Oooooh, it's time for the mystery twist! I can only hope the twist is as game changing as the Coup D'Etat, which succeeded in putting Jeff in the lead and making Chima go all hella lotta crazy (quite a twofer, even by reality TV standards). But I fear it may be one of those B.S. twists along the lines of, hey, no more organic vegetables in the kitchen or heads up, hamsters, the jacuzzi is on the fritz. But Big Brother has been delivering the crazy-making goods thus far, so maybe I just need to have a little faith.

[Full recap of Tuesday (Sept. 1) night's "Big Brother," complete with Mystery Twist and Power of Veto spoilers, after the break...]

It's interesting to see how the little hamsters deal with possible impending doom, because it seems that everyone falls into different parts of the Kubler-Ross model. Jeff's all about anger, calling Kevin a snake, as well as denial, because he tells Snake-boy he controls his own destiny when he so totally doesn't. But Michele, well, she's gone from sobbing her little heart out last week to a flat, dispassionate acceptance that she might be going home, which is a sad in its own way, like she just may turn down that last round of chemo and choose to die with dignity staring out onto the lake in a fetching Adirondack chair.

And Jeff isn't above a round of bargaining, either, but it's not with a higher power, unless you consider Jordan a higher power, in which case we're all screwed. He pushes her guilt button, which isn't hard to do because she does feel appropriately guilty for blowing the HOH competition, which should have been her forte since it involved sugary snacks, and tells her she better win POV if he doesn't, though he does say it in a nice way.

Then, Kevin goes up to his HOH room and sees... the Mystery Twist sign! And, of course, he screams like a girl. It all seems very much like one of those "Saw" movies, in that a note and a video suggest he could win $10,000 if he opens the door and sticks his hand in a box... or something really bad could happen to him and the rest of the hamsters, and hmmmm, which one do you think I'm going with? Kevin walks into the secret Mystery Twist room and, of course, sticks his hand in the box because he's a greedy bitch (his words, not mine). And shrieks. Told you, totally a "Saw" movie.

Okay, maybe not so much, but it did make for a tense commercial break. Really, I think someone just grabbed Kevin's hand, because once he was trapped that promised $10,000 rained from the sky – on the patio. So, poor Kevin had to watch as everyone else in the house stuffed dollar bills in their underwear as he thought about his unpaid utility bill. Not as bad as having to saw off your foot or anything, but pretty sucky nonetheless.

Finally, he gets a video prompt that he can be released – but only if a key is discovered somewhere in the house and used in his trappy box. He asks his buddy Natalie to find it for him, which she agrees to do – but, um, maybe she'll get to that after she scoops up another thousand bucks or so. What she doesn't know is that Kevin can see her greedy ass on the TV screen.

Next, Kevin hits up Jeff. This time, he tries a different tactic, telling Jeff that the only way anyone can keep the money is by finding the key. So, Jeff promptly finds it – and hides it in a trashcan full of money.  Only after he scoops up over three grand does he bother to take it to Kevin. Freed, Kevin is able to collect what the other housemates haven't – a whopping $626, a fraction of what the other hamsters gathered for winter. If Kevin doubted it before, this money game is a big wake-up call that, oh yeah, everyone in the house is greedy and soulless, and he better just play for himself.

After all that money grubbing fun, it's time for the POV competition, and everyone gets dressed up like an astronaut, if astronauts wore silver lamé and resembled giant disco balls, and the hamsters are told to wait in separate rooms for further instructions.

Kevin, who is apparently easily amused, is very excited when he steps into the backyard and sees it is decorated to look like the moon, although to me it just looks like a big Ed Wood movie set, which is not a good thing, people. Anyway, the game is all about looking at goofy Photoshopped alien faces, which are actually two housemates combined and turned green. The winner not only wins POV, but gets a kickass home theater system.

Things start off poorly when Kevin doesn't even recognize himself, although he is green and combined with Casey, but maybe he thinks he's just cuter than he really is. Still, he manages to do pretty well. Natalie, of course, sucks at the game about as much as she sucks at any game, so yeah, she's so losing. Again. Jordan, unfortunately, sucks more. Michele, being a friggin' neuroscientist, kicks ass.

So, it's down to Jeff. Who, like Kevin, can't recognize himself combined with Jordan, which makes me feel badly for their future children.  Finally, it's time to reveal, yes,  everyone's final times:

Kevin – 3:05

Natalie – 2:55

Jordan – 5:09

Michele – 1:52 (go smartypants!)

Jeff – 3:01

Of course, Michele wins by a landslide, plus she got a kick-ass TV, but OMG, Jeff's toast. Now it's my turn to deal with overwhelming grief. I'm pissed, and I'm sad, and I am totally in denial. But Jeff has plenty of time for bargaining, so maybe there's a tiny sliver of hope out there. Actually, I think that's just more denial, never mind.

Anyway, Jeff knows he's toast, because when Michele tries to pat him on the back, he snarls at her to get away from him, which is pretty unsportsmanlike of him if you ask me.

Jeff goes off by himself to sulk and drink a glass of wine, and Jordan goes with him to also sulk and drink an entire bottle of wine. Kevin and Natalie go off by themselves to plot against Michele, but even Kevin knows Natalie is full of crap when she says she's going to win HOH next week, as she wins about as much as... well, someone who never wins.

Michele, seemingly suffering from survivor's guilt, tells Jeff she's going to plead his case to Kevin. Jeff points out that this is totally crazy, but Michele pushes him to consider throwing Jordan under the bus. Oh, young love, so quick to fall apart in the midst of money woes.

Jordan, having sucked down that bottle of wine, starts crying to Jeff about how she doesn't do well under pressure, which Jeff listens to with only so much sympathy, as he's busy think of all the things he now won't be buying with $500,000 because she's not good under pressure. Jordan calls Jeff her BFF and tells him it's okay if he wants to throw her under the bus, which he says he won't, which is sweet but dumb. Jeff calls Jordan a good person, but there's no hugging and kissing, because he's probably thinking he kinda wants to throw her under the bus no matter what he says to her face.

Michele actually makes a pretty good case to Kevin to evict Natalie, since she does have a lot of friends in the jury house. Kevin seems to think about it, but as we well know, every HOH seems to think about doing something unexpected and it never, ever pans out, honestly.

So, the POV ceremony. Michele, duh, gets off the block. And Kevin's replacement nominee is... Jordan. Of course. Because it's never a surprise, is it? I'm beginning to understand why BB was canceled in England, no offense.

Natalie, who becomes more despicable every week, says Michele uses her "half a brain" to get off the block. Um, if Michele has half a brain, Natalie has one-tenth, at best, or maybe just a brain stem so that she's able to breathe and perform basic functions, but not win anything.  

But who cares about Natalie? It's now Jordan vs. Jeff, which sounds like a great premise for a romantic comedy, although I suspect the next few days in the house will mostly be weeping and drunken confessions, which is really not so worthy of a studio-level budget. I think we all just have to brace ourselves for Jeff's untimely exit. But the one thing that could make it all wortwhile? If Michele wins the whole shebang. Just saying.

 

Do you think Kevin made the right choice to put Jordan on the block? What do you think of Natalie for failing to get the key for Kevin? And do you think Jeff has any chance to save himself?