So, it's time to see who wins the delicious graham cracker and hot chocolate HOH competition, which makes me totally hungry and nervous at the same time. With Jeff forced to sit on the sidelines, I don't have a good feeling about who's landing in the luxury digs this week, and you know what that means – the target is going to be firmly placed on Jeff's muscular back. But I'm getting ahead of myself. It's time to watch the sugary, chocolate-y goodness.

[Full recap of Sunday (Aug. 30) night's "Big Brother" after the break...]

Kevin notes that the contest takes place on a very slippery graham cracker, while Natalie comments that there's a hole in the bottom of the cups they use to transport their hot chocolate. And all I can think is, that better be pseudo hot chocolate, because otherwise, that's kind of not safe, people. But I'm guessing that, at worst, we're talking about tepid brown water, which takes the delicious factor way out of it, but who really wants to drink that something that's been sitting in a barrel most of the day, anyway?

I'd love to ponder the logistics of creating a hot chocolate/marshmallow/graham cracker contest (because honestly, 90 percent of the HOH contests up to this point have been hella lot of boring, and I'm seriously sugar deprived), but instead it's time to move on to pondering the most recently eliminated contestant, Russell. Jeff, who came just short of calling the guy a steaming sack of crap in his farewell message, tries to rise above by giving Big Baby Head credit for leaving on a classy note, even if he sent him off on a relatively unclassy, kinda stinky note himself.  Kevin's glad the scheming character who gets on everyone's nerves is gone, which is somewhat ironic given that Kevin is, while not on everyone's nerves, a hugely scheming character himself these days, so I guess the old saying that people hate the things in others that they dislike in themselves is kinda true.

Even though Jeff tries to take the high road about Russell, Jordan says Big Baby Head is the biggest butt she's ever met in her life, possibly because the prospect of evicting him made her sweat through her tank top on national television and that was surely embarrassing and possibly caused a rash. Then, Jeff informs the diary cam that he's thrilled to see Russell go because he didn't trust him. Which implies he trusts Kevin and Natalie. So, given those two factoids, we have further proof that Jeff is a little stupid, because those two losers are about as trustworthy as Bernie Madoff or a Vegas slot machine.

Then, it's back to the diabetic-unfriendly HOH contest. Jordan informs the diary cam that chocolate rain poured down on the contestants at one point, which has the unfortunate side effect of not only making their task more difficult but putting that YouTube viral video ditty of the same name in my head where it will likely stay stuck until I flush it out with something equally annoying, like Blink-182 or ABBA.

Anyway, Jordan is in the lead but not for long, because she gets winded and falls a lot and even though Jeff is her sorta-boyfriend, he can't help laughing at her. He does, however, show some concern when he thinks she's "popped a boob," which is interesting, as I hadn't really thought Jordan had fake boobs, but now I wonder. And if it's totally obvious and I'm just missing something, c'mon, I'm a girl, I don't pay that much attention.  

While I'm pondering whether Jordan is real or Memorex, Natalie reveals that, once she realizes Kevin is winning, she's all about coasting s o she doesn't reveal she's a tough "competitor" to the other housemates. Excuse me while I laugh. Hahahahahahahahaha! When has Natalie EVER been a threat? To anyone? The only thing she succeeds in doing by stumbling around and losing her cup is pissing Kevin off, which I would say is not an entirely smart thing for her to do at this point.

Kevin wins by, like, six inches of brown water/hot chocolate. He's thrilled, but Michele is devastated. She wants to cry but rallies and gives Kevin a fake smile and fake hug. Not that that's going to do her any good, as Kevin says no one is safe, except Natalie. Who honestly I think he should throw under a bus, literally, or maybe a semi, but that's just me. Girl bugs the crap out of me with the losing and the whining, just saying.

And, now that we have a new HOH, it's time for the conspiring to begin. Amazingly, Natalie is leaning toward Michele, as next week they're likely to face mental challenges. Not that I believe this, because Natalie and Kevin are determined to take out Jeff like an unsightly zit, but the producers probably goose them to say something contradictory to keep viewers from flipping over to ABC.

But maybe it's all a non-issue, because Michele may crack before Thursday. She goes to the green room to sob into a pillow, then reveals to the diary cam that she's not only bummed not to have won HOH, but she feels like she has no one to talk to in the house and the house, in fact, is making her crazy. It seems even neuroscientists get lonely, which is surprising, because they're the people you would think would get used to a certain amount of isolation and abuse while in junior high school.

Then, time to see Kevin's HOH room. There's the usual parade of family photos... wait a minute, there's Kevin with his boyfriend! And his boyfriend is HOT. Or at least a lot hotter than Kevin, who's a bit of a potato head, no offense. Kevin starts crying the minute he begins reading his boyfriend's letter, which makes sense, because Kevin is being reminded that he's far away from his boyfriend, who's really a cutie, and that's got to hurt.

Apparently this is the weepy episode, or at least the Point In The Game When Everyone Snaps, because next up it's Jordan's turn to cry. She remembers losing the family home to foreclosure and her mother crying about it, and then she starts crying and the producers get the drippy soap opera music going in the background so the viewers at home can also well up if they're so inclined. Jeff tells us that Jordan's loyalty to her mom is one of the qualities he loves about her, so I hope he intends to win this game because he's going to need the money to buy a house with an extra bedroom for his mother-in-law and possibly a fold-out sofa bed for her brother, too.

Natalie tells Jordan that she wants Michele to go up, which seems all well and good, except Jordan's Spidey sense tingles and she tells Jeff she suspects Kevin is going to backdoor his ass so he'd just better be prepared. Jeff, being a little slow or incredibly trusting, tells Jordan that Kevin said he wouldn't do that, so, like, it won't happen.

Okay, this is all too serious and depressing, so it's time for some fun. And fun, lately, is showing how incredibly dim Jordan can be. She informs us that she's eaten an unfuzzy peach, but it's a peach, because a nectarine is totally different from a peach. Jeff tries to argue logic with Jordan, but he isn't very successful, and Natalie gets involved (also trying to explain what a nectarine is), and I'm having unhappy flashbacks to that Jessica Simpson newlywed show with the Chicken of the Sea fiasco, but thank God, this doesn't drag on too long.

Next, everyone's out by the pool, and Natalie has a screaming freakout because there's, like, a bug and she hates bugs, even the cute ones like ladybugs. Jordan and Natalie don't see a need for bugs in the world, which makes me want to tell both of them they need to take some basic science classes, but whatever.

Later, Natalie decides to make a big, public display of telling Michele how she doesn't trust her and how she should go on the block, making sure Jordan and Jeff hear this so they won't blame her should Jeff get backdoored, which makes me think Natalie imagines herself to be a better actress than she really is or she thinks Jeff is slow, and that's not entirely unreasonable, honestly.

So, Michele, as anyone who'd just been told she deserves to go home would, starts crying, which doesn't impress anyone, as apparently no one likes her, which seems a little unfair. Yes, she's smart and possibly a little socially awkward, but hey, I'm all for geeks, as they tend to cure diseases and invent things that we end up needing to survive, so really, I think everyone should be a little nicer to her in case she goes home and is too emotionally drained to cure heart disease or Alzheimer's or something.

Hanging out with the rest of the gang (except for social reject Michele), Jeff reveals he loves nothing better than a girl in sweats and a ponytail, which means Jordan is his perfect girl. Except she's not a brunette. Or over 25. Or into sports. Or slightly athletic. Or Italian. And doesn't have a foreign accent.  Kevin plays a round of the dating game with Jeff and we discover that, really, he's going to date Jordan for maybe ten minutes after they leave the environs of BB and then he's going to probably find some hot Italian chick to bang. Ah, romance.

It's time for a little more last-minute ass kissing of the HOH, so Michele hints to Kevin she's willing to break her bond with Jeff and Jordan, while Kevin tries to tell Jordan and Jeff they're safe as houses. Then, because he's probably too honest of a person to be as scheming as he'd like to be, Kevin tells Jeff he's going to put him up. So he can take out Michele. And Jeff, of course, isn't thrilled. So, Kevin starts second guessing himself and rubbing his hands all over his face, which will likely create wrinkles his hot boyfriend will not find so cute, unless he wins the $500,000 and can pay for a nip and tuck. Poor Kevin.

Time to pass out the keys. This should be quick, because there's, like two. Natalie's safe. Jordan's safe. So, it's Jeff and Michele.  Was this a good idea? Uh, not sure. Personally, I would have put up Jeff and Jordan if I was him. Not that I want either one to go home, but it would have definitely torn apart that alliance. Jeff is now not only determined to win POV (which he probably will), but after doing so will try to remove Kevin's arms from his body, so there might be some excitement in the house after all.

What do you think the surprise twist is? Should Kevin have broken his promise to Jeff? Why do you think everyone was crying like big babies?