You know, I can’t decide if Lane’s decision to keep his buddy Hayden over Ragan was an inspiring act of loyalty or just insanely stupid. Oh, come on, it was just insanely stupid, who am I kidding? I’m still a little stunned that, when presented with the harsh reality of what keeping Hayden in the game would mean for him, Lane actually decided it was more important to stick with the backstabbing (b)rigade than make a power move. Did he temporarily lose his mind? I guess it doesn’t matter, but it will make the rest of the show somewhat agonizing to watch as the two biggest floaters, Enzo and Hayden, merrily skip into the winner’s circle with nary an obstacle to block them.

[Full recap of Sunday's (Sept. 6) "Big Brother" after the break...]

It’s Christmas at the BB house, what with the fake snow and the goofy tree decorating challenge, but given that it’s about 106 degrees in Southern California I’m actually enjoying watching the hamsters competing in fake snow, even though Enzo still finds a reason to whine about it. Hayden, who’s done nothing but coast and comb his hair into increasingly ridiculous shapes, proves he’s very good at decorating Christmas trees and wins HOH. Enzo, of course, came in third, because he doesn’t need to win. Ever. Except for that time when he made Ragan scream like a little girl.
 
Britney is devastated that she’s lost this challenge, as it probably means she’s going home. Which is WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE VOTED TO OUST HAYDEN, YOU DUMMY. Okay, I’ll stop yelling, but seriously, what did she think was going to happen?
 
Enzo is so proud of Hayden winning HOH, because Hayden winning is the same as him winning. And, as he came up with the name (b)rigade, he considers himself the mastermind of this whole operation. Whatever you have to tell yourself to believe you’re not the deadweight you obviously are, Enzo.
 
Britney is crying because she has to be the weirdo outsider who naps all day. Poor Britney. I love the idea that that’s an actual job position inside the house. If I thought I could make a living at it, I’d gladly become a professional napping weirdo.  
 
Time to see Hayden’s HOH room. Blah blah blah pictures, blah blah blah trophies and then, hey, look, girly shampoo! Lane is properly disgusted. But is he really surprised? Hayden is one of those guys who probably shoves his latest one night stand out of the way in the bathroom because she’s blocking the mirror or worse, using his hair styling product.
 
Lane tries to barbeque. The producers try to build some drama around him turning on the flame. There is none. And then, we see that the hamsters get a smaller kitchen table. The producers also try to build some drama around this. Nada. I think if I had to actually live in the BB house, I’d hang myself from the spiral staircase, because if this is boring for two minutes, I’m sure it’s a lot more boring for days on end.
 
Hayden makes a deal with Lane to take him to the final two. Then he makes a deal with Enzo to take him to the final two. I wish someone would strangle Hayden by his well-conditioned hair.
 
Time for a luxury competition! It involves a pink pig statue. And the opportunity to win $10,000, or what Lane likes to think of as a ticket to buy lots of beer and Muscle Milk. Jeez, Lane, for someone with such an affection for Muscle Milk, I’d think you’d look less like someone whose diet consists of Cheetos, shooters and Yoo-Hoo.
 
Anyway, everyone has to find a coin, hide it in the house, and hope their coin is the last one found. The hamsters ransack the house. And when I say ransack, I mean trash the place like a bunch of drunken frat boys. Stuff is getting broken and beds are getting flipped, and I’m betting whichever staff member came up with this game is getting fired.
 
After some substantial damage is done, Enzo finds Hayden’s coin, knocking his buddy out of the competition first. And then the ransacking continues. And the hamsters are frustrated. Enzo is the first one to ask if the hamsters are going to be stuck cleaning up the house, because it really looks like a crime scene. Then, Britney finds Enzo’s coin. Enzo wants to throw Froot Loops at her. Enzo may think he’s a meow-meow, but he’s more of, well, I can’t finish that thought without being really, really crass, but you get the idea.
 
Britney starts whining to Lane that he should just let her win, because she never wins anything. But, amazingly, she finds Lane’s coin and wins the competition without having to use her feminine whiles on Meathead. She’s going to use the money to go on vacation and do some deep sea fishing. What girl wants to go deep sea fishing? Okay, Britney, it’s your vacation. Lane is furious, because he thinks Britney is just going to use the money on lipstick and leggings. He makes that sound like a bad thing. I mean, after taxes, that’s probably all she’ll be able to buy, honestly.
 
Britney hates that everyone sleeps all the time. So she starts a pillow fight. Which is pretty inspired, but it doesn’t last long, as the hamsters have lost all muscle tone from the constant sleeping and now get winded by doing simple things like walking and standing up.
 
Britney talks to Lane about her fiancé. And how she likes guys who spend a great deal of time telling her how pretty she is. Which would explain why she’s engaged to a guy who looks like an enormous doofus. But she’s worried he might break up with her! I wouldn’t worry about it, Brit. I mean, have you seen your fiancé? Of course, Lane is sitting there eating his liver, convinced he’d be better for Britney than Nick the Doofus. Lane, however, says he’s a real man who doesn’t send cards or flowers because he prefers to give a girl Jell-O shots and steaks. Lane, seriously, this is a prescription for being single. Or dating an anemic alcoholic.
 
Enzo and Hayden cuddle in bed and plot how to get rid of Britney and Lane. And then ponder if they should take Britney to the final three, as she’s easy to beat. Then they eat what appears to be beef jerky and cackle maliciously. I still can’t believe so many other housemates who actually played the game didn’t last as long as these two yahoos.
 
Time for nominations. Hayden hates to nominate one of his bros. Yada, yada, yada.
 
Hayden pulls the first key. And the last key. This is a quick ceremony. Enzo is safe.
 
And that means Lane and Britney are on the block, as expected. Hayden tells them it’s nothing personal, love ya babes, good luck, the usual dude speak. Britney is determined to win the POV. Lane thinks he can win the POV and send Enzo home. I think Lane and Britney need to pack their bags, because the one chance they had to win the whole thing, by strategically keeping Ragan around, is fading into the past and they’d just better get used to the idea that their chances of making the final two are about as good as a fake snowball’s in hell.
 
Do you think Hayden will take Britney to the final three? Do you think Enzo has a chance to win? Do you think Lane will win Britney away from her doofus fiancé?