Lydia of "Big Brother"

Credit: CBS

Is it wrong for me to say I’m missing Chima a little bit? I mean, not a lot or anything; I haven’t lost my mind. Crazypants was in serious need of the boot, but things in the hamster house were definitely interesting (and if Sunday night’s ratings were any indication, I wasn’t the only one who had-had-had to see Chima get kicked out on her royal ass) with her in it. But now I’m wondering what the show can possibly do to live up to Sunday’s night whole hella lot of nutso. I mean, come on, that was better than watching Britney, Lindsay and Amy Winehouse partying in Ibiza at 4 in the morning. But Julie tells me that this show is all about expect the unexpected, so I can always pray for Russell’s paranoia to result in a bloody killing spree or something.
 
Lydia tells us that being nominated for the fourth freakin’ time is a poopy feeling, and I just need to pause here and say, seriously, Lydia needs to pluck her adjectives out of the second grade slow learner handbook. Girl, you too old to be calling everything poopy. Because I know you have a whole hella lot of four-letter words that you can use, since half of everything you say is bleeped out, so cut the crap, Pinky.
 
Natalie tells the diary cam she has no true friends in the game, which is most definitely true, unless she wants to consider Fatal Attraction Pinky and Stoopid Hoodie Guy Kevin her best buds. And really, that’s slim pickings. But Natalie apparently has one enemy in her sights, who is Michele, and she vows to put her on the block if she gets POV.  Which we all know she won’t, because tae kwon do does not apparently prepare you for anything in life.
 
Then, it’s Jeff’s turn at the diary cam, and he reveals that he sees eliminating Lydia and Natalie as a clean-up operation, which sounds a little Hitler-y of him, but I’m pretty sure the game hasn’t gotten that bad. Yet.
 
Lydia, who has been enjoying her ride on the crazy train so much she didn’t even want to hop off once she sobered up, retires to her bed to whine about her sad, sad fate as She Most Likely To Be Dumped On Her Ass. Kevin and Natalie try to give her an old-fashioned pep talk, reminding her she can still win POV, but that just annoys Crazypants, who’d rather bemoan her tragic fate. I heard one theory that Lydia actually wants to be kicked out of the house so she and Jessie can get jiggy with it for a week or two before Natalie arrives in the jury house, and all I can think is, if Jessie’s been allowed to watch even a little bit of the last week’s footage, he ain’t tapping that for nothing.
 
Kevin tells the diary cam that even he can’t ignore how crazy Lydia has gotten, and that if he does win POV he may just use it on Natalie instead. But really, that’s kind of like one of those delusional singers on the first week of American Idol getting their panties in a twist worrying about what they’ll wear to the Grammys. It’s not impossible, but Kevin is more likely to die in a volcanic eruption or contract polio.
 
Next, we visit Michele and Russell. Russell is telling Michele he’s a lone wolf, just like her, which is interesting because I thought he was a rabid wolf who liked to pick fights and snarl, but I guess I was wrong. Russell tells Michele he wants to go to the final two with her, which does not make her automatically throw something sharp at his shiny head, so I guess she’s considering it.
 
In the diary room, Russell tells that us his deal with Jeff is effectively off, and that Jordan should have eliminated him or Michele when she had the chance. So, wow, Russell doesn’t screw around. I will say he’s been pretty savvy in playing the game, and the fact that he somehow wiggled his way into Jeff’s good graces after being a Jessie loyalist speaks to him being more than an MMA meathead. But I will say, we didn’t see the neuroscientist agree to anything, just nod and smile sphinx-like as Russell prattled on about being some kind of lupine warrior. So, Meathead just might get outplayed by the Brain, just saying.
 
Kevin, Natalie and Lydia have a slumber party, and Natalie decides, now that Lydia has established herself as all kinds of crazy, this is a good opportunity to ask her how many times she hooked up with Jessie when he was in the house. Lydia at first refuses to answer, then starts blabbing about making a tent with Jessie, which is apparently code for oral, I think. Which I intend to use in a sentence the minute the opportunity presents itself.
 
Kevin tells Natalie she was plan A and Lydia was Plan B, which apparently had not occurred to Captain Unitard or Natalie, which makes me think that maybe the BB producers also control how much oxygen the housemates get, which in this case is not nearly enough. Natalie tells the cameras that she and Lydia have finally surmised that Jessie is an expletive, which makes me think these two are the most likely women to repeat that unfortunate Super Glue on the penis incident that was in the news a few weeks ago, so I’m a little sad there are no cameras in the jury house. Yet.
 
Knowing the likelihood of Natalie or Lydia becoming HBIC (Head Bitch in Charge) is quite unlikely, Kevin suggests it’s time to plant a seed of doubt by telling Jeff a lie. Ironically, the lie could be absolutely true, because their fib is that Russell and Michele have a plan to get to the final two, and that’s what makes this all so fun!
 
Kevin tells us he’s a lousy liar, but apparently not that lousy because when he tells Jeff his little lie, Jeff falls for it completely. Because obviously, Kevin has no reason to lie, right? Is Jeff slow? Oh, wait, yeah, he is. Sorry. Anyway, when Jeff suggests to Jordan she backdoor Russell this week, Jordan tries to talk sense and suggest, oh, maybe we should kick Natalie to the curb first as we planned, then worry about Meathead.
 
Then, we must cutaway from all this excitement to let Julie grill the housemates. And can I just say she sucks at this? Let’s make this quick, because it’s really pretty painful, even as filler. Jeff has no regrets about using the Coup D’Etat. Kevin felt guilty about Chima’s exit because he had delusions of Chima actually listening to logic. Lydia says she’s totally over Jessie and if she’s in jury house with him, he’ll be sorry. Which is true for many, many reasons. Jordan says she misses her family and likes baths. Yawn. Can we cut to commercial now? Thank God.
 
We return and Natalie gets to talk to her dad on the phone. He says he watches every episode of the show with her boyfriend Jason, and he carries her pain. Which may have something to do with having to spend three nights a week watching TV with the boyfriend, but I’m just guessing. And, as expected, Natalie gets all weepy and tells us she didn’t have a mom and blah blah blah. I much prefer not to know all the sappy stuff about the hamsters. It’s like making friends with a chicken before you eat it. It’s just... unappetizing
 
Finally, it’s time for the POV competition. Russell isn’t allowed to play, which makes him wrinkle up his face like he’s passing a kidney stone. The game is called Before and After, which is possibly the lamest game in a long line of lame POV games. It comes down to Michele and Jordan, who either have excellent memories or could just hear one another stepping up and down through the wall separating them, which completely gives away their answer to each question. Just saying, these games suck. Finally, it comes down to a tiebreaker, and Jordan wins the POV. Which could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how closely she listens to her dumb bunny boyfriend.
 
Natalie and Lydia both plead for their lives in a most unconvincing manner, since they both look like they have one foot out the door despite all that chatter about fighting the good fight, but maybe it’s low blood sugar or something. It doesn’t matter anyway, because Jordan doesn’t use the POV, which suggests that she might not be the obedient dumb blonde wifey Jeff is hoping for. Yay!
 
And then, because this show is moving at lightning fast speed, it’s time for the actual elimination. Pleading her case, Natalie tells us it’s been a really, really bad week for her, but she has no allies, so it would be smart to keep her around because even if you kick her or short sheet her bed, not much she can do about it. Lydia says everyone should vote for the person who would further their game, which isn’t much of an argument, because I can’t see how either of these GOJ (Girls Of Jessie) can do anything for anyone.
 
Then, it’s time for the voting. Russell votes for Lydia. Michele votes for Lydia. Jeff votes for Lydia. Kevin votes for... Natalie. Big surprise. So, it’s Lydia by a landslide. Though I will miss the Captain Unitard costume, I will be excited for her to be alone in the jury house with Jessie, although there is a better than average chance he might actually die.
 
Classy and diplomatic as always, Crazypants only says good-bye to Kevin and snubs the rest of the housemates. In her interview with Julie, Captain Unitard explains that she did this because he’s the only person she wants to win and everyone else can kick rocks. Kick rocks? Huh?
 
Then, despite the fact that she and Natalie seemed to be besties this week, Lydia rolls her eyes and calls Natalie the kid sister she didn’t want and a playful puppy dog, whereas she’s an old, sleepy wolf, which sounds like the very bad thing that happened to my mother-in-law’s Yorkie, so let’s move on. When Julie asks why Lydia didn’t try harder to stay in the house, Crazypants says something nonsensical about throwing a table and not wanting to waste her fabulous pink hair in the house, and then some other rambling nuttiness I couldn’t follow. Then she says Chima should have toughed it out, and Michele sho wed her true colors, and Jessie is in trouble and BB should bring cameras to the jury house because it’s time to pay the Pink Piper. Which not only sounds like Lydia has created the next great superheroine, but a most excellent idea, as the police will need the footage for her murder trial.
 
And then, it’s time for the HOH competition, which is all about recycling, which is just as exciting as... recycling. I already do this at home, do I really need to watch this? It’s also making me thirsty for soda.
 
Do you think Lydia deserved the boot? Do you think she’s going to make Jessie pay in the jury house? And do you think Russell convinced Michele he’ll take her to the final two?