Well, Rachel’s latest reign as HOH is coming to an end, which means things are about to get sticky for the couple the hamsters love to hate. Rachel, of course, has her fingers crossed that her knight in a shining Speedo will save the day and win the HOH competition, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Brendon hasn’t exactly wowed anyone in the endurance competitions, which makes me think he might be a really crappy swim coach (“Okay, guys, backstroke! Unless you want to doggie paddle? Aw, heck, everyone get some pool noodles and relax!”) and not quite the big, strong he-man Rachel thought he was. But really, Rachel’s no prize, either, so really, they’re an ideal couple, if you ask me.
So, the HOH competition is spinning along, and the Slingbox is being temperamental, so I miss the very beginning. Which is only a problem if one of the hamsters started projectile vomiting or crying or something, so hopefully I didn’t miss anything fun like that. As it is, the Slingbox kicks in just in time for me to see Brendon drop like a sack of wet underwear. After 36 minutes and six seconds. You’ve got to be kidding me. There are five-year-olds who can hold on to a merry-go-round longer than that.
Not surprisingly, Rachel thinks Brandon’s a total wuss. I can’t really argue with her, either, because Britney and Ragan are still hanging on, and if you can’t beat either of these two at a physical challenge, you just aren’t trying. Even though Rachel tries to hide her complete disgust by telling Brendon he did a good job, he’s hurt, because he suspects she doesn’t really mean it. Well, duh, of course she doesn’t mean it, you overly sensitive metrosexual weenie! For someone who looks like he could play the good knight at Medieval Times, Brendon is girlier than Monet. I wonder if Rachel paints his toenails.
Anyway, Lane, Matt, Hayden, Britney and Ragan are still in the game. Until Lane jumps out, at just over 46 minutes. Shortly thereafter, Britney jumps, then Hayden. It’s down to Matt and Ragan. Really? Hayden and Lane are wussier than Matt, who weighs about twenty pounds soaking wet? The brigade is pretty pathetic, if you ask me. Not that I want Matt to win. Come on, Ragan! But, after an hour and ten minutes, Ragan jumps. Because being HOH would be, like, scary because he’d get blood on his hands. Don’t be such a floater, Ragan! Jeez! Anyway, the thoroughly hate-able (and that’s saying something, given this season’s hamster batch) Matt wins HOH. Great.
Rachel can’t understand how the scrawniest dude in the house wins HOH. I have no idea, honestly. Matt must have sold his soul to the devil, which would account for how easy it is for him to lie about his wife dying of a disease she doesn’t have. Hayden is thrilled about Matt’s win, but says that if Matt screws up the nominations again, he’ll be kicked out of the brigade. Ooooo, there’s a threat! Considering the rest of the brigade seems to be relying on the “brains” of the operation to win their physical challenges for them, Matt might be better off striking out on his own anyway.
Back to the soap opera that is Brendon and Rachel. And I think Brendon may actually watch soap operas, or want to star in one, or is taking estrogen in a mistaken attempt at finding the latest performance enhancing drug, because no straight man should be this sensitive. Brendon wants to know if Rachel is upset with him. Of COURSE she’s upset, dumbass! You’re a big, strapping guy and a twenty pound twerp beat you for HOH! Because you couldn’t handle what was, essentially, a kid’s playground ride! Man up!
Luckily, we only have to watch Brendon being pouty for so long, because it’s time to see Matt’s HOH room. Again. Britney thinks it’s so disgusting that people act excited about seeing the HOH room when they’re not actually friends with the HOH. Like you, Britney? Oh, wait, she’s making fun of Rachel. Who doesn’t get it. Or maybe she does get it and thinks you’re pathetic, Britney. And if Rachel thinks you’re pathetic, well, that’s pretty bad.
It turns out the hamsters like to play a game called Trapped, in which everyone tries to leave the room so one unlucky person is left with Brendon and Rachel. In this case, it’s Matt. Who’s a little weirded out to have to leave his own HOH room to get away from them. I almost feel bad for Rachel and Brendon, who are so universally hated people would rather dig out their own eyeballs with a spoon than spend ten minutes alone with them. Of course, I suspect I would feel the same way, so I’ll only commit to “almost.”
Things are about to get interesting! Matt is faced with Pandora’s Box. Inside is the diamond power of veto, the most coveted veto in all of Cinderella’s kingdom, I mean, Big Brother. Matt is unsure if he should open the box. Because if he has to keep a secret, it could ruin his game play! I mean, a secret other than his wife not actually dying. Shut up, Matt, we all know you’re floating scum.
Matt, being a greedy little weasel, takes the diamond power of veto. Which means for this week and next week, no one can really use power of veto to save themselves and Matt controls who goes home completely. So, buh-bye Rachel and Brendon.
Matt decides to prep the house for a negative situation. He tells them he’s opened Pandora’s box and got a one dollar bill. No one believes him. Except Enzo is trying really, really hard. Matt, for someone who prides himself on being so damn smart, is an idiot when it comes to telling fibs. Just say you got something good, dummy, because no one believes you got just a buck. A few more lame lies like that one and someone’s going to figure out your wife is just fine, bud.
So, it’s time for the hamsters to mull over what the truth really is, as Matt is clearly full of it. Then, Ragan gets the offer to be the saboteur. He’s flattered, but he’s scared, but he doesn’t want to let America down but… Ragan is close to wussing out, but he’s gonna do it! He hates to wrong his teammates, but the idea of all of America being mad at him is simply too much for him to bear.
Meanwhile, Rachel is trying to strike a deal with Matt to keep herself off the block. Not only is this a pointless exercise, but she actually manages to make matters worse by creating a brand new enemy in Ragan. This is pretty impressive, as it seems almost impossible to make Ragan hate you short of ripping his hair out by the roots or telling him all the reasons “Sex and the City 2” didn’t work logistically despite that awesome Liza Minnelli number. In any case, Ragan is put off when Rachel infers that he and Matt are in an alliance. Instead of just taking a deep breath and apologizing, Rachel starts yelling, then Ragan starts yelling, and finally Brendon appears out of nowhere to defend his lady. Um, guys? Are you getting any clues as to why everyone hates you?
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Anyway, Rachel isn’t giving up so easy, and convinces Matt and Brendon that they need to have a chat, in which she and her boy toy beg for their lives. And Matt commits to nothing. It’s a lost cause, Rachel. Go pack your synthetic hair, it’s time to go.
Thank goodness this silliness is cut short by a visit from the saboteur. Mwahahahahaha! Everyone is, of course, devastated, though Brendon points out that it seems odd that Matt only won a dollar… which members of the brigade quickly pooh-pooh. Not that it makes them look like they’re in cahoots with Matt or anything. Seriously, no one caught that? I hope the saboteur’s first order of business is to expose Matt’s lie about his wife and the second is to expose the brigade.
Meanwhile, everyone’s obsessing about the saboteur while Ragan twitches on the sofa and tries to disappear. Ragan feels like a horrible person, but he feels like America has beckoned, and he’s jus doing his civic duty. Really, Ragan, it’s not like you’re serving in Afghanistan. If being the saboteur was too much to bear, America would have forgiven you for saying no. After being really, really mad at you for a while.
Hmm, time for nominations. Who will Matt pick? Rachel thinks it’s pretty obvious. Brendon feels apathetic and thinks Matt is a weasel. Enzo thinks Matt better stick to the plan or risk getting a pair of cement shoes. He doesn’t say that, but you know he’s thinking it.
Matt feels it’s time to take out the trash. That would suggest he’s putting himself up, as he’s such a creepy little dirtbag, but no such luck.
Kathy is safe.
Ragan is safe.
Britney is safe.
Lane is safe.
Enzo is safe.
Hayden is safe.
As expected, it’s Rachel and Brendon on the block. Matt says it’s not personal, as they’re a dominating pair of players, and he wants to make his alliance happy, although he doesn’t say that last part aloud. Brendon says he will miss Rachel when she’s gone, which suggests he’s gotten over his sensitive self and is remembering how much he enjoyed being single. Rachel, on the other hand, starts crying and reveals that she feels like a lost puppy and wants another injection of Botox, because the house has given her wrinkles. I wish I could say I was making that up, but no, Rachel is really that crazy. Go figure.
Wednesday, Jeff and Jordan return to the house! I’m still a little unclear on whether or not they’re joining the game or just visiting, but either way, it should be fun. If I ever thought they were annoying last season, in light of Brendon and Rachel, I now take that back completely. It’s all relative, after all.
Do you think Rachel or Brendon is going home? Do you think Ragan will make a great saboteur or will his nerves get in the way? Are you looking forward to Jeff and Jordan’s return?