Oh yay, it’s elimination time. This is depressing for several reasons, not the least of which is that this is an hour of our lives we can never get back, although I guess that matters less if you’re like the morbidly obese guy who sat on his sofa for so long he grew into it and had to be removed by medical professionals. I’m guessing TV was kind of it for him. On the bright side, we can all be happy we’re not him, even if the Tuesday episodes of “DWTS” may make us feel a little like him. Thanks, ABC?
 
[Full recap of Tuesday's (April 12) "Dancing with the Stars" after the break...]
 
Anyway, let’s just get right to it. First on the block are the top three scorers of last night. Ralph and Karina, Hines and Kim and Chelsea and Mark. I can’t imagine any of these guys going home, especially not Chelsea and Mark. Not only did they get the highest scores of the evening, they’re just adorable.
 
So what does that mean? Chelsea and Mark are in jeopardy! I somehow doubt this is really the case, as ABC needs to create drama more than they need to hew to the actual facts, but I digress. Poor little Chelsea and Mark do their Hogwarts dance, even though Len makes sad faces and there’s an air of plucky resignation in their performance.
 
Now that the audience is sunk into despair thinking that the best performers of the evening may, in fact, be sent packing (don’t worry, won’t happen), we lighten the mood with something COMPLETELY stupid. Yay, a dumb segment that isn’t funny! Lieutenant Len tells off the dancers and makes Hines Ward do push-ups. He tells them they must be brave and he gets bleeped and oh ma GOD this won’t end, will it? Romeo roars. Chelsea doesn’t know what tenacity is. This makes “SNL” look not only funny but tightly edited.  
 
Jennifer Hudson sings “I Remember Me’ in a tiny purple dress. This is actually a good song for ballroom dancing, which is a rarity for “DWTS,” a show that seems cursed to have musical guests who sing rhythmless emo crap or are, say, Chris Brown, who doesn’t need no stinkin’ ballroom dancers. Anger management classes and a Paxil prescription, maybe, but not ballroom dancers.
 
Oh joy, Brooke is backstage asking questions in that pleasant robotic manner of hers. Brooke asks Romeo how he’s going to prove he’s a contender. He’s going to do a lot of research! Romeo is a college student! What? Are you going to do the boogie-woogie of post-Hiroshima Japanese literature or something? But Brooke doesn’t question Romeo’s weird answer and just robotically proceeds to the next question. How is foreign-born Petra going to master the all-American quickstep? Um, by practicing? Petra being Petra, she doesn’t slap Brooke upside the head for such a stupid question and instead thanks the very nice American audience for their support. I’m starting to hope Petra has a split personality or a painkiller addiction, because she’s so insanely nice she makes Mother Teresa look like a mean little apple granny.
 
Will Brooke just stop with the inquisition? Maybe there’s a key in her back or a touch pad that can be used to deactivate her. Anyway, she moves on to Chris. Chris wishes his score was better, and he wishes the economy was better, too. Um, okay. Chris and Romeo have apparently gone to the batcrap crazy school of media training.
 
Is it me, or does Cheryl seem totally bored by Chris? I guess after Chad Ochochinco, everything’s downhill in the crazy/exciting/probably infected with all manner of STDs partner department.
 
Chris and Cheryl are safe. Also safe? Romeo and Chelsie. What about Petra and Dmitry? They’re still in jeopardy! No! I think somewhere in the world a tiny talking sparrow just died.
 
Brooke talks with the crappiest three couples backstage. Again, it’s time to ask Kirstie what is going on with her CRAZY bad luck! Yes, she lost a shoe and she nearly crushed her partner. It’s clearly a curse, probably one dating back to the Dark Ages or a decade when Kirstie was still hot. Kendra blames her crap performance on hormones. Yeah, that’s it. Hormones have often frozen my face into a Barbie-doll mask and made me hate classical music. Oh, wait, they haven’t.
 
The pros explain how they keep things fresh. It’s so hard! They have to reinvent the wheel! They have to have inspiration! They watch movies and go to Argentina! What hell! My heart weeps for these unsung heroes of national television. I must go rend a copy of “Life & Style” to show my compassion for their collective plight.
 
Ah, something that doesn’t make me want to shoot myself in the eye! A breathtaking piece from “Swan Lake” with lots of famous ballet dancers. White swan! Black swan! It’s just like the movie, except with less violence and mental illness! While I do realize that “DWTS” wants to celebrate dance, and this is surely a great way to do it, they must realize that excellent performances by professionals only succeed in making the celebrities look like clubfooted dancing monkeys.
 
Jennifer Hudson gives the 46-piece orchestra a proper send-off with “Feeling Good.” This is actually a pretty darn good use of that orchestra. It ain’t Nina Simone, but it’s still pretty awesome.
 
We take a look at the lowest-ranked dancers. Kirstie can’t stop talking about HER SHOE. IT FELL OFF! IT’S A SHOE AND IT FELL OFF! HER FOOT! IT’S A PLOT AGAINST KIRSTIE AND WE MUST FIND AND KILL THE INFIDELS BEHIND IT! I say it’s time to find Jenny Craig and see where she’s been for the last 48 hours. Anyway, moving on. Louis tells Kendra she embarrassed him by saying she didn’t care about elegance. Kendra cries. Kendra loves elegance! She wants to be elegant! She’s so totally going to stop swearing and cackling like a mentally unbalanced donkey in front of television cameras! Soon!
 
The next couple safe is… Kirstie and Maks. Also safe is… Kendra and Louis? Really? Poor Sugar Ray and Anna are in jeopardy. Backstage, I bet Anna is going to kick Kendra’s ass because she’s mean and she can.
 
FINALLY we get to the final three. The next couple safe is… Petra and Dmitry. It is the moment of truth! The eliminated couple is… Sugar Ray and Anna. This sucks because he was getting better. And he’s just so nice. While Kendra is a big, blonde bag of hair. Actually, I think the bag of hair might be more interesting. She’s a sweet girl, I’m sure, but I still can’t quite understand why she isn’t working a fast food cash register somewhere.    
 
Sugar Ray takes the bad news like a champ, of course, and Anna seems more disappointed than he does. Of course, no one ever really loses their mind when they’re dismissed by “DWTS” because I’m fairly sure they’ve all been instructed by their agents and managers not to make fools of themselves because this is, after all, a dance popularity contest and if they want to have a tantrum they might as well go on “Celebrity Apprentice” and be done with it. But I have my fingers crossed that someone will toss themselves on the floor and throw a hissy fit, screaming like a wildebeest in heat as security drags his or her limp body off stage. Kendra, I’m counting on you.
 
Do you think it was time for Sugar Ray to go? Do you really think Chelsea was in the bottom? Who do you want to see get the boot next?