Did you know that last week “DWTS”  was the number one show in television? Do you care? Really, Tom Bergeron, I wouldn’t get all that cocky, because now that Kate Gosselin is gone, there’s really no one truly  loathsome on the show, and really, that was half the fun. Now all that’s left is to hypothesize about who’s doing who, marvel at the ugly-ass outfits and think about, oh yeah, dancing. And seriously, who really likes ballroom dancing?

Anyway, this week, it’s tango or samba and a swing dance marathon. The kids are trotted out and Pamela Anderson is rocking a dark wig this week – I guess she’s trying to look more serious, less “Baywatch.” And, in other news, Erin Andrews appears to be mostly naked except for a hideous purple skirt and matching appliqués over her naughty bits. Really, I know ABC wants to keep that top spot in the ratings, but really, this is one step removed from pimping.

It’s time for dancing!

[Full recap of Monday's (April 26) night's "Dancing with the Stars" after the break...]

 

Jake and Chelsea

This week, it’s a samba for the previously pantsless bachelor (say that ten times fast). To prepare, Chelsea takes Jake to meet some real samba dancers, and somehow he ends up in a gold lamé half shirt with ruffled sleeves, which is supposed to be funny but is really just unnerving. I’m starting to think there was a reason this guy was single.

The Dance: Jake appears to be having a great time bumping and grinding, but his arms are flopping around like flotation devices and his feet are out of sync, which is especially noticeable when he loses his balance and bobbles onto the judges’ platform. Jake gets points for attitude (which is surprising, given he’s a reality star and we all know how natural and comfortable Kate looked on the dance floor), but he’s got a long way to go to be a threat to Evan or Nicole.

Judges Say: Len thinks Jake is more confident and polished, but he lacks rhythm. Bruno says there was no bounce and he wiggled incorrectly. Carrie loves that he pushes himself to the max, but he needs to connect to the music. In other words, he’s still a bit of a spaz.

Score: 21 out of 30

Backstage, Brooke asks Jake if he has what it takes to go all the way, which is kind of a horrible question to ask, as the answer is clearly “only if Evan and Nicole are killed in a horrible car accident sometime soon,” but he still manages to muster a “gosh, Chelsea’s so good and we’re trying really hard, golly gee” response, which should go over well with his desperate single woman demographic.

 

Evan and Anna

Just going to prove my theory that Anna secretly hates Evan, she decides to drop him on his head while they’re practicing for the swing marathon. So, his cute pre-dance segment is a visit to the urgent care! Poor Evan has a concussion and has to walk around with a big Ace bandage around his head, which really does make him look like he’s had a lobotomy. Which doesn’t seem entirely out of the realm of possibility when he opens his mouth. Okay, that was mean, but seriously, the guy is super nice but a little personality-free when he’s not skating or dancing.

The Dance: I will say, Evan does bring the shimmy shimmy shake to this dance, and it looks pretty good until you notice the skater feet. Boyfriend cannot shake the skater feet, which is understandable and possibly a good thing, as if he tries to point his toes on the ice he might break something.

Judges Say: Bruno loves Evan’s lyrical lines, but they don’t work for the dance. Carrie Ann felt he lost the battle of the samba. Len doesn’t want to be nasty, but felt it was his worst dance because the samba doesn’t suit him.

Backstage, Brooke tries to make Evan cry, but he is just inspired to work harder. She mumbles another question, but seems too distracted by Evan’s big, tan, naked chest to really care about an answer.

Score: 21

 

Niecy and Louis

These two are going to do a funny Argentine tango, which pretty much guarantees Len is going to throw a shoe at them. Louis is determined to show that Niecy can deliver technique, which suggests Louis is smoking some crack during dance breaks. I love me some Niecy, but come on, she’s been dancing like a drunk 6-year-old for the last few weeks, which I actually find rather charming, but yeah, that isn’t going to win over the judges.

The Dance: Okay, props to Louis –  he made Niecy stuff all her jiggly parts into a Spanx body stocking and had girlfriend deliver some very proper footwork. Of course, all of this footwork is delivered in such slow motion so that Niecy actually can deliver the steps, it feels a little like Tango for Dummies or that half-speed function on your DVR, but who cares? HUGE improvement for Niecy, and she didn’t even have to shake what her momma gave her, which was starting to feel a little porn-y anyway.

Judges Say: Carrie Ann thinks it’s nice to see Niecy dancing and said she was in the zone, but didn’t like the comedy. Len, shockingly, liked the comedy (note to future contestants: Len hates props, unless the prop is a cookie, and then it’s okay) and overall thought it was good. Bruno wants Niecy to stay away from his lunchbox (uh, no threat there, and ew), but said it lacked intensity because she was trying so hard to get the steps right.

Score: 21

Jeez, is everyone getting a 21 tonight? It doesn’t seem to bother Niecy, since this is actually a pretty good score for her and, backstage, Louis lets her have some of his cookie, so hey, red letter day for Niecy.


Erin and Max

Oh yay, Erin is going to samba in a nude body stocking, pasties and a purple feather duster that’s passing for a skirt. In the walk-up, Erin and Max bicker adorably about Erin’s controlling, type-A personality, which is causing her to think too much. On the other hand, she thinks Max yells too much. All I can say is, oh yeah, if they’re not doing it now, they’re going to.

The Dance: For someone wearing a very unfortunate outfit, Erin shows pretty amazing self-confidence right from the get-go. She actually seems to capture the angry-sexy aspect of the samba, though at times I think she just looks angry because she’s dancing around essentially topless, and for God’s sake, she isn’t Pamela Anderson.

Judges Say: Len is giving her a seven because Max is a crap choreographer. This pisses off Bruno, who thought her arm placement was excellent. Carrie Ann thinks she nailed it.

Brooke asks another stupid question, which is how Erin and Max plan to break out of the middle of the pack. Um, didn’t they just try to do that?

Score: 25

Hey, not bad! Carrie and Bruno give Erin nines, which pretty much balances out Len being kind of a wiener about things.

 

Chad and Cheryl

Chad thinks the judges are tools, because he judges the dance by how he felt dancing it, and he felt great. Ergo, stupid judges. He needs to go back to Cincinnati to regroup, which is his special code word for having his ego stroked by stupidly devoted Bengals fans. Once they’ve reassured him that he’s a really good dancer, because they know this from their vast experience stepping on the feet of girls at 8th grade prom, he’s ready to tackle the tango. Cheryl is also ready to tackle the tango, because ordering Chad to lead her and push her and generally be manly seems to be making her hot and bothered. 

The Dance: As hot for Cheryl as Chad claims to be, I don’t really see it in this tango. However, his lines are a lot better, he seems to be getting the footwork down (although, like Niecy, he’s suffering from slo-mo mode) and he looks less like a Macy’s men’s department mannequin than usual.

Judges Say: Bruno calls Chad a growling panther. Carrie Ann says he nailed it. Len says Chad grew. The judges apparently saw a different dance than I did.

Score: 24

Highest score ever for Chad, and I think Brooke is so stunned she forgets to work over Chad and Cheryl about their whole are-they-or-aren’t they situation, which is probably for the best, because I’m not sure the fire is still burning for these guys..

 

Nicole and Derek

Nicole wants to do her Ricky Martin moves. She doesn’t realize the samba is not salsa dancing. And she’s miserable. To prove this, she does one of those Michael Jackson chest-thump screamy things that, apparently, is the universal sign of frustration. And all this time I just thought ol’ MJ was crying out for help or manifesting his deep-seated self-loathing. But I digress. Nicole is thinking too much, she isn’t having fun, and this samba thing is SO hard. I believe this like I believe in Santa Claus and Klingons. Seriously, Nicole, we know you’re skating through this competition, just shut up and enjoy it.

The Dance: Really, why don’t we just give Nicole the mirror ball or whatever it is and get it over with. She’s a ringer, plain and simple.

Judges Say: Carrie Ann whoops and hollers and just loved it except for Nicole’s tendency to make weird faces. Len thought she had ugly legs at the end and thought it wasn’t a samba, but a hodgepodge of sexy gyrations. So basically, tonight Len is judging the professional dancers, not the competitors. Um, okay. Bruno starts singing “A Chorus Line” at Nicole, which means he liked it. 

Brooke likes the gyrations, and she wonders how Nicole is dealing with the pressure. What pressure? Girl’s  gonna win this.

Score: 26

 

Pamela and Damian

Pammy is determined not to be in the bottom two. This accounts for the brown wig, I suppose. Maybe she’s hoping people will get confused and think she’s Brooke Burke or that little soap opera chick who won season one.

The Dance: Once I can stop focusing on the fact a Depeche Mode song is being played on what sounds like an accordion (my ears, my ears!), I can actually pay attention to the dancing. Basically, Damian spends most of the dance tossing her around. When she actually has to dance on her own two feet, Pamela looks a little wobbly. But she does give good smolder, which is something.

Judges Say: Len thinks she got the flavor of the dance, but it was a bit scruffy. Bruno loves the character Pamela is playing and doesn’t say a word about her dancing. Carrie Ann wanted to see more technique in her legs.

Brooke asks Pam where she gets her fight from, and I would pay good money for her to say “Tommy Lee,”  but instead she makes a joke about liking to be on top, which is pretty much the same difference.

Score: 22

Time for the swing dance marathon, which won’t really be a marathon, because there’s only ten minutes left of the show. Oh wait, less than that, because we have to watch rehearsal. Chelsea thinks Jake will have an advantage, because he’s so strong he can toss her around. Um, Chelsea, there’s an Olympian and a pro football player in the competition, and you’ve got a reality TV show guy. Shut up.

Oh, love this. Jake and Chelsea are the first couple kicked to the curb. Next, Niecy rolls on top of Louis in what’s supposed to be a dance move but actually looks like Niecy may be having a heart attack, and they’re next to go, as Niecy might need oxygen. Evan and Anna are then picked off, which I’m guessing has something to do with Evan leaving his spotlight while spinning Anna around, which looks like an accident waiting to happen. Chad and Cheryl are next to go, but I have no idea why. Pamela and Damian are eliminated after Pamela blows a lift, but she still gets eight points, which I’m sure she’s thrilled about. Finally, Erin and Maks are kicked to the curb, leaving (who else?) Nicole and Derek to win it.

I’m almost getting a little bored with Nicole and Derek being the gifted students while everyone else is at best average or, in some cases, special ed. C’mon, Erin and Evan, bring your A-game before I’m so annoyed I start watching “American Idol.” 

Who do you think deserves to be eliminated? Do you think the judges should have been nicer to Evan since he had a concussion? And do you think Pamela will stay out of the bottom two this week?