As the Chenbot helpfully points out, it’s a special eviction episode of “BB.” Otherwise known as Wednesday. I know, I should be more excited, but when we’re down to so few hamsters, and Lane and Britney have blown their chance to shake things up, it just isn’t that exciting any more. Basically, we’re just watching the (b)rigade waddle into the finals (sans Matt, of course) like a bunch of overfed zoo animals, and it’s about as thrilling as watching feeding time at the Galapagos turtle exhibit.  
 
[Full recap of Wednesday's (Sept. 8) "Big Brother" after the break...]
 
But that doesn’t mean there isn’t time for a little half-hearted game play. Hayden and Lane blow smoke up one an other’s butts. Hayden says he wants Enzo out (when he doesn’t) and Lane says he wants Britney out (when he doesn’t). I don’t think either one of them actually believes the other, but it’s important to go through the motions, like at a bar mitzvah or shotgun wedding.
 
Later, Enzo reveals that he feels like a Spartan going to war for the POV, although I think Enzo would only qualify as a Spartan if he was a recruit who died during basic Spartan training, possibly on the first day and by the hand of an annoyed Spartan leader. Hayden says the only truthful thing, which is that if they don’t oust Britney she’ll win simply because she’s smarter than the guys.
 
Britney, who still hasn’t sorted out this whole (b)rigade thing, goes to chat with Hayden. Because she thinks she has a chance. Oh, Britney, you’re killing me here. She tries to plant seeds of doubt in Hayden’s head about Enzo. The thing is, if she wasn’t trying to argue against an alliance that had been around since day 2, she’d have a case. She points out that at least three people hate her, not including Matt, while Enzo will win no matter what if he makes final two. Hayden nods and takes all of this very seriously, when really he’s thinking of surfing awesome waves and wondering how wasted he can get on $500,000.
 
It’s POV time! It’s an annoying game of “BB” trivia, though this actually looks pretty tough. Hayden is determined to win, and Lane can’t remember what he ate for lunch. Even though they play the bumbling dolt music as Lane wanders around in a stupor, I have to admit, I’d be with Lane on this one. Who remembers who only was a have not twice or was the seventh person evicted? Okay, maybe if I had no Internet access and no job for three months, these things would stick out a bit more, but really, not so easy.
 
Of course, Hayden wins it. I friggin’ hate this guy.
 
Well, now that Lane’s backdoor plot is dead in the water, it’s time for the (b)rigade to come together, celebrate, and gloat. To Britney. Yes, Hayden decides it’s time to out the (b)rigade. The mean boys are going to make her cry. Hayden and Enzo claim to feel really awful about doing this, which I would be more willing to believe if not for the giggling.
 
What follows is the most awkward break-up that’s not a break-up that I ever recall seeing. Lane and Enzo talk in circles, and cackle, then finally, in dribs and drabs, drop the bomb on Britney. Who calmly chews on her nails for a while, which is either her attempt to remain calm or it’s taking a while for the full extent of her “friends’” betrayal to sink in. Lane asks Britney if she’s pissed. She doesn’t answer. So the answer would be, um, yes.
 
And then, when Britney has no more nails to chew and she can’t hold it in a moment longer, she starts crying. This is actually hard to watch, because you know she doesn’t want to cry and more than anything, she feels humiliated and stupid, having been played by a bunch of meatheads.  This makes Lane sad, because seeing Britney cry, well, it’s as heartbreaking as if one of his good dogs has died. Yes, he said that, because I couldn’t make that up even if I wanted to. Lane is such a romantic, isn’t he?
 
Britney leaves the room, admitting that she feels as if she’s just wasted three months of her life. And no, she doesn’t want to talk it out. But Lane feels horrible and, of course, follows her, which sort of pisses off Enzo, who wants to have more guy gloating time. Shut up, Enzo.
 
Lane tries to tell Britney he never lied to her and he never played her. And he has a lot of feelings for her. Lane, let it go, you’re not getting any after this. Britney tells him she’s going to bed and, in so many words, he should get lost.
 
Time for eviction! Britney’s all smiley, but you know she’s silently wishing a plague of bedbugs on her housemates. But she manages to give her Oscar speech, and swears she loves everyone, even though she’s on the verge of crying. For someone who spent most of her time bitching about her housemates back when Monet is in the house, she certainly turns on the forgiveness pretty fast.
 
And, the one vote will be delivered by Enzo, and you can guess what that is. Enzo tells Britney she can let Nick punch him in the face if she wants. Um, great? That’s a pretty easy thing to offer, considering everyone’s seen a picture of Nick and he looks as likely to throw a decent left hook as your average grandmother.
 
So, that’s the end of Britney. I have to hand it to her, though. I never expected her to go so far, especially given her catty mean girl behavior at the beginning of the show (best thing that ever happened to her was Monet getting the boot). She may have made a strategic blunder by going along with Lane on keeping Hayden in the house, but otherwise, she managed to play pretty darn well when it counted.  
 
Britney takes her dismissal gracefully and gives everyone a big hug before going to her exit interview. The Chenbot admits she’s stunned that Britney is all love and forgiveness. I am too, honestly. Either she cleaned out the BB liquor cabinet before she hit the block or she realized she didn’t want to look like a big crybaby on national television. Britney admits she felt angry and betrayed, but got over it. Then, the Chenbot reminds Britney that Ragan told her about the (b)rigade, just so she feels good and stupid. She adds that she forgives Lane, and the Chenbot misses her golden opportunity to ask if she’d toss Nick over for a taste of Texas crude.  
 
Time for goodbye messages, and aren’t they just the sweetest. Hayden says he feels like he betrayed Britney, and he hates doing it. Shut up, Hayden, you so didn’t. Enzo says he didn’t like making her cry. Lane says he’s going to miss everything about her. And then he says he loves her. Not really, but he should have. Show some guts, Lane!
 
It’s time for part one of the final HOH competition. The name is Rumble in the Big Brother Jungle, which has nothing to do with boxing, because the people working on “BB” have no historical references to draw on and are painfully literal. Anyway, the guys have to hang on vines. And get slammed into walls. Granted, they look like squishy walls, but still, I can imagine this getting old fast. Oh, and they get rained on. Which I’m kind of happy about, because at this point, I just want to see the (b)rigade get punished and possibly come down with pneumonia or, if that’s not possible, a bit of thigh chafing. Because really, they may have had the most successful alliance in “BB” history, but they’ve also made the show one thing I hoped it would never be – boring.
 
Do you think Hayden is going to win? What do you think will happen when Ragan realizes Matt played him from day one? Who do you think will win HOH?