Last time on “Big Brother”: Daniele won Head of Household, Adam wore an elf costume, and Rachel and Porsche nearly caused the San Andreas fault to crack by running concurrently inside the house. Yikes. That was some bouncy TV, y’all. Also: Brenchel might be over, with the pair put on the block for elimination this week. Let’s see if the veteran alliance can hold in the face of their toughest challenge yet. But it still can’t be as tough as every time I have to type out the word “Brenchel.”

Daniele announces that her true target is Brendon, likening herself to Robin Hood. I know this is going to shock you, but Rachel is REALLY UPSET about what just happened. Brendon insists that he wants to keep Rachel in the game longer than himself, which may be a way of him saying, “I need a few weeks alone before I shackle myself to you for the rest of my sad, sad life.” God, now HE is crying. Are Rachel Tears contagious? Should I see a doctor? I’m worried, guys. Then Brendon delivers what may be the line of the year in television to his fiancée, in talking about her big heart: “It’s right behind the mediastinum. And I only know that because I’m a Ph.D. student.” Wow. My Douche-o-Meter just exploded.

Over in Barney’s Bachelor Pad, Jordan and Jeff are shocked that Daniele didn’t double cross them. They are, however, worried about the potential of being backdoored should Brenchel win the PoV. Over in the Big Brother Semi-Asylum, Daniele tries to calm Rachel down, in order to make sure her own butt is covered no matter which way this week’s vote goes. It sounds like two girls trying to mend fences after one goes to prom with the guy the other had been eyeing since Homecoming.

It’s time to pick players for the PoV challenge. Daniele picks Jeff, which means they will be playing together. Rachel picks Adam, and Brendon picks Porsche. Daniele then chooses Lawon to be host of the challenge. Lawon soon struts out, wearing a Flavor Flav clock around his neck, announcing the start of the competition. The yard is an amalgam of five previous challenges. Each player has to write down how long they think it will take them to complete each stage. The person that writes down the fastest time has to then complete it in said time. If they fail, they are out. If they succeed, then the person who wrote down the slowest time is out. EVERYBODY GOT THAT? Good. Not sure I do, but I’m still checking for Rachel Tears. So I’m a little distracted.

 

Round 1: Gumball Challenge. How long will it take them to chew ten gumballs and stick it into their veto canvas?

Rachel write down the fastest time (2:00); Adam the slowest (3:17). She does it in 1:49, which eliminates Adam.

 

Round 2: Puzzle Challenge. How long will it take them to complete a new version of the puzzle?

Rachel again write down the fastest time (0:38); Porsche the slowest (1:58). Thirty-eight seconds? Even she realizes that was a dumb estimate. She psyches herself out before it even starts, and fails to complete it in time. She’s out.

 

Round 3: Giant Hair Foot Challenge. How long will it take them to spell out an eleven-letter word (“nominations”) that relates to the game?

 

Daniele overestimates Brendon’s arrogance, and picks the lowest time (0:29). Former National Spelling Bee Champ Jeff comes in last (1:58). Much like Rachel, she didn’t give herself enough time, and she’s eliminated.

 

Round 4: Cow on The Moon Challenge. How long will it take them to transfer three gallons from the pool to the jugs?

Jeff comes in lowest (0:54). He aimed low to make his own fate in the game. This is the silliest yet hardest round yet. Jeff just BARELY misses out, which means Daniele is straight up screwed at this point.

 

Round 5: Mini Putt Challenge. How long will it take them to putt the ball in the hole?

Brendon picks the lower time (0:33), so it’s all up to him. And with two seconds left, he sinks the putt, giving him PoV. Lifetime Movie of the Week music kicks in as Rachel clutches her fiancé, no doubt inspired by Daniele’s disgust at the scene. (The movie, clearly, would be called “Crying in The Bushes: The Brenchel Saga.”) Once again, Daniele’s master plan has backfired. Brendon’s plan now is to misdirect everyone regarding his veto intentions so Daniele potentially backdoors someone that could have helped her down the line. I think. The constant use of “backdoor” as a verb on this show is messing with my mind.

Shelly visits Daniele and Kalia in the HoH room, aggressively asking about Daniele’s plans. “She’s sketchy as hell,” notes Daniele, and now thoughts of her on the block pop into her mind. It’s time for a Daniele/Jeff/Jordan confab. At this point, everyone’s second-guessing everyone else. Wallace Shawn might walk in at any moment and challenge the house to a game of wits involving iocane powder. Daniele reaffirms that she wants to keep them both, and the three try to see through Brendon’s plans. Jordan volunteers to go in instead of Jeff, should it come to that. Smart plan: she’s much likelier to stay than Jeff should it come down to a vote.

Jeff and Jordan confront Brendon, who sticks to his story about putting himself up. He and Rachel then visit Daniele in the HoH room to further turn the screws on her, pushing her to put a floater instead of them in exchange for a clean slate with them going forth. Daniele’s either really good at acting anguished or she’s not mentally equipped to be HoH at this stage of the game. Also? Props to Rachel, for mostly keeping her trap shut and letting Brendon take the lead on those mind games.

It’s PoV Time! Looks like he’s completely fooled Daniele, who still expects him to take himself off the block. Brendon cedes the floor to Rachel, who asks him to use the veto to save himself. Naturally, he picks Rachel. Daniele then picks Jordan, per their agreement, as the replacement. So a veteran WILL be going home this week. Brendon thinks he’s completely destroyed Daniele’s plans, but she’s happy to still have her biggest threat on the block. “Brendon used his veto on me!” coos Rachel. “I feel like a fairytale princess.” I TOTALLY remember my mom reading me the story of “The Princess Who Could Only Eat Peas Because America Voted On That Food Product For The Have Nots.”

 

Who will go home tomorrow? Is Rachel likely to fold if separated from Brendon or more likely to burn the house down in an attempt to avenge his fate? And will all the major players’ energies leave players like Lawon and Adam standing goofily alone at the end? Sound off below!