So, where were we? Oh yes, the HOH has nominated Monet and Britney for the block. Monet’s initial reaction is to punch Rachel in the face. But she doesn’t, and an opportunity for great lowbrow TV catfighting is lost. Waah!

[Full recap of Wednesday's (July 21) "Big Brother" after the break...]

Britney is crying because no one will save her and she had to eat, like, fish sticks and her life is OVER, dammit. And Monet is crying, too. Seriously? I think they really must be, as Britney said, premenstrual, because these were the mean girls who hated everyone in the house last week. How DARE Rachel hate them back! That stupid hooker! I’m quoting Monet, people, I didn’t come up with that on my own. But seriously, girls, don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.
 
The brigade pow wows in the backyard. Seriously, no one has noticed the four guys who always hang out together? Anyway, they’re gonna win that POV, because dammit, they have to RULE this game. They are so tough! Even if one of them calls himself Meow Meow! I’m sure that’s not the correct spelling, but that’s how it sounds, and really, it’s ridiculous no matter what it’s supposed to mean. Because cats say that, people.
 
So, Britney takes her sobbing outside. And Rachel invites her to talk about her feelings. Because she’s softhearted and feels horrible. Really, Rachel, don’t bother, because Britney hates you. Really, really hates you. Like, would key your car hate you. Britney is scared she’s going to go home. Rachel assures her she’s really gunning for Monet. Shut up, Rachel. Britney is not your friend! Rachel is living up to her stupid hooker title, although she is a hooker with a heart of gold, so at least she’s a cliché.
 
Rachel, her head heavy from the tremendous weight of her HOH crown, sobs to Brendon, who must assure her she isn’t mean. Rachel, you’re supposed to be mean. Have you watched BB before? Nice does not equal one million dollars. It equals cold showers, crappy food and an early exit.
 
Britney and Monet determine that Rachel is riddled with STDs, is a big skank and is deeply jealous of Monet. Boy, I will miss our mean girl team if they go, because they’re just so deeply catty it’s impossible not to love it.
 
Oh, this is going to be good. Matt decides to tell Andrew that his wife has a bone condition. Yes, tell the PODIATRIST that your wife has a rare bone condition. That affects her leg. Okay, yes, Andrew is a foot doctor, but I’m guessing he knows plenty about bones no matter where they’re located. I wish they’d put a timer on the screen so we could see how many seconds it takes for Andrew to determine that Matt is full of crap. Unfortunately, Ragan and Britney buy his Johnny Fairplay crap.
 
Anyway, Andrew, of course, figures it out. Oh, Andrew, you’ve just got to find a way to spread the word. Of course, that would mean outing your doctorate, but it would so be worth it!
 
Time for POV! In addition to Rachel, Britney and Monet, she picks… Brendon, because she can (housemate’s choice), Enzo and Lane. Wow, Britney and Monet are screwed.
 
The challenge is stock exchange themed. And the housemates get cute little shirts and ties. But how boring is this – the game is all about holding on to a suitcase for as close to an hour as you can. But not more than an hour. Wow. That’s a thrill. Oh, and they get slapped in the face with a fake dollar bill, over and over. I wonder if the point is to bore viewers to death with this challenge.
 
Rachel is trying to count. Brendon is trying to count. Enzo is hanging out. Britney drops out first, because it’s, like, a million degrees. Lane goes out, then Brendon. Rachel is sure she can beat Monet. Which makes Monet want to throw her briefcase at her. Monet is so, so violent.

So, here are the times of suitcase droppage:
 
Rachel – 1:15:07
Monet – 1:15:06
Brendon – 1:06:04
Lane – 1:01:29
Britney – 52:28
Enzo – 1:00:14
 
Ha! Britney is safe! Amazing. Lane thinks the brigade truck has blown a tire. Lane is overly dramatic. Rachel doesn’t want to put someone else on the block. Eeek!
 
Britney is determined to get Andrew backdoored so Monet will stay in the house. Of course, getting a meeting time with Rachel isn’t easy, because she’s always making out with Brendon. Monet goes to plead her case with Rachel. And throw Andrew under the bus. Rachel tells Monet she needs a promise that she won’t come after her if she backdoors Andrew. Uh-oh. Rachel, you’ve got to stop being so trusting.
 
Meanwhile, the brigade is freaking out. For no good reason, since no one is on to them. If Rachel even stopped sucking face with Brendon long enough to look at the TV screens in the HOH room, she might notice there is a brigade, since they seem to be meeting in conspicuous places every two minutes.
 
Rachel tells Matt she’s thinking of putting Andrew on the block. Then, weirdly, Matt volunteers himself as a pawn. He thinks this will make him the hero of the brigade and won’t backfire. Hahahahaha! Famous last words, Matt. Hayden thinks he might be slightly stupid to volunteer himself, but agrees it’s a good move for the brigade.
 
Brendon is fighting like hell to convince Rachel to keep Andrew off the block. Hmm. I’m thinking we may have found the two lifelong friends here. Rachel does think Matt’s volunteering is suspicious. Keep thinking, Rachel!
 
Andrew comes to plead with Rachel not to put him up. Rachel and Brendon then go around in circles, but they aren’t getting any closer to figuring out their real enemy – the brigade. Rachel cries. Being HOH is, like, hard. Poor Rachel.
 
Time for the veto meeting! Britney, of course, takes herself off the block. Rachel names her replacement, and it is… Matt. Well, that’s better for her than Andrew, I guess. Matt says he’s a diabolical supergenius and he knows he’s safe. Britney is pissed, and she’s coming after Rachel.
 
Interestingly, Ragan points out that early in the game, pawns tend to go home, which would be all kinds of awesome if you ask me. Matt and his wife’s fake illness are bugging the crap out of me. Monet is determined to get the votes to stay in the house. Ooh, this is going to be fun! I’m really hoping Matt, who is not as smart as he seems to think, gets booted out on his butt. Not that I have any love for Andrew, but the fake illness thing is just low. Not a dead grandma, but close.
 
Do you want Monet or Matt to go home? Who do you think the lifelong friends are? Do you think Rachel and Brendon will ever figure out the brigade?