We’re getting down to the final days of “Big Brother,” with the power couple of Kalia and Porsche on the block for eviction. Read that sentence again. If you saw that coming when the season started, well, then I’m willing to take investment advice from you in this time of economic strife. The show has been throwing out twist after twist in these recent weeks in order to overcome a rather dull season, so it wouldn’t be surprising to see a few more monkey wrenches tossed in before the end of tonight’s hour. But short of tonight’s PoV contest being “Who Can Run Over and Hug Tori Spelling The Fastest?”, let’s just continue to assume Adam will keep his winless streak alive. That’s about the only constant left at this point.

 

Onto tonight’s recap…

It’s an Eviction Episode, on a Wednesday! First, we got the latest installment of the Firewall and Iceberg podcast today, and now this. Quite a Hump Day, people. Julie Chen recaps the action, after we watch a montage that recapped the action. Then, we see the eviction. Again. WE GET IT, “Big Brother.” We’re not analyzing “Finnegan’s Wake” here. Yikes. Kalia and Porsche hope Adam wins the Veto, thinking it’s their only chance to both stay in the game. In the Barney Room, Adam confirms his allegiance to the veterans. Jordan isn’t convinced, and who can blame her? Adam’s coasted along all season, happy to switch sides and carry the tide into the Final Five.

 

Veto Competition, right off the bat. In the backyard, there’s a giant shark puppet named Otev. (Veto, backwards. I see what you did there, “Big Brother.”) The shark can “talk,” and asks the contestants to locate pies strewn throughout the yard. At the bottom of each pie tin is the name of a contestant. They have to find the pie tin with the correct name to a trivia question in order to win the round. Bringing the wrong answer to the Almighty Otev, or being the last to bring the correct answer, will result in elimination. What the shark has to do with pies is beyond me. For once, I share in Jordan’s confusion.

 

Round 1: The clue concerns someone “not a chum of Daniele” who called her a “Judas” during an elimination episode. The answer? Brendon. Everyone gets it right, but Jordan is the last to return to Otev. She’s out.

Round 2: The clue concerns someone who chewed his way to power of veto in the “Big Brother” Candy Store. Oooh, ooooh, Dominic! I knew that! Wait, did I type that out loud? Nevermind. Incredibly, Rachel loses, meaning she has to rely on Adam to win in order to keep the nominations the same.

Round 3: The clue concerns someone with a soul patch. Mark McGrath? Nope. Jeff. We flash back to footage of the Zingbot 3000, because clearly God has forsaken all of us still watching this show. Kalia shows up last, leaving Porsche and Adam as the final two. Kalia starts crying, which is bad enough. But then Rachel starts to mock her, which is hysterical, given Rachel’s epic “crying in the bushes” sequence a few weeks back.

Round 4: The clue concerns someone who lost seventeen competitions. Porsche gets to Otev first, but realizes she’s brought the wrong name. That gives Adam an opening, and lo and behold, ADAM WINS. Up is down, left is right, cats and dogs living together….MASS HYSTERIA.

Back in studio, Julie sends us over to the Jury House, where Brendon, Jeff, and Daniele are sipping margaritas. Shelly is all smiles coming into the house, but Jeff isn’t having it. Oh boy, how much I have NOT missed their angry back-and-forth discourse. I need some aspirin. Shelly shows them a DVD that catches them up on events after they left the house. It’s like watching a director’s commentary of a movie I never needed to see again. This is some major episode padding here, people. There’s plenty to show in the house itself without having to see this. However, now I look forward to the mid-season CBS reboot of “The Odd Couple,” starring Shelly and Jeff as two wacky roommates.

Over in the “Big Brother” house, Kalia is STILL CRYING. She’s convinced Adam won’t use the Veto, since he never makes big game moves. Upstairs, Jordan and Rachel worry that Adam will go back on their deal. In summary: everyone’s upset that the worst player has all the power this late in the game. Can’t say I entirely blame them. I’m waiting for one of them to try and role-play as Donna Martin in order to turn the tide.

Instead of that, Kalia attempts to employ a strategy known as “cabin fever.” The girl is straight-up loco at this point, unable to stop shaking, squirming, and blabbing. At the veto meeting, Adam decides to not use the power of veto. “I know you’re upset with my decision, but you have to respect it,” he says. Kalia goes from “cabin fever crazy” to “I will stab you in your sleep crazy” almost instantaneously. Forget “The Odd Couple”: let’s pair up Jeff and Kalia and send them on the road in search of people who will slight their sense of self.

Time to find out which player is leaving the house. Porsche pleads her case by thanking her fellow players and giving each one of them a specific pat on the back. Kalia seems to know that she’s leaving, antagonizing both Adam and Rachel during her final words on the show. Wonder what footage was left on the cutting room floor. Jordan is up first, and evicts…Porsche. Adam votes to evict Kalia. It’s up to Rachel to break the tie, and votes to eliminate Kalia, whom she perceives to be her biggest threat left in the game.  In studio, Julie asks Kalia what happened. Kalia says she trusted people at the wrong time. And that’s all we get from these two, with Julie asking people to log on to the “Big Brother” website to see the full interview. Nah. I’m good. Thanks, Julie.

Next up, we see from footage earlier in the week of the “Big Brother” Fortune Teller finally speaking. Porsche and Kalia react like two tweens that learn they just got front row tickets to Justin Bieber, bouncing up and down and screaming like banshees. CBS might have another Nipplegate on its hands if it isn’t careful. Yowsas. The Fortune Teller speaks throughout a long night, periodically waking them the housemates to give cryptic clues about former contestants. I think. At times, I felt like I myself had been kept up all night by the fortune teller.

With that insanity over, it’s time for the HoH Competition, titled “Big Brother Fortune Teller.” Julie reads them a series of “true or false” questions based on the Fortune Teller’s words throughout the long night. The person that gets the most correct after six rounds will be the winner. Adam sweeps the competition, making him the new HoH. After being essentially non-existent all season, he picked a heck of a time to have a hot streak. Back in the house post-commercial break, Julie congratulates Adam, who cracks another Tori Spelling joke. Dude, you’re HoH now: time for some new material. Julie then asks Porsche how she feels, having just survived the last vote. She says she was too flustered to get anything right, but is happy to still be in the house. I thought Julie promised a nomination ceremony a few minutes ago, but it looks like that will have to wait until tomorrow. In other words, the three women have twenty-four hours to turn Adam’s brain into pudding. Thursday’s show should be something special.

 

Are you shocked by Adam’s prowess tonight, or did he simply get lucky at the right time? How would you rank the Final Four in terms of likelihood to win it all? Sound off below!