Previously on “Big Brother”: stupid people did stupid things! Yup, that about sums it up. No need to summarize things further. You know the drill at this point. Onto tonight’s episode!

Newsflash: “It’s just strategic” is the “Big Brother” versus of “it’s not you, it’s me.” Neither Adam not Dominic are exactly sure which one of them is the bigger target at this point, though Jordan insists that it’s the latter who is in her crosshairs. Naturally, Rachel is annoyed by Jordan’s decision overall, having decided that Cassi was put on this earth to be the Mothra to her Godzilla. Adam declares, “Never underestimate the heart of a champion.” Which is fine and all, but how does that apply to him, exactly?

In the HoH room, Jordan asks Adam to throw the Veto competition. I can’t tell you how much fun it is to recap people throwing the PoVs on a weekly basis. It’s awesome. Meanwhile, in the Have Not Sanitarium, Rachel and Porsche scheme to get Cassi out sooner rather than later. Lawon calls this pairing “miss-cheevious.” Just like that. Truly amazing pronunciation right there.

Elsewhere, Daniele continues to wrap Dominic around her finger, which at this point is the most entertaining form of manipulation going on in the entire house. “I don’t hate Cassi,” Daniele tells the camera, “But if I see a bus, I’m not afraid to give a little push.” She’s delightful, that one. I can’t tell if the veterans are afraid of Cassi because she’s so devious or because she’s good looking. Given that Rachel’s leading the charge, I’m going with Option B.

Jordan and Jeff confab alone. The HoH is stuck between a rock and a Rachel place, trying to decide how best to handle the Cassi situation. (She’s not even on the chopping block at this point, and yet is dominating the episode so far. So much for the heart of a champion.) “I need some Rachel-Off,” declares Jeff, speaking for America as a whole. Jordan airs my suspicion that Cassi’s getting the attention due to her looks. Then again, Jordan isn’t exactly a wallflower, either. Maybe the PoV challenge will involve makeouts. A recapper can hope.

Onto the Veto Competition! Six will participate, of which four are predetermined: Jordan, Jeff, Adam, Dominic. You’re not gonna believe this, but Jordan picks Brendon and Rachel, with Daniele selected as host. Now in the competition, Brendon and Rachel plan to win the competition to secure Cassi’s exit from the game. This is getting into serious “Single White Big Brother Contestant” land here, people. They seek out Daniele to help get Dominic on board with their plan, which delights the soon-to-be host. Such a plan will cause a rift between four of the five veterans, leaving Daniele free and clear in the aftermath.

Queen Daniele leads the crew out to the backyard, which looks like a candy shop on crack. It’s an individual competition, which thrills Dominic. The challenge? Chew enough gumballs to fill in a portrait, all while walking back and forth along a small beam. Falling off the beam means elimination or two weeks of “slop.” Good Lord, this is going to take up half the episode, isn’t it? “I think if I had more balls in my mouth, I would have looked like a gerbil,” says Jordan. Ahem. She falls first, and decides to get back in for two weeks of slop. Jeff screams at her to not take the make-up slot, which only fuels dissention among the veteran ranks. Rachel snipes at Jordan mid-mission, which only makes things worse. Miss Whines a Lot quickly falls twice, which means that God watches “Big Brother” and isn’t a fan of her baloney.

Dominic takes the lead soon after, with the final four men starting to sprint across the boards in order to win. This all would be exciting, except that’s a bunch of people walking and chewing gum. In the end, Dominic wins Power of Veto. Let’s hear it: REGULATORS! Oh wait, that alliance ended a week ago. Post-race, Jeff lays into Rachel for her comments during the game. Away from the group, Brendon and Rachel have a whisper fight about what just went down. It’s like “Revolutionary Road,” only, you know, not. Ten minutes ago, the newbies were hopelessly outclassed, overmatched, and doomed to be picked off one by one. Now? I expect Cassi to whip out a monocle and cackle until everyone else quakes in fear.

The backyard is now filled with candy and tears. It’s my 6th birthday party ALL OVER AGAIN. Watching Rachel regress on national television is truly spectacular, and Brendon treating her less like a fiancée and more like a child is half endearing, half enabling. “You have to keep all your emotions inside,” he tells her. “I am!” she insists, “That’s why I’m hiding in the bushes!” OK, I’m golf-clapping that statement. I might put that on my tombstone when I die.

In the HoH room, Jeff’s rage level is still at 10 over Rachel’s antics. You can just see the anger pouring out of his Dylan McKay-esque sideburns. Elsewhere, Brendon is literally coaching Rachel on how to apologize to Jordan. “No wonder America hates me!” she moans. Well, not right now! This is hysterical! She’s every girlfriend I had in my 20s, rolled up into an even bigger bag of bananas. She eventually does apologize, but neither Jeff nor Jordan seem to think it’s sincere. Doubting someone’s veracity? For shame!

In walks in Cassi and Shelly to the HoH room. Cassi is in a bikini. I approve! Cassi’s impossibly tweezed eyebrows work their way into Jordan’s psyche, suggesting that she put up Rachel and Brendon up for elimination. (Side note: all this talk of “backdoor’ing” just sounds filthy.) Jeff completely agrees with Cassi’s plan, and you know what? I’ve changed my mind. Cassi’s a genius. And she’s pretty. It’s possible to be both, apparently. Oh, damnit, now she’s gotten in MY head. Good thing I’m just recapping “Big Brother” and not actually playing it.

Dominic announces it’s time for the veto meeting. And to no one’s surprise, he uses the power to save himself and Adam. Jordan now has to pick a new couple, and she picks…Shelly and Cassi. Whoa. That…what? What did I miss? I’ve changed my mind. Cassi’s an idiot. Rachel’s frown has turned upside down. Dogs and cats, living together….MASS HYSTERIA!

Come back tomorrow, where I’ll be filling in for Dan and covering the live vote, and find out what goes down.

 

Did Jordan make the right decision? Is Daniele the most powerful player in the game right now? Will “Big Brother” ever show Lawon uttering a sentence in which he doesn’t mangle the English language? Sound off below!