It’s week two and the pressure is on. The first elimination is tomorrow, and judging from some of the performances last week there may be a few people who are secretly hoping to get the boot. Let’s face it – if you’re only occasionally employed, you have plenty of time to commit to dancing. But if you’re trying to dance AND hold down a regular job, I’m betting all this quickstep nonsense becomes a whole lot of  not fun in a hurry (Psycho Mike and Wendy Williams, I’m giving you an out here). But fingers crossed that tonight everyone brings their A game. Or at least their C+ game.

 
Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna Trebunskaya
Sugar Ray was slammed by the judges for his first dance, but this is his comeback fight. Or his rematch. Or something. I’d really like it if we could drop the sports lingo because it’s already annoying and we’re only in the second week of “DWTS.”
 
Oh, boy. Sugar Ray is dancing like thinks he’s going to break a hip.  I know he’s not a young whippersnapper or anything, but I have to say it’s surprising to see how awkward and timid he looks. There’s a lot of mugging, if you like that sort of thing, but it doesn’t really distract from the fact that he seems horribly stiff. Maybe if Anna let him punch her or gave him boxing gloves to wear he’d loosen up a little.
 
Len thinks he’s in jeopardy because the dance blew. He doesn’t say that exactly, but close enough. Bruno thought the feet lacked punch. Ha, punch! Except he’s talking about feet and not hands. Well, at least I could understand what he was saying. Carrie Ann thought his face was a ten but thought his feet were spastic.
 
Brooke asks Sugar Ray how he processes the judges’ comments. He had fun! It was great! Brooke, just go home. Seriously, you’re not adding anything here.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba – 6 Len Goodman – 5 Bruno Tonioli – 6 for a total of 17
 
 
Kendra Wilkinson and Louis van Amstel
Louis is trying to get rid of Kendra’s inner tomboy. The quickstep is all about being a lady and stuff. Wow, Kendra, you are so insightful! Being a lady “and stuff” is super stressful for her, though. She cries, because she feels like a boy. Kendra, I think you need to think before you speak and if that’s not possible, just don’t speak.
 
This is, not surprisingly, a bore to watch, though that doesn’t mean it’s bad. Kendra’s face looks frozen, but I think she always looks like that. She blows a dip, but overall her footwork is actually pretty solid.  
 
Bruno thinks she tried her best she was too tight. Carrie Ann thought she was good at choreography and she took a step forward in the elegance department. Len thought her posture was hit and miss and that her boobs scared Louis, but overall an excellent job.
 
Brooke asks why she cried during rehearsal. Because she is becoming a lady! Egads, they make it sound like she’s going through some traumatic coming of age ritual.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba – 7 Len Goodman – 6 Bruno Tonioli – 6 for a total of 19. I didn’t think this was that much better than Sugar Ray’s performance, but that’s just me.
 
 
Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas
Chelsea doesn’t want Mark to kick her in the face, though he says he’ll get her an ice pack if he does. How nice! Mark has choreographed a risky jive. I’m not sure this is a good thing, as Len doesn’t tend to like risky anything.
 
Ah, they’re dancing to Panic! at the Disco. Just curious as to how they’re going to clean up “I Write Sins Not Tragedies.” The poor groom’s bride is a BORE! Oh, that’s how you make a work for ABC! Anyway, on to the dancing. Although the costuming seemed like a direct rip-off of the video, I thought Chelsea did an exceptional job, but was it a jive? If Mark really didn’t want Chelsea to be at risk for going home, he should have given her a, oh, I don’t know, jive.
 
Carrie Ann thought the choreography wasn’t right for this time and space. Because, no, it wasn’t a jive. Len said it was too much messing around and Mark screwed her with the choreography. BECAUSE IT WASN’T A JIVE. Bruno liked how weird and wonderful it was. Even though it wasn’t a jive.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba – 6 Len Goodman – 5 Bruno Tonioli – 7 for a total of 18. Sorry, Mark, but you really screwed the pooch on this one. Backstage, Chelsea tells Brooke they had to take risks because they’re young. Um, okay. That and a quarter will get you a stick of gum, Chelsea. Mark says there was plenty of jive content. Mark, it would be easier to take your backtalk if you weren’t dressed like evil Bozo.
 
 
Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke
Chris is terrified of Cheryl. Really? Chris Jericho, please shut up. He’s the frame and she’s the picture, so basically, he’s going to make her look like a Monal Lisa in a plastic frame if he screws up. Okay, that’s a nice little analogy. Then he says he wants to be Gandor and a wizard and the 18th century and he’s just talking crazy.
 
He actually doesn’t look bad in this dance. Plus, he looks like he’s having fun. Who knew wrestlers were so light on their feet?
 
Len says his expectation was that Chris would be a lumbering lump but it was breezy and well done. Bruno likes a man who can respond to strict discipline, and he thought he became a gazelle. Carrie Ann loves her some Chris Jericho. Carrie Ann tends to get a little too fired up over the male dancers.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba – 8 Len Goodman – 7 Bruno Tonioli – 8 for a total of 23.
 
Backstage, Chris is smiling because the product in his hair is pulling his face back. That is way too much product, buddy.
 
 
Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Chaplin
Petra bounces adorably on a trampoline so that she won’t be afraid of being thrown around like a rag doll. Petra is having fun. I think it may be impossible to dislike Petra. I keep waiting for the little animated singing mice and birds to show up to help her make a dress.
 
Okay, in her performance she blows some steps and forgets her footwork here and there, but overall I’d say she did a good job. And she just seems so damn happy about it, I don’t see how the judges can even criticize her.
 
Bruno loves that she can turn into a floozy. Carrie Ann thinks her kicks and flicks were tight and sharp but wants her to work on her core. Len said it was a short skirt, long legs and bad technique but she did it beautifully. Wha? Oh, that was a compliment, I think Len got a little overly excited in the presence of a pretty girl.
 
Backstage, Petra tells Brooke she thinks the elimination episode is scary. She wants to have more fun and spread the joy. And then she grins and jumps up and down a little. Petra is a really, really happy person.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba – 6 Len Goodman – 6 Bruno Tonioli – 6 for a total of 18.
 
 
Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkosvskiy
Okay, all week long we’ve been hearing about how George Lopez called Kirstie a pig, and then we heard about Kirstie Alley pointing out via Twitter that he was kind of jerkish to take his wife’s kidney and then divorce her. And then I stopped caring to hear about any of it because both of them sounded pretty annoying and petty. So, let’s watch rehearsal.
 
Kirstie says the hard part of the quickstep is being quick enough. Kirstie needs to know that what she’s doing is hard for skinny girls, too. She can’t love her body no matter what weight she is! She has to make the finals to lose the last 40 pounds.
 
Although she seems to nail the steps pretty well, at least at the beginning, she doesn’t look as comfortable to me this week. There’s a stumble toward the end and she never really seems to get back on track. And then, at the end, she plants a big wet one on Maksim. Mwahahahaha!
 
Carrie Ann thinks she’s so in her element and thought it was fabulous. Len thought she lost energy toward the end, so it was good but not great. Bruno says she shouldn’t worry about the weight because she has talent, but she lost momentum.
 
Kirstie tells Brooke the kiss was spontaneous. Finally, a backstage interview that actually answers a question someone might actually have.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba – 7 Len Goodman – 6 Bruno Tonioli – 7 for a total of 20.
 
 
Psycho Mike Catherwood and Lacey Schwimmer
He wants to explode Len and Bruno’s faces with his fiery dance moves. But Mike is scared. Because he does not seem able to move without looking like he’s being electrocuted. Sorry, Psycho Mike, but you are about as graceful as a St. Bernard on roller skates.
 
Even though Psycho Mike worked his tail off, he still looks like a spastic puppet during the dance. That being said, this performance is much, much better than last week’s, which burned my eyes.
 
Len tells Mike it’s better than last week but it was scattered and messy. Bruno said some of his kicks and flicks were very good but he needs to maintain it. Carrie Ann felt he was inconsistent. The judges are very kind. Probably because they’re pretty sure Psycho Mike should be packing his bags.  
 
Carrie Ann Inaba – 6 Len Goodman – 5 Bruno Tonioli – 6 for a total of 17.
 
 
Romeo and Chelsea Hightower
Romeo wants this to be a sexy dance. I don’t think it’s possible for the quickstep to be sexy, unless maybe the people dancing it are naked and even then I have my doubts. Romeo makes Chelsea kiss his bicep. Chelsea needs to teach him how to be a gentleman on the dance floor.
 
Romeo’s kicks and flicks look a little rubbery, but his posture is mostly good. Actually, this is a pretty smooth dance. I still wouldn’t call it sexy, but it’s close enough.
 
Bruno says he’s the one to watch because he went into the different moods of the dance. Carrie Ann wants him to work on his posture. Len thought it was the best dance of the night.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba – 7 Len Goodman – 8 Bruno Tonioli – 8 for a total of 23.
 
Romeo tells Brooke he’s doing it for the kids. I really don’t care.
 
 
Wendy Williams and Tony Dovolani
Wendy knows she needs to bring the Wendy. Or whatever. Anyway, she feels the need to cover her boobs. I suspect bringing the Wendy may involve not covering her boobs.
 
She still seems oddly reserved in this dance. She’s better, yes, but the dance itself is a snooze. What was Tony thinking? Either he didn’t think Wendy was up to a challenge or he was just phoning this in. Still, an improvement over last week.
 
Carrie Ann was happy to see Wendy showing some sass but thought it got dull in the middle. Len thought it was an improvement. Bruno says it was good to see a little of who she really is.
 
Brooke asks for the story behind the dance. Wendy says she doesn’t appreciate Tony flirting with other girls, as they have five children and she does his laundry. I’m glad Wendy created a backstory but maybe she should have just spent more time actually dancing.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba – 6 Len Goodman – 5 Bruno Tonioli - 6 for a total of 17
 
 
Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff
Ralph is feeling pressure because he did so well the first week. And he’s the dad of two teenagers, so he doesn’t want to embarrass them. If they survived over a decade of “Karate Kid” jokes, I’m sure they’ll be fine.
 
Ralph seems like an awkward geek in rehearsal, and then on the dance floor he’s Mr. Slick. I don’t like this dance as much as last week’s, but it’s still fun to watch. Maybe not as sharp as it could be, but fun nonetheless.
 
Len thought it was okay and thought he overdid it. But he liked it. And then he swears at someone in the audience, I think, because it’s bleeped. Bruno thought he inhabited the character but he thought it wasn’t as precise as it could be. But he was fun to watch. Carrie Ann thought he danced well but says he needs to be sharper.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba – 7 Len Goodman – 7 Bruno Tonioli – 7 for a total of 21.
 
Brooke asks a stupid question. Ralph answers with the usual clichés. He’s tired. It was great to score so well the first time. Blah, blah, blah.
 
 
Hines Ward and Kym Johnson
Hines has had rotator cuff surgery, so he has weak shoulders. Not that he’s complaining. Kym doesn’t understand his slang. She is no longer allowed to say crunk. This is for the best.
 
He’s pretty light on his feet, although sometimes you can practically see him thinking, this is SO lame. But really, this is a gorgeous dance. Hines really could win this thing, I’m beginning to think.
 
Bruno thought he led with ease and confidence. Carrie Ann thinks he takes the title of Twinkle Toes. She loved it. Len thought his frame was terrific and he was very impressed.
 
Brooke can’t understand why they click, because they’re SO different! He avoids the question altogether and trots out some canned quotables about how he has a good teacher and they have great chemistry and zzzzzzzz, sorry, nodded off there. Do the dancers get a script of acceptable responses, because no one’s said anything even mildly interesting yet. Hines says his fellow Steelers have given him a lot of flack but they’re supportive. I wish he’d say, well, they pantsed me in the locker room, but one day I will have vengeance. That would be interesting.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba – 8 Len Goodman – 7 Bruno Tonioli – 8 for a total of 23.
 
So, a quick look at the leader board. Ralph and Karina are still at the top, and Psycho Mike and Lacey are still circling the drain. In short, not a lot of change. But tomorrow, Chris Brown performs. Maybe he’ll throw a chair and liven things up.
 
Do you think everyone improved? Have your changed your picks to win it? And what do you think about the George Lopez/Kirstie Alley bickerfest?