Ralph Macchio of 'Dancing with the Stars'
It’s elimination night! With an hour of other stuff in front of it to fill out the ABC schedule, but let’s just concern ourselves with the important part. Although we do learn who the judges see as contenders right before the hour break, which is worth noting. Bruno declares that in his mind there are two dark horses, and one is Kendra Wilkinson. If only she had more confidence! I really don’t think confidence is Kendra’s only problem. No BLEEPING elegance might be the bigger issue. But I digress. Bruno’s other dark horse is Ralph Macchio, who needs to stoke his fire to master Latin dances. Bruno and his fiery crotch comments! I swear the guy has an infection that needs clearing up or something. Carrie Ann says Hines Ward is best from a technical perspective but she also likes Kirstie Alley. And Len doesn’t get to answer the question, as Carrie Ann and Bruno babbled on too long.
Full recap of Tuesday's (April 26) "Dancing with the Stars" results after the break...
So, time for a performance by New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys. Or NKOTBBSB. Phew, that’s a whole lotta letters! And just as you’d imagine when you combine boy bands, there’s an overwhelming number of almost or completely middle-aged former heartthrobs singing and busting choreographed dance moves. I will say they are all spectacularly well preserved, though I’m a little torn about the B-Boy footwear and wallet chains, which might be pushing them a tad into trying too hard territory. But no one’s wearing Ed Hardy, so I guess it’s alright.
Oh, hey, back to the elimination stuff! First on the block, the two couples at the top of the leader board: Chelsea Kane & Mark Ballas and Romeo & Chelsie Hightower. We learn some exciting stuff before we get results. Mark really, really hurt his ankle. Chelsie needed to pee before her performance and wasn’t allowed to. Romeo was so excited about getting a ten he started stripping. I’m not sure I needed to know any of this, but okay.
The first couple definitely safe is… Romeo & Chelsie. Chelsea & Mark… are also safe. Phew!
Len requests a second performance of Kendra and Louis van Amstel’s samba, as it was more effective for him than a little blue pill and had no side efffects. Is it me or is this performance MARKEDLY better than last night’s? Kendra definitely doesn’t look as panicked, that’s for sure.
Backstage, Brooke asks obvious questions. Ralph is so proud! His partner Karina Smirnoff is so sad! What exactly is Ralph dressed as, by the way? Is he a cross dressing band leader? A crazy Cossack? I know, the coat gives him some bull fighter flair, but it’s just weird.
Kirstie Alley & Maks Chmerkosvskiy and Hines & Kym Johnson are next. Hines is sad that he didn’t get a ten and makes a pouty face. Kirstie didn’t smile enough, according to Maks. I think our celebrities are much too worried about winning a mirror ball trophy. The next couple safe is… Hines & Kym. Kirstie & Maks are… also safe! Is anyone going home this week? There are only three couples left as well as a whooooole lotta show. Egads, that means an abundance of filler awaits.
Yay, interviews with the “DWTS
” Troupe! This is not interesting! Dancing is really hard! But it’s really fun! Camera blocking is challenging! Zzzzzzzz… huh, what, wait, is this still on? Really, I’d rather watch interviews with auto mechanics or manicurists, because then I might learn something useful.
Anyway, it’s time for the Macy’s Stars of Dance routine featuring Christopher Scott. It was inspired by the Royal Wedding. Of course! When I think Prince William, I think kids breakdancing to Motown on Astroturf! And is the wedding scene supposed to show us the little kids all grown up? Because the little kids grew up to be white, and that’s some trick. Oh, wait, there are also old people dancing. This is starting to feel like a commercial for something that cures psoriasis or urinary leakage. Oh, now the old people go behind the tree, which in dance language means they die. This is wholly depressing. I hope someone puts it on a DVD to give to William and Kate. They’ll be so pleased.
Brooke informs us that the couples will be devastated if they go home now. Disappointed, sure, but devastated? As far as I know, “DWTS” doesn’t kill anyone or stitch the losers into a human centipede, so I think Brooke’s overstating it a bit. The stars tell us how rough it is to do the show! It’s exhausting! They work so hard! Is this as hellish as working the fryer at McDonald’s for $7 an hour? No, it is not! Shut up, celebrities!
NKOTBBSB returns. Oh boy, it’s a medley of their hits! They’re wearing hats and suits! This is the serious, grown-up part of the show, I guess. I do kind of love that they’re doing their old choreography, though. Watching this, I just wonder if they blew through their money the first time around or if they all just needed an infusion of grown-up women screaming and acting like rabid teenagers in their collective presence.
Pia Toscano performs “I’ll Stand by You” with Mark and Karina. If we weren’t entirely sure that Pia is dating Mark, Karina helpfully spells it out for us by pretending to be a third wheel and mugging for the camera. Tom won’t ask her if they’re dating, but he does ask if Mark’s a good kisser. Pia blinks and smiles woodenly. He is a wonderful person! Oh, Pia, you’re not Jennifer Lopez, give us a little something before we forget who you are.
Flashing back with the final three couples. Kendra had to shake her ass because it was Len’s birthday. Of course! He’d never be happy with a nice Hallmark card or a hug when he could get spangles and plastic boobs waved in his face. Chris feels like he let down Bruno and Carrie Ann. Karina is so, so, so sorry about falling. I really hope Ralph doesn’t go home because I’m afraid Karina will kill herself.
The next couple safe is… Kendra and Louis. Meh.
The couple going home is… Chris Jericho & Cheryl Burke.
Chris is relieved, as he has to go to the royal wedding. Ha, ha. Nice to see he’s written a little something for the moment. He hasn’t seen his kids in four weeks. It’s time for Chris Jericho the dancer to step aside so Chris Jericho the daddy can come back. Aw, that’s so sweet I gagged a little. But really, Chris seemed like a nice guy who may have lost his neck to an illicit substance at some point, so we wish him well. But Kendra and Ralph better start bringing their A games next week (or Ralph should at least leave his silly cape/coat costumes at home). This is getting tough.
Do you think Chris deserved to go home? Who do you think is the most likely to win? Do you think Kendra is really a dark horse or is Bruno off his nut?
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