Oh, I have a bad feeling about tonight. Although it would be great if Matt got the boot, and I have no love for Monet, I suspect the dork brigade is going to be just fine and, after tonight, will be in prime position to bulldoze its way to the final four. Unless there’s a twist. Or Matt’s wife’s fake leg disease is outed. Ah, that would be good. Fingers crossed we get some good old fashioned “BB” drama and backstabbing! Yes, this show is one step down for human evolution and compassion, but it’s just so fun, isn’t it?

 
[Full recap of Thursday's "Big Brother" after the break...]
 
After Matt and Monet are named to the block, Matt is super impressed with himself for having coerced Rachel into announcing his pawn status to the house. That makes him an evil genius. So, I guess if I convince a 4-year-old that Santa exists, I’ll be a supervillain. Shut up, Matt.
 
Time for tears! Britney starts weeping because, like, Monet is her friend and she might go home and waaah. Monet is crying because she might be going home. Monet thinks all the girls in the house are stupid. Except Britney. And she wants to hit Rachel. She’s a stupid stripper! So stupid she doesn’t like the girls who say crappy things about her behind her back! What’s THAT about? Waaah!
 
Can I just pause here to say there is something about breast implants that makes a surprisingly large number of narcissistic women who don’t have them go insane? Maybe it’s an allergic reaction to saline or something, because really, Rachel has done nothing to Britney and Monet before putting them on the block, but boy howdy, they’ve loathed Rachel from day one. And, let’s face it, a big focus of their contempt has to do with her not sufficiently covering up. Even though they wear teensy bathing suits and low cut tops themselves. Just a thought.
 
Matt tells Monet and Britney he’s SO pissed to be on the block! Matt may be in Mensa, but he doesn’t seem to realize it’s “couldn’t care less,” not “could care less.” And that this is an incredibly stupid move. You’re not as smart as you think you are, Matt.
 
Hayden is having a secret showmance with Kristen. Because, as Hayden claims, people with showmances don’t go far in this competition, it has to be a secret. Unless the showmancers are Jeff and Jordan, Hayden. So, we get to see Hayden and Kristen getting jiggy under the covers. I think some clothing came off, possibly Hayden’s shorts. Secretly, of course. Unless you count the fact Andrew can hear every dimbulb protestation of lust. For once, I feel sorry for Andrew, because we’re talking really insipid sweet nothings here.
 
Rachel may be dumb, but Kristen is dumber. Not only is she thinking she’s having a “secret” showmance with Hayden, Rachel is able to convince her that Britney and Monet have been running around saying they have her vote to keep Monet. Kristen does not like it when people talk about her behind her back. Which suggests she isn’t familiar with this show.
 
Rachel and Monet face off. Rachel informs Monet she doesn’t call women bitches, and Monet says she’s going to walk away. Just so, ostensibly, she doesn’t smack the crap out of Rachel. Monet talks a good game, but really, she’s a big crybaby.
 
Some more HOH schmoozing. Britney cries to Rachel. Rachel thinks she’s going to create an ally by telling her about Matt’s pawn volunteerism. So Britney tells Rachel about Matt’s whining about being on the block. So Rachel gets weepy, because Matt’s a snake. Why are the women so friggin’ teary this season? Seriously, I do think everyone’s cycling together, and I say that as a member of the sisterhood, but what else could it be? Stop crying, ladies!
 
Rachel calls a house meeting. Everyone can come, except Andrew, who’s being all super religious. Then, Rachel tells the house Matt volunteered to be a pawn. Finger pointing and arguments follow. Matt squirms like the worm he is. Monet cries some more and leaves the room.
 
Meeting with Julie! Lots of questions about the saboteur. God, that feels like forever ago. Annie who? Next, a rehash of the Haves/Have Nots competition. Britney whines about being a have not and how it was, like, the worst week ever for, like, so many reasons. Andrew loves everyone for letting him be an observant Jew. Dude, do you really think anyone’s going to steal your prayer book or sneak sausage into your food? Chima got tossed out of the house for getting her sound pack wet. I’m pretty sure they’d find something more severe for anyone committing a hate crime. Kathy says the “BB” house is rougher than being a sheriff. Kathy, that’s pathetic. Where are you sheriff, Sesame Street?
 
Time for Rachel to chat with Julie. Rachel thinks Matt is a snake. C’mon, Rachel, you’re getting there. Just forget Monet, vote Matt out of the house! Rachel giggles a lot. No, she giggles constantly. To the point where you want to show her pictures of dead kittens so she’ll just shut up already. She loooooves Brendon. Giggle, giggle. She’d pick Brendon over the million dollars. He’s once in a lifetime. Oh, Rachel.
 
Time to vote. First, Monet pleads for her life with a catch in her voice. Matt tells everyone it’s just a game, so they should ignore his lying, scheming ways. Then he calls Julie the Chenbot. Heh, okay, kinda love that he did that to her face. And, not surprisingly, the Chenbot didn’t even blink. She’s got better software than an iPhone 4, I think.
 
Andrew votes to evict… Monet
Enzo votes to evict… Monet
Britney votes to evict… Matt
Kathy votes to evict… Matt
Hayden votes to evict… Monet
Kristen votes to evict… Monet
Ragan votes to evict… Monet
Brendon votes to evict… Monet. Aargh, still?
Lane votes to evict… Monet
 
Oh well. Sorry, Monet. Everyone stands to bid her farewell as she bolts for the door as if her pants are on fire. Speaking of pants, does every girl in the house own the same pair of black yoga pants? Britney promptly begins (wait for it…) crying as her housemates hug her.
 
Monet sits down with Julie Chen. And cries. Monet says the house has made her crazy. Oh, that was it! The house! Chenbot asks if she regrets any of the crappy things she said about Rachel. No, Monet says, because she likes to be honest. So she honestly liked saying crappy things about Rachel behind her back. Because that’s being an upfront person.
 
Time for videotaped goodbyes from the housemates. Andrew tells Monet she has no game, Kathy says she will miss her, Rachel tells her she’s stupid for trying to come between her and her man. Britney cries, because she’ll miss being evil and catty with her. Okay, she doesn’t say that, but she should.
 
Time for the HOH competition. It involves surfboards. Last to fall off their surfboard will be the HOH, but the first five to fall get to be haves for the week. Oh, and they’re being doused with water. This is like something out of Abu Ghraib, but with better set decoration.
 
I’m really hoping something unexpected happens with the HOH competition, like Britney or Andrew win or, really, anyone other than a member of the dork brigade, because as it stands, they seem unbeatable. Worse, they seem to know this and are far too impressed with themselves about it. The game needs to be shaken up and pronto, because watching these four twits cruise the finish, well, that’s just going to be boring. C’mon, “BB,” throw us a twist, STAT!
 
Do you think Monet deserved to go? Do you think Rachel and Brendon are headed for the block? Who do you think will win the HOH competition?