So, if we are to believe all the helpful ABC promos, tonight the Humiliating of Kirstie continues, which sounds like a TV movie you’d see on Lifetime and actually has all the components for it. There’s the charming but chubby lead, the dashing but surly love interest and the disaster from which our plucky gal can rise above. I expect Kirstie to be selling the film rights any day. It can’t be any worse than “Fat Actress.”
 
[Full recap of Monday's (April 11) "Dancing with the Stars" after the break...]
 
Anyway, it’s classical week on “DWTS”! That’s a hook guaranteed to bore viewers! Kirstie, please fall on your ass again to distract us from Brahms! The two hottest stars of classical music, David Garrett and Katherine Jenkins, will perform. I’m not sure I really need my classical music stars to be hot. I mean, most of the composers of classical music are dead and most of the people who love classical music are close to dead, so hotness seems more likely to induce heart arrhythmias or lethal strokes than anything. But hey, at least they look good on national TV, so there’s that.

But all this wonderful classical music comes at a price! The dancers are threatened by the orchestra, which will be twice as large as usual. That and the crazy classical music could overshadow the dancing! I don’t think so! I hate trumped up “DWTS” drama!
 
The “DWTS” Troupe shows us the paso doble. David Garrett plays violin. David Garrett is playing his heart out. Don’t worry, David, I’m sure your cuteness and weird topknot/ponytail thingy will induce more young, screaming girls to buy your CDs even if you played like a one-armed fiddler in a Grand Ole Opry “SNL” parody.
 
 
Romeo and Chelsie Hightower
 
Romeo loves to be beaten down, because then he just comes back harder. Maybe this would be inspiring if Romeo didn’t seem to floating on a fluffy little cloud of self-delusion and playa-ego. Romeo listens to everything! He’s a beast on the basketball court! He’s got killer abs! He flexes his boob at us! Cue collective tween swooning!
 
I wish Romeo’s feet could cash the check that his face and abs are writing. It looks like he’s really enjoying killing Chelsie, but he’s alternately sharp and floppy.
 
Len wishes Romeo would put on a shirt. But he thought the dance was passionate and full of attack. But technique, not so much. Bruno thought he managed to get the musical phrasing right, which was challenging. Carrie Ann thought it was fully confident and passionate.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba: 7 Len Goodman: 8 Bruno Tonioli: 8 for a total of 23.
 
Romeo informs Brooke that he isn’t a professional dancer. Really? Shocker. And he wants the kids to be inspired. And follow him on Twitter. Shut up, Romeo.
 
 
Kendra Wilkinson and Louis van Amstel
 
Kendra hates classical music. And the Viennese waltz. But she finds a way into it by calling it a mafia waltz. Oh, that Kendra, she just classes up the joint, doesn’t she? But yeah, I think they did use this piece on “The Sopranos,” didn’t they? Or one of “The Godfather” movies? Or both?
 
Well, I guess the mafia angle wasn’t enough to get Kendra to enjoy this dance. She looks uncomfortable and toward the end she messes up and seems truly horrified by this. But really, she should be more upset that she phoned it in. She just seems miserable from the get-go, and at this stage in the competition, the judges want to see you’re into it since they can’t really crucify you for screwing up steps yet.
 
Bruno tells her she messed it up, but more than that, she lacked personality. Carrie Ann thinks she’s afraid of elegance. Len thought it had flow and was good for a beginner.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba: 6 Len Goodman: 6 Bruno Tonioli: 6 for a total of 18. Ouch.
 
 
Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna Trebunskaya
 
Anna is putting Sugar Ray through the paces because she’s basically a little mean and she can. Since he has to learn how to waltz to Tchaikovsky’s “Waltz of the Flowers,” she puts him in a ballet class. Wearing tights. And she elbows him in the nose. And steals his foot. I would not want to mess with Anna. Of course, she shouldn’t mess with Sugar Ray too much. He’s nice, but he could flatten her with one good punch. Just saying.
 
Honestly, Sugar Ray doesn’t look half bad. He seems to be having so much fun I’m willing to overlook some weird posturing and that boxer thing he does with his shoulders. But really, he seems to be getting a lot better and some of his steps are positively graceful.
 
Carrie Ann thinks it’s like watching a sixth grade performance, but she means that in a good way. Len thought he turned into the Sugarplum Fairy. Also meant as a good thing. Bruno agrees that it had a wonderful, cartoonish charm.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba: 7 Len Goodman: 7 Bruno Tonioli: 7 for a total of 21.
 
 
Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Chaplin
 
For the paso doble, Petra must be fierce. For Petra, fierce is kind of giggly. Dmitry has her go to a photo session to get in touch with her model fierceness. Thank you, “DWTS” for creating a canned, ridiculous field trip to make this canned, ridiculous segment that much cheesier!
 
Petra actually does bring some fierceness to this, even if you can sort of see tiny woodland creatures dancing and singing on her shoulders. But really, it’s hard to concentrate on this dance because they’re performing to the piece of music usually heard during the fireworks finale on the Fourth of July.
 
Len would have liked it to be crisper, but he thinks she showed the emotion of the dance. Bruno thought she was a femme fatale and starts taking off his clothes. Carrie Ann thinks she’s on a roll and thought her lines were amazing.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba: 8 Len Goodman: 7 Bruno Tonioli: 8 for a total of 23
 
Before we can move on to more celebrity train wrecks/dances, we have to see the waltz performed by two members of the “DWTS” Troupe while Katherine Jenkins sings again. And yes, the waltz looks a lot better when it’s performed by professionals.
 
 
Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff
 
They’re dancing to the music used as the theme to Franco Zeffirelli’s “Romeo & Juliet” movie. Ralph is going to work on his spatula hands. Ralph doesn’t think he has spatula hands. That’s what everyone says right before they go into spatula hand rehab.
 
This started out a little rough, but Ralph really sold it. And yes, it’s pretty drippy, but Ralph seems fully committed, which makes all the difference. I don’t think Ralph is knocking it out of the park the way he did the first week, but he’s definitely back on track.
 
Bruno thought it was totally heartfelt and Ralph continued the lines. Carrie Ann felt honesty and thought it was glorious. Len says Ralph is back.
 
Brooke asks Ralph if he’s too nice to be competitive. Ralph is competitive. And nice. Could someone take Brooke into a coat closet and lock her up in there? Please?
 
Carrie Ann Inaba: 8 Len Goodman: 8 Bruno Tonioli: 9 for a total of 25. Highest score of the night and Ralph’s highest score thus far.
 
 
Hines Ward and Kym Johnson
 
Hines has to work on something other than dancing this week. What, he has a job outside of “DWTS”? And he doesn’t like the paso doble. Or classical music. Because he times his steps to lyrics, of which there will be none. Horrors! He’ll be fine.
 
I haven’t seen what all the Hines craziness was about before, but I think I’ve got a better idea now. This was fierce. While there are some bobbles here and there, he mostly nails this dance
 
The audience goes nuts and gives a standing ovation, so the judges will have a hard time dissenting. Which they don’t, not really. Carrie Ann thought he was in the zone. Len thinks he’s the most determined celebrity of the season. Bruno thought it was truly explosive.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba: 9 Len Goodman: 8 Bruno Tonioli: 8 for a total of 25

We come back from the break to see David Garrett fiddling again. They are working the crap out of this guy.
 
 
 
Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas
 
She really doesn’t want to be in third place anymore. She wants to be at the top of the leaderboard. So what does Mark do?  Crazy stuff Len will hate, of course! Yes, it’s a piece of classical music that’s always used in the “Harry Potter” movies, but he puts on a silly sorting hat and starts the dance with a traveling spotlight. Because Len loves shtick! Mark, what the heck is wrong with you?
 
It doesn’t matter that Mark goes for the shtick, though, because Chelsea looks incredible in this dance. If Len doesn’t tear Mark apart for the choreography, she should have the top slot she wanted so badly.
 
Len thinks Mark is a great choreographer and Chelsea is a great dancer, but he can’t understand why something always sucks. Surprise, surprise, he hates the shtick. And he and Mark start screaming at one another about old dances and young dancers and blah blah blah. Bruno thought it was the best dance of the night. Carrie Ann agrees with Bruno.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba: 9 Len Goodman: 8 Bruno Tonioli: 8 for a total of 26
 
 
Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke
 
Chris is very excited about the paso doble, because it’s the bullfighting dance! He can’t wait to kill Cheryl! Cheryl needs more arrogance from Chris, the Ayatollah of Rock ‘n’ rolla.
 
This is surprisingly precise. Which is great, but he may take it a little too far, because it’s a little restrained toward the end when it needs to be explosive.
 
Bruno thought he was Thor, the god of thunder. He thought all the accents were excellent. Carrie Ann thought he was connected to the music and his form was great. Len thought it wasn’t bad but he didn’t get fiercer as the music got louder.
 
Chris tells Brooke that Cheryl helped him go from Charlie Brown to Charlie Sheen. Oh, that’s not a good analogy, really. You don’t want to go to Charlie Sheen.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba: 8 Len Goodman: 7 Bruno Tonioli: 8 for a total of 23
 
 
Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkosvskiy
 
So, because it’s not a Kirstie performance unless something goes horribly wrong, Kirstie’s hip goes out. As Maks tells her, the good news is she won’t die from it. She doesn’t want a grandma dance. She wants the same dance he’d give a 25-year-old. Okay, bad idea, but whatever.
 
Kirstie is wearing a dress that is so unflattering that it may be more embarrassing than your dance partner collapsing under your considerable weight. Kirstie seems kind of spaced out during the dance. And then her shoe comes off. She seems to get it together after that, but this is just a so-so dance.
 
Carrie Ann says Kirstie is the queen of the unexpected mishap. Len thinks everything needs to improve. Bruno thought she did amazingly well.
 
Carrie Ann Inaba: 7 Len Goodman: 7 Bruno Tonioli: 8 for a total of 22.
 
Kirstie is horrified that her shoe came off. Tom takes off a shoe in tribute. I kind of love Tom Bergeron. Chelsea is at the top of the board, Kendra at the bottom. So, my predictions for the strongest performers during week one seem to have completely fallen apart. Okay, more specifically, Kirstie seems to be falling apart. But, even if she wants to dance like a 25-year-old, the reality is there are real twentysomething on the show (like Chelsea) who are working just as hard and seem to have real talent to boot. Kirstie is going to have to bring her A-game and a whole lot more to get back to where she was, and next week? Get some decent shoes, woman.
 
Do you think Kirstie’s falling apart? Do you think Kendra’s on her way out? And has your favorite changed since the first week of the show?