Aaack, the Big Brother house is about to become Heartbreak Hotel, or maybe the set of a Shakespearean tragedy, or perhaps a pale imitation of “Rock of Love” without the strippers and drunken vomiting, but in any case, it’s going to be sad and possibly bloody. The Hayden/Kristen showmance is going to be torn apart, and I’m very curious to see how these lovebirds handle the stress. I’m guessing lots of making out to be followed by backstabbing, but you never know.

[Full recap of Thursday's (Aug. 5) "Big Brother" after the break...

 

So Britney has decided not to use the POV, and Kristen is devastated, because not only might she be kicked out of the house, but she, you know, digs Hayden and she won’t be able to crawl into his bed and whisper insipid nothings in his ear. Hayden, however, seems to have moved on, as once he discovers Brendon is voting to keep him in the house, he’s thrilled to realize he’s safe. Wow, Hayden, for someone who lusted in his heart for Kristen for a good long while, you certainly don’t seem too broken up about giving her the boot. But at least he talks a good game to Kristen, who looks like she’s ready to audition for a psychedelic version of Little Orphan Annie.
 
At least, he talks a good game right up until the moment when he tells Kristen not to fight to stay in the game, then backpeddles to say she can campaign against him and he won’t hold it against her. Kristen seems touched by this, but I’m hoping she’s also suspicious. Don’t trust that Justin Bieber-meets-Jeff Spicoli haircut! Which really needs a trim at this point.
 
While the lovebirds are rubbing noses, Britney is running around the house trying to explain her actions. First, she tattles on Rachel to Enzo, telling him that Rachel’s plan was to throw Lane under the bus. Enzo no likee. And he gets all Mafioso about it. I half expect him to threaten to drown Rachel in the kiddy pool they have at the house so she can sleep with the fishes, but no dice. Calm down, Enzo.
 
But Britney isn’t done yet. Yes, she has already messed up royally this week by snapping up the POV, but now she decides to just dig a deeper grave by joining Matt and Ragan in Rachel’s POV room, trying on her hair extensions, and imitating her. Loudly. As Rachel and Brendon walk in. But Rachel loves it. She thinks making fun of someone is the highest form of flattery. Really, Rachel? Is this what you told yourself in high school when the mean girls picked on you? Rachel just laughs off Britney’s imitation, using that high pitched air siren of a giggle she has. Rachel, please don’t find anything else amusing, because it makes me want to throw things at my television. Sharp, hard things.
 
Ah, the first sign of a fissure in the HayKris showmance. Or Krisden. Or something. If Brendon and Rachel have a stupid Brangelina nickname, they might as well, too. Anyway, Kristen starts doing some math. After Hayden tells her it’s okay for her to campaign against him, she starts thinking he might be in an alliance. Bit by bit, Kristen uncovers the brigade! She pitches the concept to Ragan, who’s been thinking the same thing. So, Kristen takes her suspicions to Britney. Go Kristen! The last hamster she has to convince is Brendon. And Brendon’s listening. Oh, this would be rich!
 
Yay, it’s time for a mostly useless Q&A with the Chenbot. She asks Hayden if he wishes he’d held on to the hippie-tard. Chenbot, this is a stupid question. There’s some more silliness, then Chenbot asks Britney who the hardest person is to live with. And she says Ragan, because he has a flatulence problem. A really, really stinky flatulence problem. Ragan clearly wants to die. I’m wondering if it’s time to change the hamster food. Thank God, Chenbot shuts this conversation down quickly.
 
Apparently, Hayden and Kristen don’t generate enough drama on their own, so we have to visit their families and friends to trump some up. Hayden’s mom doesn’t like Kristen, because no one is good enough for her little boy. Blah, blah, blah. But then, Kristen’s friend Leighanne reveals that Kristen has a boyfriend, Steve. Oops, ex-boyfriend Steve. Steve looks sincerely pissed. And he mentions that he gave Kristen an out to go into the competition single, and she didn’t take it. Kristen, bad girl!
 
Time for the Chenbot to chat with Rachel. Chenbot asks Rachel about the wisdom of gunning for the girls. Rachel admits to feeling threatened by them. Why am I beginning to suspect that before Rachel had the implants, the red hair and the stripper bod, she was a hopeless geek? Oh, and she wants to bump off Matt and form a three-way alliance with Britney. Rachel needs to STOP GIGGLING. Oh ma God, I want to strangle her with her synthetic hair.
 
Time for the hamsters to plead for their lives! Hayden says some claptrap about being too classy to throw anyone under the bus. Then Little Orphan Annie says she’s played with her heart, then breaks into to “Tomorrow.” Not really, but it would have been more interesting. Time for the votes.
 
Enzo votes to evict Kristen. Duh.
Kathy votes for Hayden. And gets weepy.
Matt votes for Kristen.
Lane votes for Kristen.
Ragan votes for Kristen. Waaah!
Brendon votes for Kristen. Aack!     
Britney votes for Kristen. Seriously? Honestly, I’d thought Kristen’s case against the brigade was pretty compelling, but I guess everyone was too timid to get the target on their back that comes from voting against the majority.
 
Poor Kristen. Well, at least she doesn’t have to wear that awful unitard anymore. The hamsters watch Kristen’s photo change colors with the solemnity of mourners at Forest Lawn.
 
As expected, Chenbot interviews Kristen and shows her housemate send-offs. Matt tells Kristen she suffered the curse of the “BB” costume, which is absolutely true. Rachel then drags out her “don’t try to get between me and my man” speech, which is getting so old I’m surprised Rachel doesn’t rap it at this point. And calls her a bitch and a ho. I love that Ragan’s goodbye focuses on the fact that Rachel is threatened by Kristen. Ding, ding, ding! Then, Brendon tells her she’s an awful person for suggesting that Hayden was in an alliance! Which is promptly followed by Hayden admitting he’s in an alliance. Amazingly, Kristen is very forgiving. And very single. I suspect Hayden completely forgot about Kristen by the time she made it out the door. I actually feel a little sorry for Kristen, because, even though she said she doesn’t feel betrayed by Hayden’s other alliance, she still has to deal with Steve when she gets home. Who seems like the type who will enjoy saying, “told you so,” as he kicks her to the curb.
 
Chenbot reveals that Ragan was chosen by voters to be the new saboteur. Yes! Ragan doesn’t really have a chance to win the big money, so I hope he takes this, because he’ll be awfully fun. Except if people smell him as he sneaks around the house. I kind of wish that little detail, if it had to come up at all, had come up a little earlier.
 
For the HOH competition, everyone has to stand on a giant, spinning paint can. The first to fall off will be the one and only have not for the week. And they get whacked by a big paintbrush. Nice. HOH competitions don’t change much from season to season, which makes me think they need to do a crossover with “Wipeout” on ABC, just to mix things up a little. I’m so tired of seeing people getting sloshed with wet stuff or slapped with brushes.
 
So Kristen’s gone, Ragan might be the saboteur, and Jeff and Jordan are returning to the house! I’m assuming just to talk to the hamsters, or maybe make Brendon and Rachel feel better about their showmance or something. But really, for an elimination episode that promised so much drama, given Rachel and Kristen going at each other’s throats not so long ago, this was surprisingly dignified. And who wants that? Let’s get the screaming, slapping and hysteria going, people! This isn’t PBS!
 
Who do you think will win HOH? Do you think Ragan will take the saboteur offer? How long do you think Brendon and Rachel will last?