Tonight is the night of emotional dances. This seems like it would be fun, but really it’s just the Night of a Lot of Dances Dedicated to Dead People. Which is better than some of the other dances, which our self-absorbed celebrities have dedicated to themselves. Yeah, don’t you love Hollywood? Anyway, it’s a long night, so let’s get to it.

Just in case you care, the “DWTS” Troupe demonstrates the many dances of the evening. What I’ve learned from this that all of the dances look a lot better when professionals do them. Thanks, “DWTS” Troupe!

 
 
Wendy Williams and Tony Dovolani
 
First up, Wendy Williams chooses as her “emotional” dance a tribute to her rise in media. This sounds about as entertaining as the Hall of Presidents exhibit at Walt Disney World, which is only appealing because it’s air conditioned and you can sit in it. Wendy worked her ass off as a DJ. She would sleep at rest stops. Good for you, Wendy. The longer you’re on this show, the more I wish you’d just go back to radio. She wants to feel like a superhero in her dance, so she’ll be doing the foxtrot to “Last Night a DJ Saved My Life.”
 
You would think, as a DJ, she’d have a sense of musicality or rhythm. But no, this is like watching your garbage man empty cans into the back of his trunk. Her face seems happy, but her body seems like it would rather be taking a nap.
 
Len thought it lacked fluidity and was a dance more suited to the radio. Bruno agrees with Len. Carrie admires a strong woman but still thinks it sucked.
 
Carrie Ann: 5 Len: 5 Bruno: 5 for a total of 15. Wendy tells Tony he made a great choreograph. Nice! Wendy, go make “great exit” and pack a bag.
 
 
Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas
 
She picks the song “Chelsea,” which seems uncreative until she explains that it was written for her by her first boyfriend. The only problem is that she has to dance all sexy-like. Chelsea does not feel sexy. She’s worried that Mark is a better girl than she is. Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about that so much.
 
And, lo and behold, Chelsea brings the sexy. This is a great dance. Chelsea’s a bit of a dark horse on this show, but I’m not counting her out yet.
 
Bruno thought she had quivering anticipation for first love and says a bunch of other things that sound borderline R-rated. Chelsea, being a Disney star, blushes and giggles. Carrie Ann loved it. Len says his first love was Sally “Frosty Knickers” but he thought it was Chelsea’s best dance.
 
Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 8 Bruno: 8 for a total of 23
 
 
Chris Jericho/Irvine & Cheryl Burke
 
Chris chooses “Let It Be” because his mom had some kind of accident and she died and he played this at her funeral. Okay, that’s horribly sad. He’ll be doing a rumba, because when I think of the death of a loved one, I think rumba. I like the idea behind this personal/emotional dance thing, but it kind of puts anyone who takes the exercise seriously in this crappy position where they have to dance a sexy, hip-wiggling but poignant dance. Anyway, Chris is going to be himself without a character, thus, he’ll be Chris Irvine for the evening. I think Chris is really taking this whole “DWTS” thing seriously, which is kind of sweet and kind of depressing at the same time because, let’s face it, he’s not exactly twinkly on his toes.
 
It’s poignant, of course, but it’s not that good. Chris Irvine/Jericho/Whateverthehell is kind of muscle bound, so he always looks a bit heavy on the dance floor. Not like Kirstie Alley heavy, but you know what I mean.
 
Carrie Ann is weepy and thinks it’s a beautiful tribute to his mom. His hip action, weird, but very emotional. Len thinks Cheryl was a brilliant choreographer because she kept him from using his arms, but he lost fluidity. Still, he thought the poses were excellent. Bruno thought it had great warmth, but it didn’t flow.
 
Backstage, Chris says his mom would have loved it because she used to watch “Solid Gold.” I kind of wished he’d worn Chelsea Kane’s outfit as a tribute to that, but oh well.
 
Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 7 Bruno: 7 for a total of 21
 
 
Kendra Wilkinson and Louis van Amstel
 
She picks a song called “You and Me.” It’s about her relationship with Hank, because his home town was appalled that he married Hugh Hefner’s sloppy seconds and she had to hold her head high and remember it’s just about the two of them. When Kendra isn’t acting like a braying idiot, she’s actually kind of charming.
 
To start the dance, Kendra is covered in fog, and I mean covered. She stumbles when she gets out of the enormous, nuclear disaster-like fog cloud, which isn’t surprising, because if we can hardly see her I doubt she can see where she’s going. But after that, except for a few other mistakes, the rest of the dance looks pretty good.
 
Len wasn’t that so keen on the unnecessary grinding. Len is old and prudish. But he thinks her feet and legs were much improved. Bruno says there’s nothing wrong with a good stripper. Carrie Ann said, um, holla. Carrie got engaged last week on “Regis & Kelly,” so she’s feeling a little more bouncy than usual.
 
Backstage, Brooke asks a slightly inappropriate question along the lines of, hey, Strippypants, why can’t a skank like you feel automatically sexy on the dance floor? Kendra, who found Louis only slightly more appealing than cold veal, explains that she got her sexy on by envisioning her husband. I wonder what she did to deal with Hef, because this girl must have one hell of a good imagination.  
 
Carrie Ann: 8 Len: 7 Bruno: 8 for a total of 23
 
 
Romeo & Chelsie Hightower
 
He chooses “I’ll Be There” for his two dead cousins. So, another sad rumba. But Romeo isn’t feeling sad, because he’s too pissed off about his shoes to feel sad. He doesn’t like his heels. He throws his heels. But (a-ha!) his babyish pouty tantrum is not about his heels. He’s thinking about his dead cousins! It’s just so emotional! Yeah, right. That was about his stupid shoes. What is it with him and his dad and shoes?
 
It’s floaty and Romeo seems to be into it, but I’m not wowed by it. I dare say Romeo is phoning it in. His footwork is floppy and his arms seem detached from his body.
 
Bruno thought his heart and soul really showed, but his feet sucked. Carrie Ann thought it was really nice how he committed emotionally. Len thought it was a huge step backward.
 
Romeo was dancing for anyone who’s lost someone. So, all y’all who know some dead people, call in and vote for Romeo!
 
Carrie Ann: 7 Len: ? Bruno: ? I’d reveal his score if my computer hadn’t choked on it for some reason. No kidding.
 
 
Hines Ward & Kym Johnson
 
Hines chooses “Fantasy” because his mom liked it, and his mom is the bomb even if she did dig Earth, Wind & Fire. His mom worked three or four jobs to provide for him after his parents got divorced. And she’ll be in the audience, so Hines wants to rock the samba.
 
His arms look a little awkward, but he always seems relaxed and mostly light on his feet. But I never like Hines as much as the judges seem to. He’s almost too relaxed if you ask me, and even though his footwork is strong, he doesn’t seem to add snap when it’s called for.
 
Carrie Ann thought he had bounce. Len is proud of him. Bruno thought it was an expression of happiness. Hines keeps smiling, because he’s always smiling. Maybe Hines should have a conversation with Chris Irvine/Jericho/Whateverthehell, because if that guy cares too much, Hines acts like that happy stoner in the back of your English class, happily coasting by.  
 
Carrie Ann: 9 Len: 8 Bruno: 8 for a total of 25
 
 
Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Chaplin
 
She wants to dance a waltz to “You Raise Me Up.” It was the inspiration behind by the foundation she started to rebuild schools after natural disasters. Petra may be the first supermodel with a shot at sainthood. I wonder if they could auction off her dancing costumes to lepers in the third world to see if they have healing properties.
 
Dmitry tries to get Petra in the mood by yelling “LIGHT! HOPE! CLOUDS!” Think happy, relaxing thoughts, damn you!
 
This is really very, very pretty. Yes, some stumbles and missteps, but it does have fluidity and Petra being Petra, it’s pure grace. I do see her outshining Kirstie in the rankings pretty soon, if not tonight. She may not be a jive turkey, so to speak, but man, she kicks waltz ass.
 
Len thought it had grace and fluidity, and she’s the one to beat for the season. Bruno thinks she danced like an angel. Carrie Ann thought she went from supermodel to super inspirational.
 
Carrie Ann: 8 Len: 9 Bruno: 8 for a total of 25
 
 
Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna Trebunskaya
 
He wants to beat the odds, so his song will reflect that by using the theme of his boxing comeback. He’s dancing a paso doble to “My Perogative” by Bobby Brown. Because when I think comeback, the last person I think of is Bobby Brown!
 
I want Sugar Ray to be so much better than he is, though this is head and shoulders above his performance last week. While he brings some fire to this, which is great, it still needs some snap.
 
Bruno thought it was much better, but he needs to work on his thrusts. Carrie Ann saw a lot of improvement. Len thought he finally dominated the dance instead of the other way around.
 
Backstage, Sugar Ray tells Brooke that he went through some bad times during the period the song references and all of a sudden we’re having a non-fluffy moment, which is both endearing and awkward at the same time. Thankfully, Sugar Ray realizes he’s not on ESPN or “60 Minutes” and quickly goes back to happy-happy talk. Phew!
 
Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 6 Bruno: 7 for a total of 20
 
 
Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkosvskiy
 
Kirsti wants to dance to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” because her parents were hit by a drunk driver and within 72 hours her mother had died and she had gotten her first role in “Star Trek II.” So, all of that makes her think of witches, or Judy Garland or a little man behind a curtain? I’m so confused. But it’s a nice song anyway.
 
Oh. My. God. The dance starts out looking great – and then Maks drops Kirstie. Literally, drops her. On the floor. And then hops around a little, because I think she fell on his foot. Time to call Jennie. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, because this has to be the most embarrassing moment ever, or at least it would be for someone who hadn’t starred in a TV show called “Fat Actress,” I guess. Maks then WINCES his way through the rest of the routine. This is awful. Kudos to Kirstie, though, because she just shrugs it off and dances as if nothing happened.
 
Tom asks Maks what happened, and instead of coming up with a nice lie, he says his thigh gave out. Thank God he doesn’t complete the sentence with “under Kirstie’s phenomenal girth,” but that’s implied.
 
Carrie Ann says sometimes tragedy leads to magical moments. And then she thanks the band. Um, yeah, I guess no one really knows what to say about this. Len said she overcame adversity. Bruno said once she got up it was better than ever. You can tell the judges just want to hug her and let her go backstage.
 
Maks wants to make it clear the fall had nothing to do with Kirstie. Uh-huh.
 
Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 7 Bruno: 7 for a total of 21.
 
Maks wishes his dad a happy birthday. And then he hobbles off camera. I am actually wondering if he’s coming back next week.
 
 
Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff
 
It’s his wedding dance song, a rumba to “Stay Gold,” and it’s his wedding anniversary, too! Aww. Really, I can hardly pay attention to this, because I’m still thinking, “Maks dropped Kirstie! WTH?”
 
Ralph actually looks and moves like a dancer, which is hugely helpful, but it seems like he’s going downhill instead of improving.
 
Len says it needs some refinement. Bruno thought it was beautiful but he does a spatula thing with his hands. Carrie Ann thought it was a very sweet rumba.
 
Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 7 Bruno: 7 for a total of 21.
 
As far as who’s going home, unless voters are entirely annoyed by Romeo’s stupid temper tantrum or Kirstie decides not to come back, I’m guessing Sugar Ray and Wendy will be at the bottom with Wendy getting the boot. And let’s hope we don’t have another personal/emotional dance theme, because I just can’t take another death rumba, I really can’t.
 
 
Do you think Maks handled the slip-up with Kirstie well? Do you think Ralph is losing steam? And do you agree with Len that Petra is the one to beat?