Oh boy oh boy, it’s Guilty Pleasures night! This promises to be good fun, but then again, some guilty pleasures are guilty for a reason. We kick things off with Hanson MMMBopping us into the show. You know, I would really consider Hanson more of a one hit wonder than responsible for a guilty pleasure, as the guilty part implies you should be a little ashamed for liking “MMMBop.” And really, who can dislike “MMMBop?” You may not get it out of your head for a year or so and back in the day it was a little disturbing to see happy little kids with Kurt Cobain hair, but it’s a perfectly decent pop song. Whether or not they agree with “DWTS” that they should be mildly ashamed of their one big hit, little (okay, not so little anymore) Zac, Isaac and Taylor are their hearts out and smiling like the Patridge Family on uppers. They will be performing other guilty pleasures throughout the show, which kind of makes me feel like they’ve been relegated to house band status, but if they don’t mind, I don’t mind, either.
 
[Full recap of Monday's (April 25) "Dancing with the Stars" after the break...]
 
Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkosvskiy
Kirstie says Britney Spears’ “Hit Me, Baby, One More Time” is her guilty pleasure. Kirstie, I know you’re just trying to play ball with “DWTS” producers, but I seriously doubt Britney Spears’ anything is your guilty pleasure. Anyway, Maks prods her around the dance floor during rehearsal and she worries too much. And there’s a fair amount of hugging. I am surprised at how well these two get along, as Maks really seemed to hate every moment he spent with his previous partners.
 
This is a solid performance, if not stunning. She seems a little sluggish here and there (though she doesn’t seem to be sucking air toward the end as she has in previous dances) and some of her moves lack snap, but her footwork is excellent. I think Kirstie has lost a bit more weight, although I will say this outfit is certainly more flattering than those dreadful blue bellbottom pants that made her look like a 1970s era Weeble.
 
Len says she fulfilled the potential he saw week one. Bruno thought she danced as if she was born to samba. Carrie Ann says that Kirstie, just like Britney, is back. And she wants to see her in the finals.
 
Carrie Ann: 8 Len: 9 Bruno: 9 for a total of 26 out of 30.
 
Brooke asks how she comes across as so confident. Kirstie explains that she cries constantly. I suspect Kirstie is fun at parties but hell to hang out with.
 
Brooke assures us that we have seven, yes, seven votes! Use them wisely! Okay, here’s a question: why do we need seven votes? Isn’t that a bit of overkill?
 
Chris Jericho & Cheryl Burke
Chris is super psyched to dance to “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey! Chris loves Steve Perry! Steve is his inspiration! You see, Chris is the lead singer for the band Fozzy. I’m afraid the word Fozzy doesn’t make me want to rock out as much as it makes me want to watch the Muppets, even though I know that’s Fozzie Bear and not Fozzy. But come on. Anyway, Chris is overwhelmed by the tango. His musicality is sucking. Is it me, or is it odd that a guy who sings in a band has sucky musicality?
 
I don’t know if he’s feeling the music in some sort of deep, rock musician-y way, but Chris looks like he’s trying to pass a kidney stone.
 
Bruno says he turned into a lump of granite. Carrie Ann agrees with Bruno. But Len thought he had good posture and flexed knees, and though it lacked intensity he thought Chris did an excellent job. Oh, Len, you iconoclast!
 
Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 8 Bruno: 7 for a total of 22 out of 30.
 
Okay, at the last commercial break Hanson sang “Hello” by Lionel Richie. This time it’s “Achy Breaky Heart” by Miley Cyrus’ dad. They are really, really giving this a good ol’ college try without even a drop of irony, but I’ve got to think at least one of them is about ready to smack the crap out of a “DWTS” producer right about now.
 
Romeo & Chelsie Hightower
He’s performing “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion. Romeo says seeing the movie “Titanic” made him a romantic. An eight-year-old romantic. Not only is that creepy, but I also want to smack him.
 
I thought this was supposed to be guilty pleasures, not songs that made you want to stab yourself in the eye. Anyway, Romeo isn’t a favorite of mine in this competition, but this was pretty darn awesome. So many of the men don’t seem to know what to do with their arms, but Romeo does. Maybe he was an eight-year-old romantic. I mean, I hope not, but this is very, very good in any case.
 
Carrie Ann says it was magical. Len says he dances with great maturity and he thought it was poignant. Bruno says he achieved a new level of poise and attention to detail.
 
Brooke asks if the kiss between Romeo and Chelsie was planned. No, Romeo just took advantage. Forget the romantic thing. I’m thinking Romeo was really an eight-year-old playa.
 
Carrie Ann: 10 Len: 9 Bruno: 9 for a total of 28 out of 30.
 
We return from the break and Hanson sings “Ice Ice Baby.” Oh, oh no. Do I detect a bit of sarcasm when Zac purrs “Vaniiiila” into the mic? Really, dude, no one will blame you.
 
Chelsea Kane & Mark Ballas
Their song is “Walking on Sunshine,” which could not be more perfect for a bouncy little Disney starlet like Chelsea. But Chelsea doesn’t want to win! She wants everyone to get along! If she had her way, everyone would get a mirror ball! Mark, on the other hand, wants to take the competition, squish it in his fist and smear it on the sidewalk. So Mark tries to bring out Chelsea’s competitive side with a water fight. Chelsea is transformed into a competitor! Wow, this wasn’t scripted or anything! Oh, and Mark wasn’t sure if he was going to perform due to an injury during dress rehearsal, but he rallied.
 
They’re doing the quickstep and this is just adorable. Not only is it cute and Chelsea looks like she’s having a blast, she mostly nails her steps. Len’s going to hate the backpacks, I’m sure, but it’s a killer performance. This is at least on par with Romeo’s dance, and I’d give it an extra point for music that’s only a little annoying.
 
Len thought it fused high energy with control. Bruno thought it was so bright and luminous it gave him a suntan. Wow, Bruno, that almost makes sense! But not quite! Carrie Ann thought magic happened again. While Bruno saw a wobble at the end, she didn’t.
 
Brooke insists on showing us footage of The Terrible Accident That Almost Ruined Mark’s Life. In essence, his ankle gave out. If he were Secretariat, they’d have to put him down! But he’s not a horse! Mark shrugs it off. As should Brooke.
 
Carrie Ann: 10 Len: 9 Bruno: 9 for a total of 28 out of 30
 
Kendra Wilkinson and Louis van Amstel
They’ll be doing the samba, which Louis assures Kendra is her dance, as it is custom made for skanks. She’ll be using everything God gave her, from boobs to butt! And for the first time this season, Kendra actually makes me laugh by admitting that the boobs aren’t what God gave her. Zing!
 
Oh, my. I thought Kendra had a real shot with this dance, honestly, as the only thing more perfect for her would involve a pole. But she still looks awkward. She sort of gallumps onto the floor and strikes a bow-legged pose that makes her look like she’s got a full diaper, which isn’t exactly sexy. Yes, she does manage to shake her groove thing every once in a while and seems to be having fun during those moments, but for the rest of the dance her technique is scattershot and her face is frozen into a grimace. This may be better than previous performances, but that’s not saying much.
 
Of course, the judges are excited because she stood on their table and shook her crotch at them. Carrie Ann says it was a guilty pleasure. Len says it was well done. Bruno says it was the attack of the killer boobs.
 
Tom then calls for the control room to run the Elton John video for “I’m Still Standin’” starring Bruno. Bruno then calls Tom a bitch, but in a playful way. I don’t think he realized his mic picked that up, actually.
 
Carrie Ann: 8 Len: 8 Bruno: 9 for a total of 25 out of 30. Seriously? It was so not good, people.
 
Hines Ward & Kym Johnson
They will be dancing the Viennese waltz to “End of the World” Hines isn’t a romantic guy, so he has to practice making out with his pillow. This is both cute and disturbing.
 
It’s a fine waltz, but I don’t think Hines is going to be at the top of the leader board this week. A few of his moves look forced at the beginning, and while he’s relaxed, he also lacks passion. I know, it’s a waltz, but it could have used some more oomph.
 
Len says he’s the MVP of the show except for the whole being flat-footed problem. Bruno thought it was pure pleasure as a performance. Carrie saw some strangeness in the beginning as Hines seemed to be thinking too much.
 
Ah, Hanson is playing the role of house band tonight for a shot at a better gig tomorrow! They will be performing at the 8pm block, but not during the elimination show. That gig goes to the Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block. Poor Hanson.
 
Carrie Ann: 9 Len: 9 Bruno: 9 for a total of 27 out of 30.
 
Hanson sings us back from the commercial break with Quiet Riot’s “Cum on Feel the Noize.” Taylor looks like he’s going to stroke out. This is not their wheelhouse, “DWTS” powers that be! Show some compassion!
 
Ralph Macchio & Karina Smirnoff
They will be performing a paso doble to “Everybody Dance Now.” Karina wants to incorporate some “Karate Kid” moves to make this Ralph’s dance. If Ralph pulled back a hand and slapped Karina, I wouldn’t entirely blame him. Yes, he was in “The Karate Kid.” In 1984. I would hate to think wax on, wax off is still really, really important to him. But Karina works in a bit of the waxing stuff so Ralph will feel at home.
 
I wanted to like this dance SO much. But Karina falls in the beginning and they have to find their place again. The judges will have to dock them points, even though it isn’t Ralph’s fault. I was really hoping this would be a return to form from Ralph, but I can’t stop staring at the spatula hands (you know, he just has really big hands, honestly). He does seem into it and they do recover, but it’s a big stumble.
 
Bruno felt the fire despite the screw up. Carrie Ann was proud of them recovering so smoothly. Len congratulates Ralph for pulling Karina up and tells him he should be proud of himself.
 
Brooke asks Ralph and Karina to talk us through the accident as we watch it. Again. Um, Karina slipped on Ralph’s coat. Does that really require narration?
 
Carrie Ann: 8 Len: 8 Bruno: 8 for a total of 24 out of 30.
 
So, the good news is that no one was truly, truly horrible. Okay, Chris and Kendra were pretty close, but even they have shown vast amounts of improvement. But I think Chelsea (and possibly Romeo) may be the real contenders for the long haul. Sorry, Kirstie and Ralph, but the kids are more than alright tonight. Okay, bad pun, but it’s friggin’ Guilty Pleasures week, what do you want?
 
Do you think Chris is going home? Do you think Romeo is the new contender? Who do you think is going to win this thing anyway?