It’s Elimination Night on “Big Brother,” people. How upset am I that Leslie Moonves, not Rupert Murdoch, owns CBS? Because after watching the fireworks in Great Britain this past week, I’d rather be watching Wendi Deng host “Big Brother.” That woman does NOT tolerate tomfoolery, y’all. Instead, we’re stuck with Julie Chen pretending that she cares about the lives of those inside the house. Oh well.

Previously on “Big Brother”: Dominic won PoV, the veterans turned on each other, and Rachel sought refuge in a bush. How I haven’t seen an animated GIF of that on the interwebs yet is baffling. I’m sure it is exists, and if anyone can get that for me, I won’t have to ask Santa for anything else this Christmas.

Neither Cassi not Shelly seem happy about the prospect of the other leaving. Jordan isn’t exactly happy about it either, but feels like she has to stick with the veterans’ alliance in order to survive. Shelly contemplates telling Cassi about her pact with the veterans, which sounds like the dumbest idea yet in a season of dumb ideas. “Well, Louise, we had a good run,” says Cassi. They’re crying, Jordan’s crying…it’s the most emo “Big Brother” ever!

Later on, Shelly is still crying, now worried that her daughter at home will learn that it’s OK to lie by watching the show. Psst, Shelly: I think that ship sailed the moment that you signed up for “Big Brother.” Just sayin’. Elsewhere in the house, Cassi tries to soothe the savage Rachel. Things are going OK for about ten seconds, and then it devolves into ugliness. “You’re a catty, catty girl,” Cassi says. Rachel naturally flips out and now SHE’S crying, acting as if the Piranha Brothers from “Monty Python” just broke her with sarcasm.

She runs to Jordan, upset that Cassi exploited her weaknesses. So, Shelly’s worried about lying, and Rachel is mad that other people are using psychological warfare. Aren’t those the two biggest aspect of the show’s gameplay? Due to Rachel’s mood, Brendon starts digging into Cassi, asking if he’d like to draw a picture for her about her situation. “Am I the only adult here?” wonders Cassi out loud. Meanwhile, somewhere in America, Shelly’s daughter is buying alcohol with a fake ID she purchased while her mom was on “Big Brother.”

Back from commercial, Julie greets the competitors and lets them watch this week’s PoV challenge. She asks Lawon how hard the challenges really are. “They are REALLY hard,” Lawon helpfully answers. “Frost/Nixon,” this ain’t. After Adam congratulates Dominic for saving his place in the house, Cassi says, “Yea, thanks!” off-camera. Rachel tries to play off her emotional outbursts over the past week to Julie, but her voice breaks eight cameras inside the “Big Brother” house, drowning out her response.

Next up: more pre-vote stalling. We meet Fara, Adam’s girlfriend, who watches each week at a local bar in Hoboken. We see his old audition tape from BB12, when he was 100 pounds heavier. He got in shape to play “Big Brother” over the past year, hanging from as many oversized bananas as possible in order to prepare. (I guess.) Over in San Carlos, we meet Dana, Dominic’s “best friend.” The show didn’t put that in quotes, but I will. He’s a 25-year old virgin who knows how to listen to women, says Dana. Sure he is, “Best Friend.” At the end of the montage, we learn Adam’s nickname for the pair: “PB&J,” for “Pretty Boy and Jew.” Sounds like a ready-made CBS comedy to me!

Post-commercial, Julie speaks to Jordan from the HoH room. Is she still onboard with playing with the other veterans? Jordan thinks the time to split with them is when the show’s down to single competition, but for now, it’s too early to break up the alliance. Viewer question time: when will she and Jeff get married and pop out some babies? Drat. My question about her thoughts on the debt ceiling didn’t get picked.

Julie then pops up on the screen in front of the group to ask Shelly and Cassi to state their cases for staying. Cassi says that she feels blessed to have stayed for any time at all, and wishes Shelly the best. Shelly is all dressed up, and tells everyone to enjoy the journey. No catfighting here, no desperate pleas, no Rachel fleeing into a nearby shubbery. Voting time. Here we go…

 

Rachel: Cassi

Brendon: Cassi

Jeff: Cassi

Adam: Cassi

Dominic: Cassi (the deciding vote, making the rest irrelevant)

Daniele: Cassi

Kalia: Cassi

Lawon: Cassi

Porsche: Voldemort (Kidding, just seeing if you’re still paying attention. Cassi.)

 

A clean sweep. Shelly gets a Golden Key, ensuring her a spot in the Top 10. Cassi must be devastated. I should go there and comfort her. Oh wait, first she has to talk to Julie. Julie notes that her speech sounded like a pre-vote concession. Cassi responds that she 1) didn’t want to talk smack about Shelly, and 2) saw the writing on the wall. Julie presses Cassi, asking if her looks worked against her. Cassi says she spent most of the show in sweats, which is true. But there’s “Cassi in sweats” and, say, “Ryan McGee in sweats.” That round goes to Cassi every time. In the goodbye tapes, Rachel calls her the worst game player in “Big Brother” history. Has she forgotten about Keith already? Granted, my history with this show is limited, but I’ve already seen one player far worse strategically than Cassi.

We’re onto live HoH Competition! It’s “Big Brother Online,” in which players try to guess how viewers voted on the show’s website in a series of “either/or” queries. First question: who would American rather get mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from? Good God. (It’s Jeff.) Next up: who would pee the pool? God, America, THIS IS WHY THE TERRORISTS HATE US. (Adam over Kalia.) Biggest skank? Porsche over Rachel. More likely to save you from a burning building? Brendon over Shelly. Better in a bikini? Daniele over Porsche. Cheat off of on a test? Jordan over Lawon. Most likely to go bananas in the house? Adam over Dominic. And Rachel wins HoH for the second time in three weeks. LET THE REIGN OF TERROR RESTART!

Final interview session, people. First up, we learn that Rachel is ecstatic about regaining power in the household. America needed this explicitly stated, apparently. In an equally shocking development, we find out that Shelly is thrilled to be safe from eviction until the final ten. I’m glad I sat through a commercial break to learn this critical information. Holy anti-climax, Batman. Not that Dominic would know anything about climaxes, apparently.

Did you see that unanimous vote coming? Will Rachel solidify her hold over the house during the next seven days, or will she further alienate viewers? Are any veterans likely to align with any newbies over the next two weeks? Sound off below!