to hide in the bathroom with his pants around his ankles. Just saying.

What I like about these musical interludes is the professional dancers hit the floor to dance with one another, and they just look so happy, as if they’ve been freed from solitary confinement or really restrictive diets. Actually being able to dance without the hundred-odd pounds of dead weight known as a C-list celebrity weighing them down and stomping on their toes is clearly just a treat for them.

I’ve got to say, I’m getting right sick of Brooke Burns. Girly, this is “DWTS,” not “20/20.”  Anderson Cooper is not your co-pilot. You seem to be having as much fun backstage as Ricky Martin at a girls’ slumber party. Just loosen up a little, girlfriend. Anyway, she asks Maks if he’ll keep his clothes on in a tone very similar to Barbra Walters asking Katharine Hepburn what kind of tree she’d be. Maks says he’ll keep his clothes on. This is hard-hitting news, people! Brooke asks Chad what it’s like to get love from the judges. He likes it. Wow.

Tom calls Nicole and Derek and Jake and Chelsea forward. The next couple safe is… Nicole and Derek. Shocking. Jake and Chelsea will have to wait to hear their fate. Backstage, Brooke asks Jake if he feels nervous. He does, but he hopes Texas will save him. Texas is kind of known for being a hang ‘em high state, Jake, wouldn’t put my money on it. Brooke asks Evan if he’s nervous. He’s hopeful, and then I fall asleep because Evan is such a little dear but so friggin’ boring my brain is starting to feel numb. Brooke asks Niecy if the family atmosphere of earlier in the season is gone. Niecy says they’re still a big, happy family, because everyone loves one another to lie about how much they suck. I love Niecy. Brooke asks Pam if she’s looking forward to the samba. Yes, yes she is. Dear God, how much longer can this tedium go on?

Oh yay, a package about how much everyone wants to win. Guess what? Everyone wants to win! And they’re working hard. Oh ma God, I’m ready to peel my damn face off. Everyone always thinks they’re going home. Whatever. If I wanted to watch crap like this, I’d watch ESPN. And trust me, I do not watch ESPN, at least not voluntarily.

Okay, back to business. Another couple who is safe is…Pamela and Damian. Huh, that’s kind of a surprise, given how she’s been circling the drain in the voting for a few weeks now. I guess that brunette wig was a good investment.

The big reveal. Duh, duh, DUH. It’s down to Evan and Anna, Jake and Chelsea and Niecy and Louis. I’m not really eager to see anyone go in this group, honestly. Last night, they all showed improvement, though my least favorite was probably Jake and Chelsea. The first couple in the bottom two is… Jake and Chelsea. Evan and Anna are… safe. So, it’s Niecy and Louis. How could she be in the bottom with the cookie dance? Come on! Really, this show needs all the comic relief it can get now that Kate’s gone.

If Niecy goes, Len will miss her bubbly personality and, possibly, her bazookas. If Jake goes, he’ll miss his enthusiasm. Since neither Niecy or Jake are great dancers, I vote for Jake to go. He’s gone about as far as any reality show star should go, if you ask me.

And the next couple to go is…  Jake and Chelsea. Jake gives an Oscar speech for his exit, and I think he’s a little weepy. He loves everyone, and he loves Canada and Texas and Mavericks and whoever the hell voted for him, and he thanks Chelsea, and then he gets really choked up. And he tells her he loves her, then quickly thanks her for being so nice to his fiancée. Smart, Jake, very smart. Jake seems like a perfectly decent guy. He also seems about as interesting as malted milk. So, buh-bye Jake.

So, do you think Jake deserved to go? Did you like Melissa Etheridge’s leather pants? Do you hate the fact that this show takes an hour when it could really take ten minutes?