Time to check on the hamsters! I really wish the producers would buy the house a giant Zorb so we could actually see our hamsters rolling around in an actual hamster ball, but maybe next season. Still, goodness knows this season could use an injection of fun, because already this is looking like a long, joyless walk as four smug guys waltz into the final four. I miss the saboteur already.
First up, we catch up with the HOH competition. This was a little tricky, in that you knew you’d get decent food for the week if you jumped off your surfboard early. Of course, good food probably loses its flavor when you’re sweating nominations. I’ve got to think the suckiest position to be in is the next to last person to fall into the water. You’ve wasted your time, gotten soaking wet, plus you’re eating bad food while knowing if you’d only stuck it out a little longer you’d be in a private bedroom with all the junk food you can eat. Not quite as bad as losing a presidential election or being one number off for the MegaBall lotto, but still, not fun.
I’m kind of loving Lane, because he spouts more homespun aphorisms than Garrison Keillor on a drunken bender. He notes that Monet headed for the door faster than a clown running from a bull, and I’m almost wondering if Lane has a little secret he’s hiding, because for someone who claims to be just a big galoot from down on the farm, he’s funnier than some sitcoms. Okay, that isn’t saying much, but still.
Andrew informs us that not only does he have to win HOH (no kosher slop!), but that standing on a wet, moving surfboard is not a Jew sport. At least I think that’s what he said. If he didn’t, I apologize in advance. Because if anyone other than Andrew said that, it would not be cute. I’m not even sure it’s cute that he said it. By the way, Andrew, there’s a guy in Los Angeles called the Surfing Rabbi. Look it up.
Kathy is the first to fall off the surfboard. Which we are supposed to believe is part of her under-the-radar gameplay. I don’t think Kathy has any game whatsoever. I also have grave doubts about her deputy skills. I kind of wonder if she’s going to find herself riding a desk when she gets back home if her boss is watching any of this.
Next, Lane drops, then Kristen. Two have spots left! Why did everyone fall off on just one side of the panel? Just wondering Hayden then takes a jump, but that’s only because he wants to eat. Then Britney, despite her desperate desire to get revenge for Monet, jumps, too, because food is more important to her than vengeance. So, Britney and Monet, maybe not besties for life.
I hate Matt. Matt tries to annoy everyone else into hopping off their boards. Matt seems entirely unfazed by this entire experience, which makes me think he’s wearing waterproof underwear.
Enzo slips and falls off the board. The only remaining member of the brigade is Matt. No pressure, Matt.
Ragan tells everyone he went to high school with to eff off, because he’s doing well in an endurance competition. I’m now rooting for Ragan. All those workouts at the WeHo gym totally paid off!
To Rachel’s horror, Brendon falls next. Dude, everyone else is clinging to the wall! What were you doing standing sideways?
Ragan promises Andrew he won’t eliminate him if he wins HOH. Andrew hangs in for a little while, but then falls off, leaving Matt and Ragan.
Ragan asks the housemates to leave so he can talk to Matt privately. He likes Matt. He thinks Matt is good people. Ragan, you are going to be so sorry when you watch the show, trust me. Even though Ragan tries to negotiate with Matt, Matt changes the subject.
Ragan falls, Matt wins. This is hugely disappointing.
Rachel and Brendon are worried. Rachel cries. Brendon tells her they have each other. Okay, maybe one of you could go home, just so we don’t have to listen to any more Hallmark sentiments. These two aren’t as pathetic as Hayden and Kristen, but they’re still drippier than a leaking faucet.
Rachel tries to plead her case to Matt. Matt tells her he has no alliance to anyone (liar!) except his wife. So, in other words, Rachel can suck it. Ouch.
Britney tries to teach Enzo how to talk. As if Jersey is a foreign language. Britney needs to get over herself.
Matt shows off his HOH room. Unfortunately, we don’t see a picture of his wife, contorted in pain in the hospital. Oh yeah, because that was a lie. Unfortunately, his letter from his wife hints so convincingly at her invalid state (while the sad truth is she’s just a mildly pathetic person), Andrew changes his mind about Matt’s made-up story. God, I wish she’d written to him about her latest aerobics class and how well she’d performed in the local 5K.
Finally, the brigade gathers in Matt’s room and everyone slaps one another on the back. They’re all in agreement that Brendon and Rachel need to go. Except Matt wants to kick Kathy to the curb, because he knows she voted for him. Oh, and then Lane, Matt and Enzo start wondering if Hayden and Kristen are related. Could it be true? Is the brigade already doubting one another? Oh, this is too rich. Let the backstabbing begin!
Andrew has an amazing ability to walk into the room when Rachel and Brendon are trying to get it on. He claims this is accidental, but running the vacuum under Brendon’s chair while Rachel is trying to give him a happy ending-themed haircut, hmm, that seems pretty purposeful to me. Maybe this is just Andrew’s way of expressing his disapproval. Or getting his rocks off, either one.
Britney finds a catty replacement for Monet in Lane, as they create dialogue for their own Rachel and Brendon movie. I’m telling you, Lane is going to be revealed to be a screenwriter of Sarah Palin’s speechwriter.
The have-nots get baby food and bok choy. Ragan is horrified. And Andrew is happy to find the baby food is kosher. No, really, he’s thrilled. Andrew, seriously, don’t be so excited about baby food, it’s creepy.
Brendon and Rachel go to Matt, begging for mercy. And Matt says he won’t put either one of them up. Uh-huh. Then, he informs Andrew he might put him on the block. Whaaa? Does the brigade know about this?
Time for nominations!
Keys go to:
Rachel – huh!
Brendon – no kidding!
Kathy and Andrew are on the block. Matt says Kathy and Andrew are gunning for him, as he “has no alliances.” And that might be true at this point, as he went against the rest of the brigade’s wishes. This seems like a huge risk, as Rachel or Brendon have a chance of winning the POV competition, eliminating Matt’s chance of making a backdoor move. Really, I don’t understand Matt’s logic here at all, as turning against his fellow brigadiers so early in the game seems pretty close to suicidal. But, not being an “evil genius,” maybe I’m just not following his brilliant game play. In any case, I hope it blows up in his smirking, overconfident face. After all, we know he doesn’t really need the money to cure his wife’s fake disease, right?
Do you think Matt was smart to nominate Kathy and Andrew? Do you think the brigade is turning on one another? Who do you think is going home?