Kalia versus Porsche. It’s not exactly Ali-Frazer, is it? But that’s where we start tonight’s “Big Brother,” with both currently on the chopping block. The PoV Challenge tonight could land Daniele in hot water before the hour is up, but for now, we’re stuck with two less-than-impressive players in jeopardy. Yawn. Can we bring Zombie Brendon back? Wait, forget I said that. Let’s get on to tonight’s recap before I say anything else I’ll later regret.

Kalia thinks she’s the better competitor of the pair up for eviction. She happens to be right, but only because Porsche might be the only person less competitive in the entire house. (I’m guessing the PoV Challenge won’t involve “power napping.”) No matter what, the Kalia/Porsche/Daniele Triumvirate will be over by the end of the week. In the smoking corner, Adam kisses Jeff’s butt, praising his “classy” nomination ceremony. It also looks like Adam is trying to re-grow his beard, in an attempt to regain the power lost when he shaved it off a few weeks ago.

In the kitchen, Rachel is trying to get into Daniele’s head about…her 25th birthday. Ooooh, burn. Red is going full “Single White Female” on the woman that evicted her fiancé twice. Jordan is straight-up terrified of Rachel at this point. Since she’s still wearing the Humilitard, her fear is somehow incredibly adorable. She should wear it until she leaves the house. Seriously, who would vote her out?

It’s PoV player selection time! With eight players left in the game, seven will compete. (The usual six, plus Daniele, who won the right to play in this week’s Veto Competition last time around.) Jeff hopes that Shelly is the odd man out, perceiving her to be the weakest link in the chain. It turns out that Rachel is once again sitting the PoV Challenge out, which means Daniele can put the restraining order she took out during the commercial break on hold for a while. 

Later that night, Jordan announces that her time wearing the unitard is over. NOOOOO. Wait, she’s straight up stripping it off in front of everyone. I change my mind! Best idea ever! Later that night, Jeff and Jordan watch feeds of the house on the TV in the HoH room. It’s like the movie “Sliver,” only with Humilitards. They provide “Mystery Science Theatre 3000”-esque commentary on what they see, which is a lot like what I do each time I watch the show. The only difference? My commentary features much more swearing. Also, I don’t spend ten minutes arguing with myself over the pronunciation of the word “mischievous.” Um. That’s not exactly a hard word to pronounce. Is it?

Holy $#& it’s a #@*&’ing robot! This “Big Brother” newbie is terrified. Is it Brendon in disguise? Who knows? Apparently, it’s called the Zingbot 3000. It’s like a Dalek that does stand-up in the Catskills. It makes fun of Jeff’s soul patch, Porsche’s butt, Rachel’s overuse of the word “fiancé”, and dear God, I think I just did a whole buncha drugs and didn’t realize it. I just keep waiting for the Zingbot to shout “EXTERMINATE!” and wipe out the entire household.

 

The Zingbot leads them out to the yard for the competition, which looks like the back lot of a live-action version of “Phineas and Ferb.” Each player has to assemble a “bride” for the Zingbot: the first person to assemble it correctly wins. Wow. That was actually easy to describe. Most competitions have rules more complex than the tax code. But the actual completion of the task is difficult, as the sheer number of pieces (many with similar shapes) makes it difficult for them to build the bot. During the competition, each talking head segment features a player making an awful joke about another, ending it with “Zing!” Oooh, oooh, let me try! “Look, the word ‘mischievous’ isn’t hard to pronounce. It’s not like it’s ‘Piper Perabo’,” am I right Alan Sepinwall? ZING!”

 

In the end, Jeff wins the competition, meaning all the power in the house is now his. Kalia worries that all of her hard work in the course of the game will make her a bigger target at this point than Porsche. Huh. I’d love to see the edit of this game in which we see this “hard work”. Shelly and Adam confab with Jeff to see what his plan is, but he’s keeping things close to the soul patch. Porsche and Kalia then each make their case to Jeff to come off the block. Porsche does it in a laid-back manner, whereas Kalia approaches it much more forcefully. The latter sells out the former as a floater, hoping that gives her a leg up come veto time. In the Barney Room, Jeff talks to Daniele about potential power struggles related to the vote. She offers up Porsche as the sacrificial lamb of the trio, while promising their alliance is still valid. I think I fell asleep six times during this segment. Lord, this episode is a cure for insomnia. I actually miss people crying for no good reason every twelve seconds. I almost even miss the Zingbot 3000. Yikes.

Thank God, it’s time for Jeff to finally make his choice. He gives both a chance to state their case for staying. Porsche wants to keep competing to avenge her second-place finishes. Also, she likes Jeff’s hair. (Is that a zing? I honestly can’t tell at this point.) Kalia offers more red velvet cake should she stay.  I’ve never seen her cook on the show, but I’m assuming this isn’t a metaphor. In the end, he uses the PoV on Porsche, and backdoors Daniele as retribution for her backstabbing earlier in the competition. IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. That’s Jeff’s big move to be the Alpha Male heading into the final leg of the game, hands down. It’s a big move, one that will get him into the final few or get him knocked off next. I’m not sure there’s another option at this point.

 

Did Jeff make the right move? What will this mean for tomorrow’s double elimination episode? Who do you think will be gone 24 hours from now?