Don’t you hate it when very, very white people say biatch? It’s almost as bad as anyone other than Snoop Dogg saying foshizzle, but it’s especially funny when Rachel says it, because she’s more likely to burst into tears because the game is, like, so friggin’ hard than yank out someone’s weave. But she’s all about throwing the attitude, even if she’s completely unprepared to back it up. And so let the fighting begin!

 

[Full recap of Wednesday's (Aug. 4) "Big Brother" after the break...]
 
Weirdly, Brendon apparently thinks Rachel is just as threatening as she thinks she is, because he’s deeply upset that she told Hayden and Kristen to bring it on after putting them on the block. Because there’s something good to say when you put people on the block? Because everyone in the house doesn’t already want them dead? Come on, Brendon. You have no friends in the house, let it go. Still, Brendon tells Rachel she has to apologize to the house. Brendon, you’re stupid.
 
But Rachel, being in love, follows orders and apologizes to Hayden and Kristen. Which goes over about as well as you’d expect it would, as in not at all. Actually, the only upshot of Rachel’s little apology is that she now feels that Brendon is against her. And really, she has a point. As she says, it seems like he wants her to bake effin cookies and sing kumbayah to the housemates. This hurts Brendon’s sensitive metrosexual ego. Now he feels invisible. Brendon is proving himself to be a wimp of the highest order. I think Rachel is feeling a little over her girlyman boyfriend at this point.
 
Time to pick players for the veto competition! Rachel picks Britney, which, if it’s a physical competition, is the same as picking a tube sock. Hayden picks Ragan, which isn’t much better. Kristen picks Enzo, which is bad news for Kristen, because he wants her gone.
 
The game is the Wizards of Pinball. Which is basically a big pinball game, but with none of the fun lights and music that make pinball even mildly interesting. Worse, there will be many, many rounds of boring pinball to watch. So, let’s get to it.
 
In the first round:
Britney scores five.
Kristen scores two.
Hayden scores a perfect shot.
Rachel scores a perfect shot.
Ragan scores a perfect shot. Some PA is getting a beating for making this game not only boring but too easy.
Enzo scores (yes) a perfect shot.
 
So, poor Kristen is eliminated. Kristen really is a floater, I have to say, because she sucks at all these games. She picks her prize, which is the power of veto. Yeah, don’t get comfy with that, Kristen.
 
Round two:
Hayden scores a five.
Rachel scores a five.
Ragan scores a one.
Enzo scores a six.
Britney scores a two.
 
Ragan is eliminated and claims a veto ticket as his prize. Which he keeps. He likes these veto games, even if he does suck at them.
 
Round three:
Rachel scores a six.
Enzo scores a one.
Britney scores a six.
Hayden scores a perfect shot.
 
Britney brings up the point no one is speaking to one another, not even the people watching. Because they have been bored into a stupor, Britney. This is an achingly lame game, you know. Anyway, Enzo claims his loser’s prize, a 3D flat screen TV. Oh yeah, he’s keeping it. He wants to see his infant daughter in 3D glasses. Go ahead, ruin her eyesight, Enzo, good thinking.
 
Egads, round four. Shoot me. Or go to commercial. I’d rather watch those insipid iPhone commercials than see more of this crap.
Britney scores a perfect shot.
Hayden scores a perfect shot.
Rachel scores a six. Bye, Rachel.
 
Her prize is a second chance. She chooses the veto ticket and sends Ragan back into the game. Why? Because you want to prolong Ragan’s torture?
 
Round five. Next time I have insomnia, I’m playing this segment on a loop.
Hayden scores a six.
Ragan scores a one.
Britney scores a perfect shot. So, waste of Ragan’s second chance. Good going, Rachel.
 
Ragan picks $5,000. He trades Rachel for the veto ticket, because money is scary. Rachel doesn’t want the money, either. Kristen is hoping no one has realized she has the power of veto. Oh, you silly hamsters. Just shut up and let’s get this hellishness over with.
 
Final round. I hope.
Britney scores a perfect shot.
Hayden scores a… commercial break!
 
Okay, back to Hayden. He scores a five. Britney wins! Hayden’s prize is the privilege of wearing the hippie-tard for a week. He must be so proud.
 
But Hayden trades his hippie-tard for… the power of veto. Whoa. Talk about throwing the ice on a showmance. He’s not only stealing the POV from his girl but making her wear a hippie-tard, which I really hope is a tie-dye unitard and not a low IQ Jerry Garcia fan clinging to your neck.
 
Britney’s winning prize is a day of solitary confinement. Which, given how unpleasant the house is at this point, sounds pretty wonderful. Poor, dense Rachel is hoping Britney takes the POV, because they’re besties. Except they’re not. Britney does take the POV, however, which seems like a dumb move for Britney, because she’s going to expose her alliances pretty darn fast. Kristen begins sobbing, because this is the worst thing that could ever happen! She has to be unfashionable! And her boyfriend has to be in solitary confinement! And, oh yeah, she might go home! Which she’s going to do sooner or later anyway, because no way she’s winning! Come on, Kristen, your life isn’t over.
 
It turns out solitary confinement isn’t that solitary, since Hayden can yell through the door. But the hippie-tard is just as bad as I imagined. It comes with a fro and a headband, so she kind of looks like a baby boomer 1980s aerobics instructor who stuck her finger in a light socket.
 
Hayden and Kristen talk through the door and touch fingers. This is like that a Lifetime prison romance MOW, but with worse costuming and less intelligent dialogue. It’s a sad day when I hope the producers cut back to Rachel and Brendon, but seriously, watching Hayden and Kristen’s mating dance is one step up from watching the slow kids at a middle school dance hit on one another. Or a Kristen Stewart movie.
 
Lane feels that, once Hayden is taken out of solitary confinement, he must be calmed down and trained. Which makes me worry that Lane will also want to shoot him, as he’s not really an animal person. Hayden thinks Kristen looks good in the hippie-tard, which suggests he was in solitary too long. Or that love is really, really blind.
 
Time for the luxury winners to go see “The Other Guys.” All the losers quietly hate Rachel and Brendon while floating in the pool. So, it’s a day like any other, except some people got to see a movie.
 
Hayden urges Britney to use the POV on him, if he can convince Rachel to put up Kathy. Oh, Brendon and Rachel, don’t go for it! We get to watch Rachel dye her hair. She’s starting to buy Hayden’s crap, so I think she’s inhaling too many fumes. And there must be a lot of fumes to get her hair that color. And yup, she takes the deal. Rachel? Hello? Have you lost your friggin’ mind? Brendon is oddly silent, so maybe he’s been overcome by Wet ‘N Wild Crazy Lady Fuchsia hair color, too.
 
Hayden and Britney are so tickled with themselves. If they do pull this off, it is pretty impressive, albeit in a horrible, evil way.
 
But Rachel isn’t on the Hayden/Britney bandwagon just yet. While talking to Britney, she suggests putting up Lane instead of Kathy. Britney doesn’t like the sound of that. Hayden thinks his little plan is genius, but that’s assuming Rachel plays ball. It doesn’t seem to occur to him that she won’t. Hayden is so proud of himself. Shut up, Hayden.
 
It’s the POV ceremony! Hayden and Kristen make brief pleas for their lives, then it’s up to Britney. And she decides not to use the POV. Wha? Britney didn’t want to lose Lane, it turned out. But, not being aware of the alliance, she’s just made herself a target for future weeks, as Hayden isn’t going anywhere and he’s pissed to feel like she stabbed him in the back. Britney, you should have taken the 3D TV instead of the POV, seriously.
 
So, amazingly, it’s still Kristen and Hayden on the block. Which means Kristen is going home. Rachel is doing a bang up job of eliminating floaters, but the truth is she seems completely blind to her biggest threat – the brigade (and no way am I legitimizing it with a capital letter). Although, they do seem to be screwing up left and right, so who knows? If Rachel and Brendon continue their spooky run of winning challenges, maybe they’ll surprise us all and not get the boot. But no one can be lucky for that long, right? Um, right?
 
Do you think Kristen or Hayden will go home? Do you think Britney shouldn’t have chosen the POV? How long do you think Brendon and Rachel will last in the house (or in real life, for that matter)? Do you think it’s even possible for Brendon to win HOH next week?