You know what must really suck about being on “DWTS”? Having to wear your sweaty, nasty and possibly smelly costume from the night before for the results show. But hopefully that’s an indignity that Kate Gosselin won’t have to tolerate much longer, though part of me almost wishes she could stay in the competition in some newly created category, like “Just for Laughs” or “Aren’t You Glad You’re Not this Awkward?” because watching her stumble around the floor in a pink tablecloth was one of the best laughs I’ve had all week, and that’s got to be worth something.
[Full recap of Tuesday's (April 20) "Dancing with the Stars" results after the break...]
First off, Nicole and Derek and Kate and Tony are called to the front. Nicole and Derek are safe. But Kate and Tony are… IN THE BOTTOM TWO! Well, that’s a small miracle, isn’t it? Even though part of me wants Kate to stick around like that guy at the party no one invited and no one really likes but after a few drinks has absolutely no problem stripping naked and leading the party in a rousing rendition of “Afternoon Delight,” it’s good to see that the Kate-is-great voting block isn’t quite as all powerful as it seemed.
In case we were all unaware that Kate is the most reviled contestant ever to appear on “DWTS,” Tom Bergeron says, “Will your votes send them home or will it be another favorite couple?” which, to me, implies that Kate and Tony are not a favorite couple, except in a very, very sad/funny way.
Time for filler from the judges! Of Erin, Len says he was expecting Erin’s jive to be “Nightmare on Elm Street.” Really, Len? What did Erin ever do to you? Then he declares Pam, Erin and Jake the best of the worst and the worst of the best. But at least they don’t suck as much as Niecy and Chad. But if Kate’s routine was a movie, he would have walked out. Oh, and he loves Evan and Nicole. Duh. Really, was this necessary? We know what Len thought of last night’s dances because… he said that LAST NIGHT. Really, I know ABC wants ratings at any cost, but this show should never be more than a half-hour.
The judges ask to see Jake and Chelsea perform again, because Bruno likes to see men without pants. Which sounds like a band from the 80s, but unfortunately, isn’t.
Maxwell performs “Fistful of Tears.” This is a number one hit, which really is just further proof that the bottom has fallen out of the music industry, because this is not a great song. And fistful of dollars, I get that, but fistful of tears? Not so much. That’s just a damp fist. Stupid title, stupid song. But I liked Maxwell’s suit.
Next, Chad and Cheryl and Niecy and Louis are called to the front. Chad and Cheryl are “in jeopardy.” But Niecy and Louis are safe. Chad’s little face looks sooo sad, more like a lost kitten than a Bengal.
Backstage, Brooke asks Kate and Chad obvious questions about their rankings. Kate says she’s having fun and isn’t completely surprised that she’s in the bottom two, which is a shock because I thought she might find a sextuplet to raise above her head, “Lion King” style, screaming “Don’t you take food from my babies, bitches!” but no. Chad, on the other hand, is “nuke mad,” and Tom quickly points out that Bruno looked nervous about this, which he probably should, as I think Chad could take him out with a flick of his index finger.
Adam Carolla does his segment, Between the Mirrorballs. Which is mostly unfunny, which about sums up how I feel about Adam Carolla. Let’s move on.
Then, we get some Stars of Dance tributes to classic movies which somehow involves Debbie Allen. First, Fred Astaire is saluted, then we get some “Saturday Night Fever” disco, a touch of “Austin Powers” (which features a one-time back-up dancer for Madonna whom I went to college with, go Kevin!) and finally, Debbie Allen’s “Fame” routine, which is not as exciting as I expected it to be.
Then, Debi Nova sings, which would be more interesting to me if I were Costa Rican, I’m sure, but she just strikes me as Shakira Lite. I would like to suggest to Debi that if she wants to wear such a short dress, she not attempt dance moves which involve squatting and shaking her pelvis, as her underwear didn’t look so hot. I got the impression granny panties were going on, no joke.
And the filler continues! The celebrities are invited to design their partners’ outfits for next week. Kate, Niecy and Nicole seem driven to humiliate their partners with ugly, hypersexualized costumes, Chad is already planning his first couture line, and Pam, Evan and Jake seem to be taking this seriously, though I’m not sure why, honestly, as I’m guessing the costume designer will nod, smile, then do exactly what he wants to do anyway.
Evan and Anna and Jake and Chelsea are called forward. Evan and Anna are safe. Jake and Chelsea are…still in jeopardy.
Backstage, Brooke asks Nicole if this contest is easy for her. Um, what do you expect her to say? Yeah, I’m a professional dancer, this is a cakewalk? Nicole says she’s just lucky to have a great partner. Yes, that’s it. Which, if you think about it, implies Tony is a very, very sucky partner.
Then, Erin and Maks and Pamela and Damian are called down. Erin and Maks are safe, while Pamela and Damian are in jeopardy. God, this process is just Chinese water torture, if Chinese water torture didn’t involve water but just boredom and delayed gratification.
Oh yay, time to watch some of last night’s performances. Again. Why don’t they just run forty minutes of commercials, you know? I might need some Cialis or drain cleaner or whatever.
Okay, now we will know who joins Kate and Tony in the bottom two. Jake and Chelsea are safe. Chad and Cheryl are safe. So, Pamela and Damian are in the bottom two. I find it hard to believe that the guy who hands out roses on a dating show is getting more votes than Pamela Anderson.
Time for the judges to say nice things about the bottom two couples, no matter how hard that might be. Carrie Ann admires Kate for her determination. Bruno loves Pamela’s dancing and her acting and he’s kinda pissed America didn’t vote for her. Len looks forward to watching them both dance, so he’ll be disappointed whoever goes home.
The couple leaving is… Kate and Tony. I’m almost surprised (I said almost, mind you). Kate doesn’t even flinch. Oh, wait. Brooke asks her a question, and she can’t answer because she’s choked up. Tony says she gave it her best and he admires her, and everyone in the audience is wearing their sad faces, and oh ma God, people, do we not remember how BAD she was? Stop it!
Kate admits she knew in her gut she was going home, because her gut is always right and she loves everyone. And she thanks the voters for believing in her more than she believed in herself. Then, it’s time for a group hug. You would think Kate had ovarian cancer or something, because everyone seems JUST SO DEVASTATED she’s going home. Of course, you do have to feel bad for her on some level, because she’s going home to a house full of eight screaming kids, and egads, I think I’d rather be shot in the foot than endure that.
Though I will admit – I’m a little sad to see Kate go home. What am I saying? Aaargh!
Were you surprised to see Kate get voted off? Who do you think will be next? And do you wish results shows were just a little shorter?